Reasons To Be Missed
by Phoebsfan
Summary: AU Post Season Three. Skate/Jacket "Do you ever wish we'd never left the island?" 2 new chapters.
1. Prologue The Little Things Give You Away

Reasons To Be Missed

Phoebsfan

Summery: AU "Do you ever wish we'd never left the island?"

Rated for adult themes and language.

_This story is the first of three, conceived way back at the end of season three. It follows the final ep of the season and it is suggested you rewatch if you are not familiar with it. Condensed version if you choose not to rewatch: Locke killed Naomi, Sawyer killed Cooper and is avoiding Kate, Jack just contacted "Penny's Boat" via radio phone. And the first flash forward with druggie Jack has occured. Anything taking place after season three will not be applicable. _

_I own no one and nothing. Abc, Touchstone, J.J. Abrhams and co. own all the rights to anyone or thing seen on Lost._

* * *

**I dreamed I was missing // You were so scared // But no one would listen // Cause no one else cared // After my dreaming // I woke with this fear // What am I leaving // When I'm done here // So if you're asking me I want you to know // When my time comes // Forget the wrong that I've done // Help me leave behind some // Reasons to be missed // Don't resent me // And when you're feeling empty // Keep me in your memory // Leave out all the rest // Leave out all the rest // Don't be afraid // I've taken my beating // I've shared what I made // I'm strong on the surface // Not all the way through // I've never been perfect // But neither have you // So if you're asking me I want you to know // When my time comes // Forget the wrong that I've done // Help me leave behind some // Reasons to be missed // Don't resent me // And when you're feeling empty // Keep me in your memory // Leave out all the rest // Leave out all the rest // Forgetting // All the hurt inside you learned to hide so well // Pretending // Someone else can come and save me from myself // I can't be who you are // I can't be who you are**—Leave Out All The Rest—Linkin Park

* * *

He hates her.

The moon casts shadows across the ceiling as it leaks through the blinds and he lays alone in bed, her spot empty and cold. The anger boils inside. He's gotten used to it now, it's a constant companion, with or without her. Its warmth is what's kept him going.

He hates her.

He understands now, all too well, how love can turn to hate. How the once purest of emotions can be polluted and run dirty, full of broken promises and spiteful words. How fire can turn to ice. Yes, he understands that fine line.

And he hates her for its existence.

The ghost of the woman she used to be. The bitter smile, and snide, biting comments. The way she covers her freckles and straightens her hair. She uses makeup to cover up, plays pretend in her new skin. He hates it. And_ iher_./i

They fight. But not as much as they used to. Instead they live together, alone. Go through the motions. Pretend it all away. She's not worth his anger and he rarely yells or argues with her anymore.

He misses her. Mourns her death even. He's not foolish enough to think that she's coming back to him. Someone else inhabits the body he used to love, the mind he used to adore is cluttered with another person now. One he doesn't want to know. One he can't possibly love.

His own pod person with the sad smile and the angry eyes.

Though he knows he's changed as well. He knows too well that those angry eyes and the empty smile are his fault as much as they are hers. The absence of her carefree laugh is only proof of that.

Still on nights like tonight, when she's slipped off to stare at the nothingness that surrounds them, when she finds she can't be next to him... Another part of him dies a little. He doesn't know how else to describe the anger and pain. The dark monster, deep within, that claws away at his insides and reminds him of everything he has lost.

He lays in the dark, still, trying to hear her in the other room. He tries on nights like these to pretend she's just left for something to eat, maybe she had to use the bathroom, maybe she just can't sleep. But he knows. No amount of pretending will change what he knows. He may have slept through the call, but he's no fool when it comes to Kate. She's gone to seei _him_ /iagain.

Jack is a topic they still fight about. The one person that can still raise his blood, make the anger boil over. Probably the only thing they still fight about. It makes him a little sick to know that the only time they can work up the energy to care is when it's in regard to another person.

He can stand the pain when he knows it's his fault. Can stand her slipping further from him when he can blame the situation. Maybe they shouldn't have left the island, maybe they were never really suited to have anything lasting.

But when _he_ is the reason... When he knows that _Jack _is what tears her from him...

It's too much.

The memories of what they were, of what they've lost. The fact that she stays anyway. It becomes too much to pretend away. Too much to candy coat.

He's lost her, and he can't stand to look at the proof.

Can't stand knowing that it's all his fault. That he pushed her right into Jack. That he had once wished she'd chosen differently.

By the time he realized his mistake, it was too late.

But he stays. Because as much as he hates her, he loves who she used to be. And as awful as their life can be at times; he can't imagine living it without her.

So they don't touch. Their skin may brush in those quiet hours before dawn, but he barely feels it. Her walls are built in steel. And though they share the same bed, they lead separate lives.

He's constant, she's unchangeable. They've developed a perfect system of disrepair and disappointment.

There are times, he almost wishes he'd died like so many of the others. Because he knows he's not getting out of this unless he does die. It's as if despite everything, his wellbeing is still connected to hers.

He wishes for a quick death to it all. A part of him already has died and he's tired of pretending he's whole. That he's not dragging half of his heart through the motions and hoping in vain for more.

So he flops over on his side and pulls her pillow to his face, because although everything else about her has changed, she still smells the same. She covers it with perfume and fancy soaps, chemicals that taint her skin and leave his tongue as numb as her heart. But underneath the pretense, if he peels back enough layers, he can still smell her, and small as it is, it calms him, gives him hope that she's not gone forever.

And sometimes when the lights are off, and the moon is new; darkness coats them and he forgets. Forgets the path that has led them to where they are.

And sometimes when the rain beats on the roof and his arms are holding her close she remembers. Remembers what she's lost, remembers how he used to make her feel so loved and whole. How once upon a time they didn't need anything but each other.

It's those moments that prevent him from leaving. When the makeup is stripped and her hair begins to curl against her neck, when she forgets to put up her walls and he forgets to blame himself. That's when for a moment, she comes back to him.

He sighs and flips onto his back as headlights stream across the ceiling. He can hear the soft purr of the engine in her car, knows when it cuts off abruptly.

The car door slams and all he can think about is how much he misses her. The door leading to their garage opens and her heels click loudly on the kitchen floor. He knows she'll stop and remove her shoes after she's crossed the kitchen, when she hits the soft carpeted hallway. Too late to remain undetected.

She'll slip into the room quietly, strip and slip under the sheets next to him. She won't talk and he won't ask her to. He'll pretend to sleep and she'll sigh. Sometimes she reaches for him, rarely does her hand bridge the gap completely before she pulls it back.

He watches the moonlight on the ceiling again. He won't pretend to be asleep this time.

* * *

She hates so many people now. And she knows that the first person on her list should be the man she sleeps next to. But she's too tired to hate him too. The bitterness and anger chokes her and the only thing she has left for him is the pain.

She knows that he hates her. She can't blame him for that either. He pushed, she pulled, it was only inevitable that they'd snap. She hates herself too. So how can she blame him for that?

He never calls her Freckles anymore. And that still stings more than she'd imagined.

She avoids using his name when she can. When she does she imagines it takes everything he has not to flinch away.

Yet every night she still slides into bed with him; without clothes as if she can remove those invisible barriers just as easily.

She wants to feel better. Wants to feel whole again. So she paints her face and changes her hair, trying to find a new and better person. Trying to find something that makes everyone else believe the lie she can't.

Jack's words haunt her and as she drives away from their meeting she shivers in the darkness of her car. Turns the heat on, but still she can't escape their chilling echo.

She never should have left that island.

Jack's words break her heart because she feels them too. Feels the weight of what happened. Wishes they could go back.

In her sorry excuse for a life, the only time she was truly happy was on that island. It was the only real home she had. They were the only real family.

She hates that Jack can play on her weakness like that.

She wants to forget. Wants to go home again, climb under the sheets with the man she still loves. She wants to be his Freckles, she wants him to be the man he was before.

She has so many regrets, she knows that he shares some of them. Why can't they bond over those? Why can't they comfort each other instead of rip each other apart with the silence?

If she'd known that they would end up like this... She likes to tell herself she never would have told him. Likes to tell herself that she would have told him it was just sex. But she knows that too is a lie.

They were an inevitability. But this part she questions. She can't leave him, and he can't leave her. Sometimes she wonders if that part is what's killing them. His need to hurt himself, her inability to let go.

So now she slips out in the night to meet with the one man who she knows he can't stand. He'll pretend to be asleep and she'll turn her back as silent tears slip down her cheeks as she remembers the island and those words: never should have left, pound relentlessly in her mind.

She hurts.

She hates.

And she thinks she finally understands why her mother couldn't leave.

She is her mother.

James would never hit her, but this is just as unhealthy.

She pulls up to their townhouse on autopilot... just like rest of her day. She's become so good at functioning and nothing more. Ticking the time away and wishing her life would go to the same place... away. Her heels click across the kitchen floor as her mind wanders, their house, with its vaulted ceilings and spacious layout, its clean cut lines and cold, impersonal furniture, is a perfect metaphor for their life together.

Empty. Empty and cold.

She sighs, slips her shoes off and steps onto the plush carpet in the hall that leads to their bedroom. Past an unused 'guest' room and home 'office' that should have housed a third member of their little family instead; she sheds her clothing as she moves, not caring that it disturbs the illusion of perfection.

She misses the chaos. The wild abandon. Misses how at one time they wouldn't have made it to the bedroom. Each discarded item reminds her, pays respect to those days.

When he loved her. When she loved him. When there were no barriers and broken pieces of life sticking out of her. When his eyes didn't cloud over and he stayed the night, whispering how he loved her.

She pushed the door open quietly, praying that he would be awake. Hoping that he wouldn't be.

"I don't know if I can keep doing this." He spoke softly, without emotion.

"I know." She whispered, felt her cheeks burn and her eyes leak a few stray tears. She wiped at them in anger. "Damn it. I know."

He turned to face her, she stood in her underwear, her makeup smeared across her cheeks, running from her eyes. He pulled back the sheet and gestured for her to come to him.

He lost all resolve when she cried. Felt like such an ass. Even if it was only her carbon copy.

"I still love you." She whispered, but stood her ground.

He turned his head and sighed.

"I wish I could say the same."

"You don't have to. I know." She smiled as he caught her eye.

And like that she was there again. The woman he did love. The one he'd do anything to see again.

"Freckles." He drew in a breath, didn't dare blink. He knew how quickly she scared away. Knew from past experience that one wrong move would send her running.

"I miss you." She sighed softly as she slid under the sheets next to him.

"I miss you too." He whispered back as he drew her into his arms and kissed the nape of her neck. His hands possessive across her empty womb.

She wondered if _that_ would always stand between them. If she would always think about what might have been when he touched her like that; held her so close.

He nuzzled the back of her head and she settled down into his embrace. His breath warm and comforting on her neck. So safe. So right. Like the last year and a half had never happened. If she closed her eyes she could almost pretend they were back in his tent.

She wished so badly... Prayed so fervently...

But she knew nothing could bring them back to that island, it was foolish to hope for. She also knew that leaving the island wasn't what was tearing them apart. Maybe it was easier to believe they had a chance without the hum of the refrigerator cutting into to her game of pretend. Maybe waking with the sunrise and not the irritating buzz of the alarm, held only the illusion of tranquility.

Regardless, she couldn't separate the two in her mind anymore.

"Do you ever wish things were different?" She asked softly and felt him tense in response. Felt him pull away slightly as his muscles turned to steel, entrapping her; no longer holding for comfort, but bracing in something she couldn't understand.

"Why don't you ask me the real question, Kate? The one that's been on your mind ever since we left?" His voice was colder than she'd expected and she felt their peaceful moment begin to slip away.

But she humored him anyway.

"Do you ever wish we'd never left the island?"


	2. Shadow of the Day

**Sometimes solutions aren't so simple**

**Sometimes goodbye's the only way...**

-Shadow of the Day-Linkin Park

* * *

**481 Days Ago**

It was no secret she was nervous. Silly really. It wasn't like it was her fault he left the way he did. And she certainly wasn't expecting a warm welcome back. Getting nervous implied that there was a possibility he'd taken the cork out of his ass. It implied that he was sorry for the way he'd been treating her.

Kate didn't really believe that would happen.

She stopped and looked over her shoulder; the rest of the group lagged behind.

She forced herself to stay put until they caught up and couldn't help wondering why they couldn't pick up the pace a little. They were getting rescued; shouldn't they be a little more enthusiastic? It's not like they had a cold cell and a roommate named Brenda who wanted to sell their ass for a pack of cigarettes waiting for them on the other side.

Not for the first time, she considered the possibility of not leaving with the rest of them. However unlikely that was, it still held a small sliver of appeal. Maybe she could convince Sawyer to stay with her and the two of them could pretend it was their own private tropical paradise.

Not likely. He'd been cold to her since he'd told her about Juliet's tape. Refused to look at her when he talked to her, refused to touch her. She missed his kisses, missed his warm eyes.

All because she could have his kid swimming around inside of her.

It was the only answer she could come up with. She'd tried to blame it on something, anything, else. But there didn't seem to be any other option. No other reason to shut her out completely.

It wasn't like it was her damn fault. Not like she could control it either. Short of not sleeping with him of course, and she doubted that he was sorry about that aspect of it. In fact she was certain he enjoyed that aspect of it quite well.

Bastard.

She almost wanted to be pregnant just to spite him.

But then there was the whole death thing.

Which was another thing that pissed her off about the whole thing; it wasn't like he was going to die from it. He could have a little compassion. He claimed to love her, but she doubted he knew what that meant.

She was just as scared... no scratch that... she was probably more scared than he was. Why was it ok for him to die for her but not for her to die for them? Not that she was fond of the idea of either one of them dying, but she was tired of his one way rulebook.

He was supposed to be selfish. He wasn't supposed to be self-sacrificing. He was supposed to screw the consequences.

Though she supposed that was exactly what he was doing.

He was selfishly keeping her at hands reach. Too afraid to lose her completely, so he'd push her away so he couldn't. Keeping his feelings and thoughts to himself, as if by hoarding them, locking them away, they could keep him warm at night.

He was sacrificing his happiness for her life and telling himself it didn't matter as long as she was safe.

Damn him for being so frustratingly predictable.

"Do you think Charlie and Des made it back to the beach yet?" Kate heard Claire's anxious voice over Aaron's squabbles.

Kate dreaded the moment Claire found out. Of course maybe she was wrong. Maybe the island didn't have it out for anything with a pulse. Maybe Charlie would be fine. Maybe it just took him an awful long time to find the dumb switch. Maybe Des didn't have to go down after him. Maybe the dread they all felt had nothing to do with who waited for them on the beach.

"I'm sure he's fine." Sun comforted, though Kate didn't know how on earth she had the strength to comfort someone else. How she could continue to smile and lend her support? How she seemed to be able to forget the death sentence hanging over her. There were no guarantees, even if they got off the island...

Which seemed near certain now. Just a matter of hours and this would all be behind them. A few months from now, none of them would stop to think about how the ocean had once lulled them to sleep. The feeling of accomplishment in providing food for the group, or the pride taken in constructing a shelter that actually kept the elements out... for the most part.

She wondered how many of them would miss it. Was she the only one? Here she was needed, wanted. True she was wanted at home as well, just not in the same way. There they wanted her so they could lock her up. Here her skills provided protection, food... It felt good to be wanted for something good.

Jack dropped back from the lead, leaving Ben in the care of Sun and Rose. He waited until Kate reached him, his eyes not leaving Ben as he spoke, his hand gripped her wrist to gain her attention.

"We're gonna have a problem when we get back to the beach." He started, in a low nearly inaudible voice.

"What do you mean?" Kate asked as Jack tore his eyes from the hole they were boring in the back of Ben's head.

"Locke. There's a reason he refused to come back with us. He thinks what Ben said is true and he doesn't want to leave the island. He'll do anything to prevent that from happening. Not only are we going to have to keep an eye on Ben... I think we'll probably need to watch for Locke as well." He gaze searched the jungle as Kate pulled her wrist free.

"Jack, don't you think you're overreacting a little?"

He looked back to her with a little chuckle of disbelief. That stupid condescending smirk again. God she hated that.

"No, I don't. He blew up the sub, Kate. He's been losing it for a long time now. Are you with me or not? A lot of people are going to have a hard time believing and I could use your help with convincing them that it's in their best interest to avoid him."

He was impatient with her now, his eyes drifting back to his prized prisoner. He couldn't even trust the group to keep Ben in line for the duration of their conversation.

"Fine. I just hope you know what you're doing." She sighed and he nodded and jogged back up to the front of the group as they came up on the beach.

* * *

Sawyer threw the last of the bodies, Tom, in the pit that Sayid and Jin had dug. Now they just had to clear the rest of the burned debris and life could go back to normal.

Tom's eyes stared back, empty and glazed.

Just another demon for the pile.

It was starting to get too tall. Threatening to topple over in his mind and make a mess he wasn't prepared to clean up.

"You did what you had to do." Sayid offered as Sawyer stood a little too long by the pit looking at the bodies, at Tom in particular.

"I know that Mohammad." He jerked away and started shoveling sand over the bodies. He didn't want pity or understanding, and he certainly didn't need justification. He'd do it again in a heartbeat.

Sayid nodded and picked up the other makeshift shovel.

They buried the bodies in silence, quickly covering up the evidence. When everyone came back there would be nothing to see. Nothing to indicate the destruction and death that had tainted their camp. But he would never forget it.

The fear in Tom's eyes. The smell of burnt flesh. Kate's tent blown all over the beach.

The sun was low in the sky as they finished, sweat coated their skin and as Sawyer leaned on his shovel and looked out over the ocean he saw a lone figure approaching.

He'd known it was a suicide mission. But that didn't mean, despite all the damned walls he'd built, something inside didn't hurt a little when he recognized Desmond, with no Charlie in tow.

Sawyer picked up his shovel and threw it. It wasn't right.

Sayid lifted his head and questioned Sawyer silently, wondering what set him off so suddenly. Sawyer simply pointed.

There was no need for words and as Sayid's eyes caught Desmond's slow walk he understood as well.

It didn't take long for Desmond to reach them, it took even less time for him to tell them what happened. But Sawyer found himself unable to focus on any of it.

All he could think about was the girl that Charlie left. The baby who once more had no father. It wasn't right.

He was furious, and there was no one left to kill. Not that he wanted to do that again. Except that he did. It was all he could think about now. Making them all pay. Even though he'd recently had it confirmed twice more that revenge didn't satisfy and left a foul taste in his mouth.

Someone should have to pay for this. How else was the red wall of fury that he kept locked inside supposed to dissipate?

He was reminded of Pickett's anger. Of being beaten to near death, of a gun held to his head... and wondered if this was karma coming back around. He didn't believe in those things, but this island made him question.

Sayid and Desmond started back to the beach but Sawyer hung back, watched as Hurley ran from the camp and met up with the group, peppered Desmond with questions... could see when the bigger man started to wipe at his eyes.

It should have been him. If he was the one who died, no one would shed a tear. No one cried for monsters. It was the best thing he could do for them all, and he'd tried. It just never seemed to work. Somehow he lived through all the crazy shit this island had thrown at them. Good people died, people who were missed, loved, needed.

And he kept on going, to dig holes and bury the evidence.

It wasn't right.

He was tired of digging holes.

More tired of finding himself back here. The place where he wished the hole was his. He hadn't felt like that in awhile.

Not since Kate.

Not since she'd brought fresh air back to his lungs. Recycled his old, worn out heart. Not since she'd given him a reason to stay out of those holes.

And now he'd probably have to dig one for her. If not literally... certainly figuratively.

Rescue spelled the end of anything they'd started, or didn't start... or played at starting. He didn't know how the hell she felt about it anyway, so why did it hurt so much to know he would have to let her go one way or the other?

And if they didn't get rescued, it was only a matter of time before he killed her anyway. Especially if she kept sleeping with him. He didn't have to look very far to be reminded of what could happen.

He didn't want to be a hero. He wanted to be selfish. But when it came to Kate, he knew he couldn't live with knowing she died because he couldn't keep his hands to himself. He didn't know how she made him do these things, make these decisions.

How she managed to make his insides feel raw and bleeding but at the same time heal him with the touch of her small hand? How she could make him crazy with need but never want to touch her freckled skin again?

He felt sick, but he'd already purged his stomach.

So he sat on the ground and watched the ocean. The others left him there and as the sun was just starting to disappear he heard the commotion of the group returning. Still he didn't move.

She would be there and he knew he couldn't face her just yet. He wanted to hold her in his mind a little longer before he pushed her away for good.

* * *

"Tomorrow we will hike out to the golf course. The clearing is big enough there for a helicopter to land. We'll be lifted off in small groups and dropped on Naomi's boat. Take only what's absolutely necessary. Does anyone have any questions?"

Kate couldn't focus on Jack's speech. Sawyer had yet to show up.

"She lied to us Jack, aren't you concerned..." Desmond started to respond but Kate slipped away quietly, not interested in hearing the rest. Too busy worrying about what stupid thing he was doing.

As she slipped past Sayid he grabbed her arm.

"He'll come when he's ready." He spoke softly so as not to disturb the rest of the group, busy listening to Jack try and defend his decision.

"Where is he?" She pleaded.

For a moment she didn't think he'd answer her. He hesitated and looked about ready to dismiss her, but something stopped him and he offered her a sad smile.

"Just down the beach, where we buried the bodies." Sayid's voice a soft whisper, accompanied his pointed finger.

"Thank you." She murmured then took off down the beach.

He met her halfway.

"Whoa... slow down, shortcake." He murmured as she flung herself in his arms.

"I'm sorry. I just... I can't... Charlie's dead and we're being rescued and this is possibly the last night we'll have together and I couldn't even concentrate on anything going on and you weren't there and I was worried." He couldn't stop himself from pulling her closer and kissing her brow.

He was becoming addicted to her body pressed against his; the taste of her skin beyond intoxicating. She wasn't going to make this easy.

"I'm fine. You're fine. Which is how we should leave it. We'll be rescued soon, you said it yourself, this is probably the last night we'll have here. I know you're not stupid. The chances of you not ending up in jail by the end of the week are practically nonexistent. So this should be it." He pushed her away and caught the moisture in her eyes; it nearly changed his mind. Still he stood his ground.

"What are you saying, Sawyer? I thought you wanted this?" She stepped back further, bit her bottom lip and tilted her head, eyes full and so goddamn beautiful it hit him like being punched in the gut.

"Sorry babe, but I'm not gonna wait around forever for you to get out." He probably would anyway, she touched him in a place no one else ever had and it wasn't likely he would forget that anytime soon, but that was no reason for her to hang on forever.

"You said you loved me." She accused him, her hands on her hips.

He felt his throat dry, a sharp stinging in his eyes.

He had told her that, and what was worse... he'd meant it. He didn't want to take it back, but he knew he had no other option.

"I..."

"No." She interrupted. Placed her lips against his and kissed him with everything she had.

His hands found her waist and he pressed her against him. Backed her up to a tree and answered her fervent lips.

He could tell her tomorrow. Push her away tomorrow.

He needed her now.

She took the pain away.

Took away the disappointment and need to hurt someone.

Her fingers tangled in his hair, her lips danced across his skin.

"Lie to me if you have to." She panted against his skin as he ground his hips into her and her legs wrapped around his waist. "... give me tonight... please."

Her soft breath tickled his ear as she begged him.

"... please come back to me... just for tonight." She moaned as his lips sucked on her neck... leaving a mark. She was his, he wanted her to know that. After tomorrow, when she was far from his arms and he couldn't protect her from the world. He wanted her fingers to brush her neck, he wanted her to remember the passion he felt for her.

Mostly he wanted her to know that no one else could have her the same way.

Her fingers tugged at his shirt and then the button on his pants as he placed kisses down her throat. Licked the salt from her skin.

"... I could love you too." She murmured as she slid her hand down his pants.

He pulled back abruptly and she fell to the ground.

"What the hell?.. that hurt Sawyer." She stood, her hand rubbing where her skin had scrapped against the tree as she fell.

"I can't do this." His voice cracked as he turned and left her.

Kate didn't bother to fix her disarrayed clothes, she simply curled into a ball on her side.

"I can't do _this_." she cried out to his retreating shadow. He paused for a moment but didn't turn to face her. "... please."

He continued to walk away and she felt her heart shatter a little.

Her warm tears accompanied her into sleep.


	3. How the Truth Gets In The Way

**...the things I want to say to you get lost before they come...**

In Between—Linkin Park

* * *

He left her on the beach all night. She didn't move and every time he looked back to where she lay curled in the sand, which was often, he had to fight the urge to go pick her up and carry her back to his tent.

He was a coward.

Consequently he didn't sleep well and he couldn't imagine that she had either. The next morning when they broke camp once more for the short hike to their makeshift golf course, he was grumpy and more than a little bristly.

She didn't walk beside him this time. He didn't blame her.

Instead she walked off to the side of the group, alone. Her clothes, from yesterday, hung off her tired body, her pack appeared to weigh more than she did. He watched her trudge along feeling guilty.

How much of her tired and worn presence was his fault?

He couldn't help but remember what waited for her and he knew her mind was probably busy coming up with some way out. He didn't trust her to stay with the group, wouldn't have blamed her if she took off into the jungle to find Locke. To stay here.

It would be better for her, he was certain of that.

Hell it was probably better for him too. There was nothing out there for him, no one waiting. He'd go back to his life of conning. It wasn't something he could change. Too many things stood in the way, too many things proved that failure was his only option. Two of those things lay dead on this very island. Another one was going to ruin her life by climbing on a helicopter and he hadn't even had the decency to grant her one last request.

He had to be the lowest life form on the planet.

He should have been there for her, should have swallowed his pride and stood with her in the end.

He was a coward.

But he wasn't going to change that now.

He tore his eyes from her forlorn figure and picked up his pace so she wouldn't distract him again. He couldn't afford to cave now.

* * *

She felt awful. Chalked it up to spending the night in the cold sand. She hadn't eaten anything either. Maybe once she ate something her stomach would stop turning. Though the idea of putting food inside while said stomach was busy doing gymnastics didn't seem too great either.

Truth be told she hadn't been feeling that great for a couple of days now and it was starting to worry her.

She was beginning to suspect that Sawyer had given her something he was dead set against.

And if he had, what then?

She tossed her head back and groaned. Stopped walking and pulled her water from her pack. As she took a small sip she caught his eyes out of the corner of hers. He quickly looked away, but not before she caught his pathetically mournful expression.

He pissed her off. She wanted to go up to him and smack him for the way he'd left her the night before. Wanted to tell him if he wanted this to be over he didn't have the right to watch her like he was.

He wasn't allowed to make her feel bad, want to comfort him.

She'd hardly slept the night before, but when she did wake in the early gray light before dawn she'd resolved one thing: she wasn't going to mourn her loss, and she wasn't going to run back to him again.

But if he didn't stop looking at her like that, she might have to eat those words.

Maybe it was a good thing she wouldn't be seeing him again. This was going to drive her crazy.

Her stomach clenched in on itself and she bent over and vomited.

Excellent. She wondered briefly if things could get any worse, decided that they probably could and pushed the nagging fears in the back of her mind farther away.

Maybe it was just nerves.

"Are you alright?" Juliet asked as she came up behind Kate and placed a hand on her shoulder.

Well if possibly carrying Sawyer's child, while imprisonment loomed so cheerily on the horizon was ok, then yeah she was having a fucking marvelous time. The feelings of abandonment and betrayal were really just a delightful bonus.

God, sometimes she hated people.

"Peachy. It's nothing." She shrugged it off and rinsed her mouth with water from her bottle. Spat the rest of the bile flavored liquid from her mouth. Lingered for a moment over the muddy ground. "...not all of us are as excited for this."

She would admit that much.

"Are you sure that's it? When was the last time you--"

She didn't even give Juliet time to finish that thought. It wasn't happening. It wasn't. If sheer will could prevent it, then there was no way in hell it was possible.

"That's it." Kate gave Juliet an angry look. She wasn't going to argue this, it was nerves. Nothing else.

"Ok. Do you want me to get Sawyer?"

She hated that part of her was screaming yes. Hated that part of her longed for just that.

"Why the hell would I want that? Just leave me alone, ok? I'm fine." Kate started walking again and wished she'd sat down for a minute. Everything wanted to spin and it was only making her stomach more upset.

It would have been nice to have Sawyer's strong arm around her, and she would have killed to be able to curl up against him as he helped her to their destination. But that wasn't really an option. She didn't really want that.

At least, she had to stop wanting that. He wasn't going to be there in the future, that had been painfully clear for awhile now.

So she sighed and kept on going. Focusing on placing one heavy foot in front of the other; avoiding roots and rubble at her feet. The first of the group was just reaching the open field now anyway and she could see them dispersing to wait for a ride home.

Could feel their barely contained excitement. Even Claire, who had sat quietly by the fire late into the night, doing little more than staring at the flames and bouncing a squabbling Aaron until someone had taken him from her reluctant arms, seemed to liven up at the possibility of leaving this hellhole.

And yet... still... Maybe she was just too tired to take it all in, maybe her weariness prevented it from sinking all the way through the cloud of grief that had settled over her.

Yet...

It all seemed so horribly anticlimactic.

She almost didn't believe it was actually happening.

---

His eyes kept wandering to find her. He really had to stop that. He hadn't made it for five whole minutes before he realized that once more he was searching her out.

Constantly checking to see if she was alright... still with them.

He never could push the fear that he'd turn around and she'd be gone, from his overtaxed mind. Even with Ben, bound and gagged, at the front of the line, the fear that the "others," still lurked out in the quietness, still waited for the perfect moment to attack...

His eyes caught her form again, double checking. He had to get her out of his system. Wondered just what kind of detox program would work on the dark haired, freckled girl who seemed so intent on haunting his every waking hour.

It was too late to look away, she'd caught him again as she exited the tree cover and stepped out onto the sunny field shading her eyes from the sun and taking inventory of the gathering in front of her.

Probably scoping him out, so she'd know which direction not to go. He certainly wouldn't blame her. It was that, or looking for Jack. The second option, was as always, much less appealing.

He offered her a weak smile, because he felt more than a little stupid at being caught and he couldn't scowl at her for his mistake. Well he could, but he'd noticed how tired she looked and he didn't quite have the heart to hurt her again so soon after the incident the night before.

She didn't smile back, he hadn't expected her to, simply cast a somewhat confused look his way then looked away quickly.

Hiding. He did have a way with that. Making her run was, by now, something he excelled at. He hated himself for that, for every fear he confirmed, for every heartache he cast her way. He hated that she had to get so caught up in his self destruction. Wished that there was some other way to end it.

His gaze held her captive, as if he could perform such a feat, until Steve, or was it Scott—he could never remember—stumbled into her from behind. She fell forward and would have tumbled to the ground completely if Sun hadn't been standing there to catch her.

It worried him. She wasn't clumsy and she was stronger than most women. A shove from Steve shouldn't have sent her toppling.

He convinced himself not to go to her aid however, and lasted a full ten minutes. He thought it was an accomplishment he could feel proud over. At least he'd lasted those ten minutes.

Next time he'd have to stretch it a lot longer, but then he wouldn't have much of a choice after they were picked up, so he figured it would make things a hell of a lot easier.

* * *

She felt his eyes on her again as she sat on the ground in the shade, her back against a tree, waiting for rescue. Jack informed them it wouldn't be long as the first helicopter was supposed to land in about a half hour.

She'd made a fool of herself by being so distracted by him, aware even when she couldn't bring herself to look at him, she'd almost face planted it when Scott bumped into her. She'd had to shake Sun off before retreating to the shade.

She thought she'd done a pretty good job of ignoring Sawyer's concerned looks as they burned every inch of her skin.

However, the last ten minutes may have been the longest in recorded history. She felt her cheeks burn and her heart race as she caught him staring again out of the corner of her eyes. She felt when his looks went from scanning for injury, to puzzlement.

It wasn't until he started toward her with his determined look that she pondered the pros of running deep into the jungle, never to be heard from again.

Memories of last night flooded her mind and she felt like a fool for acting the way she had, he obviously didn't want her enough to fight for her. She must have looked pretty pathetic begging him to stay with her. Every time she felt his eyes on her, she was reminded of it and a bit mortified as well.

What the hell had she been thinking? That he would change for her? Unlikely.

As such, she avoided his eyes, or even looking his way as he came up to her and sat with the tree between them. Willed rescue to come quickly. Even jail was better than facing him again.

"What's going on, Kate?" He asked, his head turned sideways, his voice low and cast over his shoulder. She was glad he couldn't see the way she sat with her head resting against the trunk of the tree, eyes cast up. Glad he couldn't see the way they seemed ready to tear over at any minute.

She wondered if he really wanted the list. Likely he didn't. She didn't know why he felt obligated to ask. He certainly didn't feel obligated to share anything on his list.

"Funny... I recall asking you the same thing. Nothing's going on. We're getting rescued." He could have imagined the tremor in her voice, and he was too stubborn to look, but it struck him all the same.

He'd let the tree stay between them, it was safer that way. If he couldn't see or touch her maybe it would be easier. It was dangerous to sit here at all. She was a fire he shouldn't be playing with, but he found that he couldn't resist her siren call completely.

He only had about a million questions for her. With the end in sight, it was harder to keep them to himself. Harder to pretend that he didn't want to know. Harder to believe that she hadn't touched deeply.

"Right." He mumbled, he really had no right to ask her what was wrong. It was a mistake to come over to her at all. He knew that with every step he'd taken. It was the reason that he had decided to sit on the other side of the tree after all.

Still he didn't move, even though the ground was damp and moisture seeped through his jeans. Even though he could feel the tension, almost taste her desire for him to leave.

Even though he knew he was simply tempting himself and that lingering would ultimately end in the demise of his resolve.

"I'm not sorry." He told her after a few moments of silence. He didn't know what for, or maybe he did and simply chose to believe the lie. "You know how it ends. You always have."

The sad thing, was that he was right. She did know, and hadn't she once thought along those same lines? The complete pointlessness of a relationship with a person she'd just end up saying goodbye to in the end. Better to break it off before things got impossible.

It just didn't mean she had to like it. And for awhile it had felt so good to believe otherwise.

"What do you want from me?" She asked softly. Her toe tug at the ground, her hands rested flat next to her, an adventurous ant crawled across the back of her hand and she watched it. Every muscle tense, ready for flight.

They couldn't keep playing this game. It would rip them apart.

"Nothing. I just... Kate... regardless of everything I just..." He fumbled, uncertain how to tell her without leading her on. But certain he had to tell her. Especially if he never saw her again. He had to end it completely, before he destroyed even the good memories. Though a part of him said it was better for her to hate him, the longer he lingered the less he wanted that.

She wondered what he could possibly have to say to her. He'd made it fairly clear the last few days. Maybe it was because her fears overwhelmed her, maybe because his betrayal seemed so sudden, cut so much deeper.

Maybe it was the desire to run away from all of this and hide. To stay.

Maybe that's why she found herself making certain assumptions about his reasons for being so attentive this morning.

"What? You wanted to make sure I wasn't going to run off into the jungle?" Her voice was bitter, appropriately so. If anyone understood her resistance, it should have been him. It rankled to think that he was here to babysit her, but he confused her so much with his actions that she found herself jumping to that conclusion.

"Hell no... If anything you should probably do just that... It's just I can't see you all that happy here without anyone else to keep you company. You won't run." He was right, she had no real intentions of running, as much as she hated the idea of prison. the island would become just that if she stayed.

"... you could stay with me." She broached carefully. Turned her head so she could look over her shoulder at where he sat. Still, stupidly perhaps, clinging to some shred of hope.

He didn't respond immediately. The idea had crossed his mind. It was more than a little tempting; staying stranded on a desert island with the girl of his dreams. But no matter how many times he had the same argument with himself, it always ended with the certainty that they couldn't stay, not like this.

"Can you imagine the two of us here? Trying to stay alive? Sorry Sweetheart, but we weren't built for this kind of life. Not really."

She wanted to argue that they could stay alive. That they were built to live like this. But she knew that he hadn't voiced his real reason for wanting off the island.

He wasn't ready to commit to something like that. To give up any possibility of anything more. To stay with her.

If she was honest, she wasn't ready either.

"... sides... I ain't to hot on the idea of a life of celibacy either, babe."

She wanted to laugh at his casual way of dealing with it, even as her heart was breaking a little. Wanted to argue that it didn't have to be that way, even when she knew it did. It was a fruitless argument. With them, it had always been all or nothing.

Hadn't they tried the friendship thing before?

Ten days after meeting him she already had her tongue in his mouth... didn't take a rocket scientist to figure out that even though she'd been pushed into the kiss, she'd enjoyed it far too much to want to go without it for long.

And how many times since had she vowed not to return to him... Yet here she was again, wishing that he would give in. She hadn't lasted more than a few hours this time around. It couldn't be healthy, the way they tore at each other then begged for more.

"Yeah..." She sighed and turned her head back toward the front; admitted the truth to herself.

People were milling around and pointing at the sky. She could hear the approach of a helicopter and the happy sounds of the excited group. It wouldn't be long now. She wondered if she could get a kiss goodbye, one last lingering look to last her the rest of her life.

She sounded so completely miserable he wanted to take her in his arms and keep the world away. He wanted to risk everything to keep them from her. Keep her safe. He was almost willing to grab her hand and tug her back into the heart of the jungle of darkness and keep her there with him.

Maybe they could make it work.

Stupid thought, but he couldn't take much more of her like this.

He adjusted his position slightly, slid his hand back until his fingers brushed hers lightly.

Accidentally of course. He wouldn't break his vow intentionally. Even for just the slightest of touches.

Her fingertips brushed his, just barely ghosting over her skin, before pulling away for a moment.

He slid his other hand back and mirrored his earlier actions. She didn't pull away this time and instead let her other hand slid back toward his.

The tree separating them was large enough to make reaching out to each other almost uncomfortable, but neither moved.

A minor concession. These would probably be their last moments together away from prying eyes.

What harm could it do?

"Are you scared?" Sawyer broke the silence again. The warmth of her skin, melted the icy edges of his. He could almost see her green eyes, alive again as she revived him so effortlessly.

"Yes and no. I know what's going to happen, it's the when that has me on edge." She answered honestly, his touch refreshed her. Felt the connection they shared as wave after wave of comfort radiated from him, tingled in her fingertips where they rested against his.

"You know I could..." Sawyer started to cave in but stopped when he noticed the pitch in the helicopter's hum change.

What the hell?

And in the blink of an eye the balance shifted again.

Chaos erupted.

"It's gonna crash!"

"Quick! Move out of the way!"

Kate was too stunned to move as she watched people scattering out of the way of the helicopter sent to rescue them as it fell from the sky

People screaming.

It crashed into the ground and struck Scott down where he stood.

People running.

Sawyer turned in time to see the helicopter hit.

More death.

He watched it tumble and twist.

No.

Watched as bits of metal bit into trees and a few unlucky bystanders.

And lastly, he saw the way Kate sat.

Frozen.

Directly in the line of fire.

He moved without thinking.

She felt him before she saw him. Felt all the air whoosh from her lungs as he tackled her to the ground. His body warm and hard, crushing her to the safety of the jungle floor as chaos rained down.

He covered her, pressed her into the ground when she tried to push him off. Her hands pushed against his chest ineffectually. In the back of his mind he knew she was trying to tell him something but his focus lay on keeping her down until the helicopter settled and things stopped flying through the air.

His mind screaming. He could have lost her.

She couldn't breath with him crushing her, but he didn't show any signs of moving, so she brought her knee up between his legs to catch his attention.

"Shit! What the hell d'ya do that for?" He griped as he rolled off of her, doubled over slightly at the offense.

Cause you deserved it, you bastard. She suppressed a smile. She wondered if that would always be her first thought; amused that she didn't mind if it was.

"You were crushing me." She answered honestly. The smile back in her eyes.

Hell, if all he had to do to get her to lose that mopey eyed miserableness from before was throw himself on top of her, he might be up for it.

"You never seemed to mind before." He teased, their old playfulness slipping back into the equation. It felt good.

Couldn't possibly last, but it felt next to wonderful. Exceeded only in excellence, of course, by the look on her face when she lost herself in ecstasy, but this would work for now.

"I could breath before." She almost smirked as he stared into her eyes. He gave her five impossible seconds before breaking eye contact and looking around at the destruction they'd narrowly avoided.

"Are you alright?" Jack's voice called to them. Sawyer nodded back and watched Jack hurry away, off to save some nameless victim.

Sawyer turned back to offer Kate a hand when he noticed her attention glued to the tree they'd been sitting against.

"What is—"

He didn't need to finish his question.

A piece of metal about four feet long and four inches thick protruded from the tree. Pierced it cleanly in the approximate location her head had resided in just minutes ago. Popped out the other side where he'd been sitting.

"Huh, well... Think Jack knows how to reconstruct a helicopter? Maybe with enough coconuts and super glue..."


	4. A Black Wind

**... the clouds above move closer...**

Valentine's Day- Linkin Park

* * *

He was secretive about the entire conversation. That's how Sawyer would remember it later. That Jack took the satellite phone and went off with Juliet into the woods, to avoid creating a "panic." At the time they were all too busy to question it.

Three people had been killed in the crash, including the pilot and his companion. More than a handful of people had sustained injuries, thankfully none of which were life threatening. There were far too many graves on the island as it was.

Kate would remember that Jack had spent an hour making sure everyone was ok before he climbed to the other side of the ridge where reception was better. She'd remember that he'd asked Sayid to watch Ben, and asked her if she wanted to come along. She would remember that she told him no, not because the trip seemed too overwhelming in her exhaustion—by that time her dizziness had passed, but because she'd thought it was the right thing to do.

To stay with Sawyer.

Things were different now that rescue wasn't so immediate.

But Sawyer, was back to himself. He seemed eager to forget those last few moments under the shade of the, now impaled, tree they'd shared. She'd remember how irritated he was when he found out that Jack had left them there.

He'd started to storm off in the direction that Jack had gone but she grabbed his wrist and pulled him back under the shade of a tree that the injured hikers had gathered under.

"Don't."

He tried to tug his arm away but her grip tightened and her eyes warred with his. A silent battle, she knew she had to win. His eyes darkened in anger and she answered back with a glare of her own.

"Don't." She simply repeated.

Everything in him wanted to run after Jack. To get away from her and her attitude, her apparent anger at him. He may have been pissed at Jack for taking off; but staying with her and her questioning eyes, facing the contempt he felt for himself, was worse.

He'd almost given in, in the shade with her hands under his as she opened up to him, he'd almost given up on pushing her away and surrendered to the pull that locked him to her in a battle that couldn't be lost, and now that it wasn't clear when they'd be picked up it was even more dangerous to be around her. He hadn't thought that was possible. Wondered when he was going to learn that nothing went the way it was planned on this island.

Not for the first time, he wondered if this really was an exercise in futility. If in the end, the pull between them would prove too strong. If maybe they'd end up crashing into each other, shattering in a million unrepairable pieces. Together, but so alone.

Her fingers dug into the flesh of his wrist, angry red welts where her fingernails bit his skin. Marking him in yet another way. Her knuckles white and desperate. She wasn't going to let him go until he agreed; that he could see in her eyes.

He could rip his arm free of her grip, but he didn't want to hurt her, and he wasn't too keen on the idea of those nails breaking his skin. He could yell at her, make her wish he was as far from her as possible. Or he could agree with her and run off when she wasn't looking.

As he contemplated his options she held his eyes, begging silently. He wondered when he started seeing his world in her eyes, pondered on the danger of needing her so desperately.

When in the back of his mind, the urge to push her up against the nearest tree and kiss her senseless had become so commonplace.

He decided to let that one pass this time, even if it was the most tempting.

"Look, they need you here ok?" She tried another tactic, exasperation slipping into her voice.. If he wouldn't stay for her, maybe he would stay for them. If he knew that she wasn't asking for herself, but for the welfare of the group maybe he would relent, forget his stupid need to escape her.

For some reason unknown to her, they trusted Sawyer. Even after everything he'd put them through, when it came down to it, their small band of survivors put their lives in his hands. Which is what the group needed right now. Jack's bedside manner sucked, but Sawyer inspired hope in the ragtag group.

If he ran off into the jungle after Jack, and that woman he brought back from his time with i_them_... /i

If she had to forget how much she needed him, she would. If she had to close her eyes, turn her head, to hide from him, to keep him from running off into possible danger, she would.

It wouldn't matter that all she really wanted to do was pull him down to the ground and curl up in his arms. Whisper how sorry she was for being cross with him. How much she wished he could just tell her what was wrong. Why was he so distant? What happened to hurt him?

It wasn't her. She was almost certain of that. She didn't think she could be the cause of the darkness in his eyes and the heavy crease on his brow. There was no reason she could discern for the guilt in his eyes.

"Kate." It was almost a plead, and she let his wrist slip through her hand in reaction. She couldn't detain him from what he thought he needed to do, she knew that. Her heart couldn't bear to watch him suffer in silence. She just wished she could persuade him otherwise.

"They'll be right back..." Her liquid eyes met his and he felt his resolve melting like chocolate in the sun. Like her green eyes. "...please."

"Fine." He sighed and brushed at a scratch on her cheek, wondered where she'd picked that up, if he'd been the cause as he pushed her to safety.

It didn't matter how many times he told himself he was a coward, he was completely weak when it came to her. If she ever found out just how much she could weasel out of him with those eyes, that mournful expression...

"What do you need?" His voice a warm grumble, rough and smooth. Dark and deep.

_You. The real you. Not this imitation. Not this blocked off, frustrating man in front of me._

She sighed. This wasn't going to be easy; and it seemed he had no intention of making it so.

"They just need to see you. I don't know. I feel like I should be asking you what we should do." She wished he'd stop looking at her like she knew what she was doing. She wished she didn't want to hide in his arms, wished she didn't want him telling her what to do.

It was funny, ironic even, that she'd been so scared of going back, scared of losing him for good. Now it looked like rescue wouldn't be coming anytime soon, and she was more afraid of being next to him.

This was what she'd wanted, wasn't it?

She didn't know anymore. So it was with him as well, she supposed. He probably felt just as disoriented. Neither one of them was any good at this.

"We could camp here for the night. They may be able to get us another helicopter soon." He suggested. They could at least keep the illusion of hope, he doubted returning to the beach for the night would be met with as much of that particular trait. It smacked of giving up, giving in.

He stepped closer and placed his hand on the small of her back, guiding her away from the overeager ears of the injured, pretended not to notice how tired she looked, how the worried crease in her forehead seemed to draw all the light from her eyes. How she leaned more heavily into him than she ever had before. He tried to ignore how right it felt, how well she always fit. He tried to focus on her words and not wonder what everyone else saw.

"Somehow I don't think that's going to work. That's two helicopters in the past week. I don't think it's a coincidence." She murmured and leaned toward him slightly, the warmth of his hand on her back was comforting as she drew her strength from him.

"Neither do I."

"So we head back to the beach then?" She questioned, turned to look at him with what little hope she could muster.

"Most likely."

He wanted to wrap her up and put her in his pocket. Keep her from being tossed and battered by the winds of chance that seemed to treat them all so cruelly. From the people who hurt her, himself included.

He wanted to yell at her to run as far and fast as she could. Away from him, before he broke her as well. He couldn't bear the thought of watching her pick up the pieces afterward. It was hard enough to see when he wasn't the cause.

The image of her being led in cuffs to a cage across from his, still haunted him. Her eyes, heavy with tears, and her brave face hiding all of her fears. He'd never be able to burn that image from his brain, or forget the heartbreaking agony of not being able to touch her, hold her.

He couldn't live with himself if he became the cause of those tears, of that fear.

"I'm more concerned about what we're going to do with him." Sawyer indicated as his thoughts led him to remember their prisoner, who sat quietly under a tree a good fifty meters from the rest of the group next to a solemn Sayid.

"Jack will want to keep him close. I'm sure we'll all get a shift making sure he doesn't try to run." She sighed. Wondered how well that would work. No one was going to be happy about keeping him around, but it wasn't as if they had very many options.

"You look tired." He almost whispered. Unable to keep his concern to himself.

"I'm fine. Didn't think you'd notice." Her voice held a slight edge he was sure he deserved as her eyes challenged him and her chin defied him, perched in the air stubbornly. He looked away before speaking.

"I did." He paused, met her eyes again before finishing. "You should go sit with the rest of them." She smiled and rested her forehead on his shoulder for a moment before speaking.

"I will later... About before--" She pulled back and tried to bridge the gap but he interrupted.

"I know. It won't happen again." And then he looked away, his hand dropped from where it had rested so completely perfect on her lower back.

He didn't know. Or he didn't care. Either way it meant the same thing.

"James..." He almost flinched. Didn't she know that wasn't who he was, not anymore. He would probably never be that person again. It was hopeless to pretend that he was. He was a monster.

Thankfully, Jack's reappearance spared them from anymore awkward conversation.

"...We'll talk about this later..." She promised as he headed toward Jack and Juliet.

She was more than a little envious of the way Jack got to walk so close to Juliet. Of the way their shoulders brushed occasionally and their words were spoken low enough for their ears only. Anyone could see that he cared about her and that she cared about him.

Sawyer was like that once... For a very brief moment in time.

"It's not good." Jack started out as Kate and Sawyer gathered around him. "When the Hatch was destroyed so was any control over the magnetic anomaly that it was maintaining. Basically, anything that flies over is going to crash."

"That doesn't make any sense. How do they know that? Who are these people who you are talking to?" Sawyer questioned, irritated and uncomfortable.

"I think you know who they are, Sawyer. I think by this time we all do."

"Dharma." Kate murmured. Jack nodded and looked to Juliet.

"Apparently, they were harnessing the magnetic energy to power something and to control the air traffic. It was the build up caused by their interference that caused your plane to crash. As it is no longer allowed to buildup, there is a gradual release that causes relatively no harm other than to mess with the instruments in anything that flies over." Juliet supplied.

"I still don't like it. You saw that thing crash, are you trying to tell me that was because they couldn't tell what direction was up and which was down? I don't buy it." Sawyer insisted. No longer comfortable with the idea that Dharma was going to come and get them off of their pet island.

He didn't find it likely that they would go anywhere. And hadn't they already known that their helicopter would crash? Even if they didn't have anyone left on the island—which he didn't believe, who was Ben—they'd still have to know after Naomi crashed.

Why would they send them? Did they just not care about the two people who they sent out to die? Was it all some kind of cover up? If so why tell Jack and Juliet about the anomaly?

"It doesn't matter how it happened now. All that matters is that they aren't sending another helicopter--" Jack continued.

"So we're stuck here." Kate interrupted, fire back in her eyes. After all they'd gone through, the false hope. They weren't going to get off after all? The part of her that was relieved fought with the part of her facing disappointment.

"No... not forever. They are going to try and find the island by boat but the same anomaly that messed with the helicopter..." Jack tried to remain optimistic but Kate could see the hope fading as his words drifted off.

"...is going to make it difficult for a boat... The only difference is that a boat isn't gonna fall out of the sky if it has problems." Sawyer scoffed and turned his head away for a moment.

"We could be here for a long time yet." Juliet added.

The four of them stood looking away from each other. At the ground, at the sky, past each other to the group of people waiting for an update, and to the prisoner under the tree with Sayid.

It was a long moment before Kate finally broke the silence.

"So what do we do now?"

"We go back..." Jack answered as he grabbed Juliet's hand and offered her a small smile.

"... and we wait." Sawyer turned and left the three of them standing in the middle of the feild, his feet and heart heavy.

Jack and Juliet wandered off also as Kate stood, her eyes following Sawyer for a moment before turning back to the sky. What did that mean for them? Would Sawyer insist on this false relationship, this painful and fake distance? He had to know he was always on her mind.

Aaron cried in the distance and Kate caught the group gathering around Jack out of the corner of her eye. Claire bounced Aaron gently trying to hush him. Hurley tossed out a few questions that she didn't bother to pay attention to. Sun stood in front of Jin, his arms wrapped around her waist.

What were they going to do about that, Sun and her baby? If they didn't get off the island soon, Sun didn't have much of a chance.

What would that mean for her?

Her eyes drifted down to her stomach. She placed a hand over her stomach, smoothed her shirt.

She feared she already knew the answer.

Her fingers twisted in the hem of her shirt, tugged and pulled. Her mind uneasy as she worried the material between her fingers briefly before pulling her hand away.

The choice wasn't as hard as it should have been.

She'd have her fears confirmed and then she'd wait like the rest of them. A ticking time bomb. But she wouldn't wait until the fuse was too short to do anything about it. She wouldn't give herself too long to get attached to the idea either.

They would have been separated anyway.

But she would give it some time. Maybe she hadn't made her mind up completely, or maybe she just hoped it wouldn't come down to it. But if it did, she wouldn't hesitate.

And maybe she was just being silly, maybe she didn't carry his child.

It would be the best possible outcome, yet it stung a little.

So she'd wait. And she hated waiting.

AN: I'm sorry this chapter took longer than intended to be posted. It's inventory time at work and I've been pulling some long shifts. However, the next chapter should be ready in a couple of days.


	5. Between

**...fear is not afraid of you, but guilt's a language you can understand...**

In Between—Linkin Park

* * *

Sawyer ignored her on the way back to the beach. She wasn't surprised.

The hike back took much longer, feet heavy with dashed hope. The disappointment and horror of the aborted rescue hung heavy over all of them. But it seemed that no one took it quite as hard as he did, she noticed, as he distanced himself from the group. Though he seemed to be taking a lot of things much harder than the rest of the group.

A light rain fell around them and the jungle smelled fresh and new, but Kate found the rain more than a little depressing. For the first time since crashing, it no longer heralded new life, but death and decay, a gray and miserable continuance, stuck in an eternity of darkness. Distasteful and disguised, not the honest or refreshing showers of the past.

She watched, from her position in the end of the line, as it weighed on everyone. Even when crashing here, they'd had some hope, but now... It seemed as if everyone felt the darkness of the clouds, the aching emptiness that consumed her.

Sun and Jin. Rose and Bernard. Jack and Juliet. Claire and Aaron. Desmond and Hurley. Everyone seemed to have someone to walk with, share their disappointment or expound on their hope. Hell, even Sayid walked with Ben. Not that she envied him. It was just hard to look past the pairs. Harder still for her eyes to stray to his worn and tired form as he pushed his way through the jungle.

Claire looked over her shoulder and stopped short as their eyes met. Kate watched the confusion pass on the other girl's face as she searched the crowd and her eyes finally locked on Sawyer, walking by himself, in the front of the line.

She held back for a moment until Kate reached her, handed over Aaron.

Kate cuddled the baby closer, sniffed at his head, his warmth comforting, his soft skin soothing.

"How come babies always smell so good?" Kate smiled and pushed her problems with Sawyer to the back of her mind, where her subconscious could mull over them.

"How come you are back here and he is up there?" Claire wasted no time, and it was clear from the expression on her face what she thought. How much would Claire give to trade places with her, Kate wondered idly.

Probably more than she herself had ever been willing to give, which is what made the whole thing vastly unfair. Kate couldn't imagine a world without Sawyer anymore. She didn't want to. Yet Claire, forced by circumstance, was alone in her world with only Aaron to company her. She knew instinctively, that if anyone should come out of this whole, Claire was by far the most deserving.

Charlie's death was not right. None of what happened on this island seemed to be. But the island's perverted justice couldn't be escaped. And all the words in the world would not give the mother beside her, her heart's desire.

It made Kate feel guilty.

"Claire." She could not face this as well. Not today.

"No... I'd give anything for Charlie to be here, anything Kate."

Kate knew the unasked question. Knew the point that had no need of being driven home. She felt it every time she looked Claire's way. Why hadn't the island taken one of them? By now it was clear to almost everyone, that if anyone deserved it, they did.

But for all intents and purposes, they still had a chance.

So, why the hell were they playing this game? Why weren't they seizing the opportunity?

Love was a death sentence, it hung over all of them. Sun and Jin, Sayid and Shannon, Claire and Charlie, hell even Nikki and Paulo. But was living so torn apart, was being alive but dead inside... Was that a price she was willing to pay?

They weren't the type to burn out and wither away. They didn't easily forget either. A commitment on either side would bind them together for better or worse, most likely until death. Unfortunatly, worse was simply the more likely option, and death was a very possible outcome.

"It's not that simple." Kate sighed and handed Claire the baby. "If it was... there would be nothing... " She refused to finished the thought.

"It is though, Kate. I wasted too much time. Charlie..." Claire's eyes misted up and she hugged Aaron to her tightly. "I would do things differently." She finally breathed out softly.

Would _she _though? Maybe Kate would have been a little more forthcoming with her feelings. Maybe she would have been a little more honest.

But she doubted she would have changed anything, not really. If each step taken, led to where they were now... How many would have to change? How many of her choices were changeable? Better yet, how many would she willingly alter?

There were things she'd never regret. Steps, that if differed, would only have led here sooner. She couldn't picture them any differently. Sawyer didn't want a girl who didn't fight back, he didn't want a girl who was so entrapped in his spell she didn't put up a good chase. And he didn't want a girl who put it all out on the table in the afterglow.

He wanted her. At least that's what he claimed to want. And she was none of those girls. If she wanted to be with Sawyer, she knew that this was the most likely outcome. She knew that going in. It was one of the reasons she'd fought it so hard.

Because she knew he could hurt her like no one before.

"I can't change anything, Claire. He's made his choice. I've made mine. Sometimes things don't work the way you want them too. Sometimes they do."

Aaron fussed and Claire cradled him in her arms as his small hands waved impatiently, reached up to her as she cooed and tried to soothe him.

Kate's heart tangled in her throat.

"He misses Charlie." Claire sighed as they broke through the tree line and ground under their feet became the softer sand of the beach.

"We all do." Kate answered back as she turned to give them some privacy. She started back to the beach, intent on finding someplace to make a new tent. Hers had been destroyed in the attack.

Kate cast another look over her shoulder and didn't notice his approach. He mistakenly thought she looked away to avoid his eyes, and he paused on his path toward Claire and Aaron.

His heart throbbed painfully in his chest when he realized her eyes were locked on the image of Claire and Aaron, when he knew that her head moved not to hide from him, but to look on the mother and child.

Guilt trapped his voice and stalled his feet from moving out of her way.

When she crashed into Sawyer, his hands wrapped around her waist briefly to steady her. A mumbled sorry and then she'd pushed past him.

He tried not to let it shake him. Tried not to let her take his heart with her. Tried not to watch her back and the sway of her hips as she walked away. Goddamn her for her heartbreaking form! She was going to ruin him for certain. If he couldn't push past her as easily as she had pushed past him...

Aaron's squabbles tore him from his misery and he resumed his path to the upset boy, offered his arms and told Claire to get some rest.

Something about holding the baby, gave him hope, and though he was loathe to admit it, comfort as well. He knew that if he was with Aaron, the boy would settle easier. He always had in the past, when nothing else worked. The last thing Claire needed was a screaming child. He could see that whatever she'd been talking to Kate about had effected her deeply. Could see the stress around her eyes and the tears she fought to hide.

As he cuddled the baby to his chest and helped Claire to her tent, he couldn't help but shoot an angry look at Kate. What had she been thinking? It was obvious that she hurt Claire, and wasn't she suffering enough as it was

"Get some rest, you look tired. I'm sure we can look after Aaron for a little bit." Sawyer supplied, his eyes still following Kate as she approached Jack and Juliet.

"Go after her." Claire argued and held her hands out for Aaron.

"That's not gonna happen Mamacita. The little guy and I are going for a walk." Aaron had quieted and stared up at him with wide eyes. Claire threw her hands up and sighed, then gestured them away with the flick of her wrist.

"So here's the deal..." Sawyer spoke softly, Aaron's little hand wrapped around one of his fingers, as he started toward the shoreline. "Your ma needs some rest and with you around she isn't getting a lot of it, not now that the rock star wannabe isn't around anymore."

Aaron squabbled a bit and Sawyer amended himself.

"Fine, now that Charlie's gone. You're just as picky as your mom, you know that."

Aaron stopped his fussing and Sawyer chuckled. This wasn't as bad as he thought it would be, and there was something to be said for the way the little guy felt cradled in his arms.

"I never wanted to be a father. Charlie seemed good at it, you were one lucky little guy. Don't seem right."

He never wanted to be a father, but he was and might be once more. He'd told Kate he hoped she wasn't pregnant, but if he was honest with himself, it wouldn't be the end of the world. And it certainly wouldn't be the worse thing that happened to them either... excluding the death part of course.

"God help us both." He muttered.

* * *

Kate watched Sawyer take Aaron from Claire, she let herself imagine for a moment, but only a moment, what he would look like with their child.

He quickly scowled at her and ended the fantasy. It was clear that he didn't want her getting any ideas.

So she turned and left the image behind her, tried not to focus on the pain it left.

She met up with Juliet and Jack a little farther down the beach with the intention of asking Jack if he could spare a tarp for her new tent. He was moving his things into Juliet's tent and she figured that if his tent wasn't taken already by Sun and Jin, whose tent also had the unfortunate opportunity to end up scattered in a million pieces along the beach, then he'd be willing to give her his.

However, just before she reached them, Jack kissed Juliet on the cheek and took off, leaving Kate and Juliet alone. Kate called to him half heartedly, but decided against trying again as she tossed another look back at Sawyer and Aaron.

She had to know, and now was a good a time as any. It would give her the opportunity to get away from the beach. She knew if she stayed that she'd spend her time watching Sawyer hold Aaron, which was not a very healthy way to spend the day.

Wishing for the impossible only gave you disappointment in the end.

"What can I do for you, Kate?" Juliet asked, grabbing Kate's attention once more and she tore her eyes away from Sawyer and Aaron.

"You can't tell him." She wasn't sure why those were the first words from her mouth. Perhaps because if he didn't know, then it wouldn't matter. If he didn't know, it would be ok, they could still fix it. "J-- Sawyer, can't know about this."

"About what?" Juliet questioned as she rolled up the tarp on the front of her tent and motioned for Kate to give her a hand. Kate grabbed the other side of the tarp and rolled it up to match Juliet's side, trying to distract herself from the reality with the everyday motion. If she hid in the mundane everyday tasks of the island, maybe she could stop feeling. She wanted nothing more than to get lost in routine, to glide unthinking through the day until she couldn't remember what it felt like to feel for him.

"I think I'm pregnant." She placed an inordinate amount of attention on tying the tarp down. Juliet's fingers froze and her eyes focused on Kate for a moment, watching the silent battle.

"I see." She murmured; it wasn't a big surprise. It was more surprising that Kate had come to her. Juliet had expected her to go to Jack for something like this. She knew she didn't have Kate's trust. "I can tell you for sure... Is that what this is about?" she asked.

Kate nodded, her fingers stilled but her gaze didn't waver from the knot she'd tied. Juliet gave her a moment, she didn't envy the younger woman, if there was one thing no one should look forward to here, it was that. Her eyes found Ben, tied to a tree down the beach, and a new wave of anger choked her. One day he was going to have to account for all of this. For all the women who'd been tricked or lied to, for each death he'd helped facilitate.

_One day she'd have to atone as well._ The thought sent chills down her spine.

She could have stopped this. With Sun, there was nothing she could have done, but with Kate... she could have told them.

"It doesn't have to be now or anything. I mean if you're busy..." Kate started to chicken out. Her words flying quickly from her lips as her fingers untied and retied the knot to keep busy, pulling Juliet from her thoughts in the process. Yet still she refused to make eye contact, something Juliet was grateful for. She didn't quite know how to look this woman in the eyes and tell her she'd do everything she could, knowing that there was nothing she could do.

"It's fine. The sooner you know for sure, the better. Right?"

"Right." Kate confirmed, the ties slipped from her hands and she gathered the courage to look up at Juliet. Juliet offered a weak smile and Kate answered in the like.

"Shall we?" Juliet gestured toward the jungle and Kate nodded and watched as the doctor picked up a sack by her feet.

The walk to the medical hatch was silent, as was the exam. Kate prayed fervently with each step, each passing minute, that this would all be a bad dream. Another scare.

Time seemed to drag, and had there been a clock on the wall, Kate was sure it would be stuck. The hand suspended between seconds, making each minute an eternity.

The fear in the pit of her stomach making her nauseous, gnawing mercilessly as Juliet worked.

After what seemed far too long Juliet paused, her back to Kate as she placed the tools of her trade to the side. She knew, before Juliet turned around. Could tell by the stiffness in Juliet's shoulders, the hesitation in her movement; and when she turned around, the sadness in her eyes.

Kate nodded, turned her head to the side and bit her lip. Her eyes burned, and her heart sunk. Her hands clenched into fists at her side, fingernails biting into her palms.

Juliet felt completely helpless as she watched Kate come to terms with the confirmation. It was a feeling she was becoming far to familiar with.

Kate struggled to gather herself. Wondered why this was so hard. She had known, for awhile now. Hell, she'd even made her decision regarding the baby's fate if they didn't get off the island soon. So, why did it feel like her world was crashing around her?

Why did she feel so blasted helpless and alone?

Alone, that was the last thing she was. And hadn't that been what she'd wanted?

This was stupid, a waste of time and energy. She wasn't going to cry over what happened because they'd been careless. It was her own damn fault, and it was about time she took some fucking responsibility for her actions.

It was done, and it could be undone. It wasn't the end of the world and it certainly wasn't worth the tears that threatened to spill from her troubled eyes.

With her new determination firmly outlined in her stubborn jaw, echoed in her eyes, she turned to face Juliet, who hovered uncomfortably on the other side of the room.

It took Juliet only a moment to see the decision.

"No Kate, you need to think about this. Sawyer needs to know, and there is plenty of time before... Rescue is coming."

"And a prison cell after that. What kind of life could I possibly give my kid" She shot back, angry. As if all her fear had hardened around her heart, boiled into rage.

She pushed off of the table. "You know I'm right." Kate steamed as she gathered her things.

"He deserves to know, all the same." Juliet tried to reason.

"What he doesn't know won't hurt him." Kate defended as she spun around to face her. "... and you promised."

Juliet understood her unspoken words as clearly as if she'd yelled them.

_This is partly your fault as well. You want to tell him about how you could have stopped this from happening. You want to be the one to tell him I could die because you didn't open your mouth. Go ahead, be my guest. I'm sure he'll be fine with it. I'm sure he'll be happy to know he killed me. _

Or maybe that was her guilt speaking.

She didn't blame Kate for her anger, or for trying to place the blame where it rightfully went. This was what Ben had wanted, and she had helped create the situation. But regardless, the child was blameless, and Kate was far too emotional to be making any kind of decision; especially one regarding the life of her unborn child.

"I won't do it, Kate, and I won't tell him either. Until he comes to me and tells me that this is what you both want, I will not terminate your pregnancy." Though she judged that Sawyer was also not in the best position to be making this decision as well, there was nothing she could do if they both decided that this was the right route, she had to admit it was their choice.

And though it sickened her a little to have to terminate any pregnancy, that was the opposite what she'd spent her life trying to do, she had to grudgingly confess that that was most likely their best option. And though it would be dangerous, and not necessarily any kind of guarantee—she'd yet to have a successful termination on island—it was still better than the other option.

Kate absorbed her words, and found that she wasn't in the least bit concerned. Though she didn't want to go to Jack with this, if she had to it wouldn't be too hard to convince him. Juliet had to know that. And even if Jack couldn't convince Juliet to do it, Kate knew he wouldn't fail her.

There was no way she was telling Sawyer, not after everything.

So she agreed.

* * *

Aaron turned out to be a better companion than Sawyer imagined. The boy quickly fell asleep and left Sawyer to his thoughts.

Someone had pulled a log up to the edge of the water and Sawyer had settled there, Aaron in his arms, his feet bare, the hem of his pants, ragged and wet, as the ocean rushed the shore and lapped at his feet. Only faint traces of his ill-fated trek remained. Thin red lines, nearly healed, were the only indication of his troubled soul.

The blood washed clean, the scars remained. He wondered if they too would disappear completely, if he'd be left with just the ghosts. Just the memories and the guilt. Nothing to echo the anguish, nothing visible to mark him different from the rest of them. Part of him hoped not.

He was afraid that if they disappeared, he'd do it again. He was afraid that if they stayed it wouldn't matter either. He was afraid he could not overcome himself. That he was fated to repeat his actions, to never learn from them.

Or to grow so calloused it didn't bother him. Like his feet, numb from the chill of the ocean, he feared he too would grown numb from the violence he found himself forced into. If he could not master himself, what good was he to anyone else?

Would he hurt those he loved in a fit of passion? Though he could not imagine it before, now he could see himself eventually falling prey to that darker inclination. Kate drove him to distraction as it was, she always pushed the envelope, always had to fight with him, had to be right. It would be a lie to claim he never wanted to smack some sense into her. A lie to claim he never thought of throttling her for one of her pointed remarks.

He had never thought himself capable of violence against her before. He'd always sworn never to be that man. There was something sickening in it, something so reprehensible he'd never feared he'd commit that crime.

But then, he'd sworn never to kill a man again. He'd sworn never to let his anger get the better of him to that degree. And then he'd gone a step further than last time, done the deed with a rusted chain. He felt the life slip away, his hands, his strength. There was no safety of a gun, no distance, no wall of uncertainty or doubt. No way to place the blame elsewhere. No room for excuses.

And then to add insult to injury, he'd shot another man under the pretense of revenge. He still wondered if he'd only killed Tom as an outlet. If Tom was a substitute for something darker.

So now, he wondered what kind of excuse he would use in the future, and things that seemed impossible, looked a lot more likely.

But as he sat and watched Aaron, he started to question himself again.

True, he'd done horrible things. True, he didn't deserve most of what he had. But if...

He knew he'd never hurt the baby he held. That much was clear, more than easy to believe. So why was he so scared he'd hurt someone he loved a hell of a lot more than Aaron?

"Because, I do love her." He groaned and pulled his feet from the water.

That was the difference, he may not physically harm her, he would give himself credit for that, but he would hurt her emotionally. He would push her away, he would break her down. It's what people like him did.

He knew enough about her past to know that there were lines you didn't cross with her. He knew enough about his to know that it was likely he'd pass them, and he'd do it intentionally, because he knew it would hurt her.

Misery loves company after all.

No, the best thing he could do, the only thing he could do for her, was to walk away.

How many times would he have to come to that conclusion before he'd be able to do it?

A part of him would probably always long for this, with a twist of course. He'd trade the baby in his arms for hers, the empty space beside him for her.

But it was a part of him he'd have to deny. For the logical reasons, for the illogical ones, and because despite everything, this damned island wouldn't let it happen anyway.

His hands were already tied.

And when he handed Aaron back to Claire, he tried not to watch as she kissed his little forehead and whispered words of love to him. He tried not to feel the emptiness in himself.

Instead he turned and walked away.

* * *

Juliet sat facing the ocean as Jack slid to the sand next to her. His hand found hers and she smiled. Leaned her head against his shoulder and sighed. She was once more surprised at how comfortable this was.

She didn't like a lot of things about the man next to her, yet he always made her feel something. And maybe that's why she liked being close to him, because he made her feel again.

"What's wrong?" He questioned and she turned to meet his eyes.

"Kate's pregnant."


	6. Let Your Love Be Strong

**...Let your love be strong, and I don't care what goes down. Let your love be strong enough to weather through the thunder cloud...**

Let your Love be Strong- Switchfoot

* * *

After three more weeks on the island things began to settle back into place. With the knowledge that they were no longer being hunted, and that rescue was on the way, the mood on the beach had lifted considerably. Laughter was heard again, and talk turned back to discussion on what would happen when they were rescued.

People began planning their lives again.

Most of them anyway.

Some of the survivors found other distractions to occupy their time. Sayid, spent most of his days standing guard outside of the cage that Sawyer helped him build to keep Ben in. He'd spent hours interrogating the prisoner but with no luck. Ben hadn't spoken a word since the incident at the radio tower, where they'd lost Naomi and Locke had left them.

Locke hadn't been heard from since, which worried Jack. He doubted it was the last they'd see the man, but in the meantime he'd settled back into his role of leader, more comfortable in those large shoes. No longer as uncertain in his choices. Perhaps a little darker than before.

Juliet was quickly adopted into the group as well, a surprise to both Sawyer and Kate. While Kate was more willing to accept her presence, Sawyer doubted he'd ever trust her completely. It bothered him that Jack seemed so comfortable with her, but he knew there was nothing to be done for it.

And if he was honest with himself, he might be a bit envious as well. While Jack was sleeping soundly next to Juliet, the space next him lay empty, depressingly open. Kate had opted to claim Jack's old tent, small and sparse, Sawyer couldn't help but watch her settle in to sleep each night. Feel a tinge of guilt at the knowledge that at one time he would have tried his hardest to prevent the need for separate tents, and at the small tarp that barely covered her head. Jack's tent was far from impressive.

He'd contemplated switching tents with her himself, but he knew she'd take it the wrong way and make a big deal out of it. Besides, the less contact he had with her, the better. She too seemed eager to avoid him. When they ended up in the same place at the same time, it was Kate who made a quick exit, who avoided eye contact.

He couldn't say it surprised him, or that he didn't deserve it.

It was late afternoon and the sun hung heavy in the sky, he found himself once more chopping wood, his shirt tossed carelessly aside. He'd settled back into his routine as well as could be expected, with a few exceptions of course. He found he spent far more time chopping wood, and now he had the privilege of spending some time guarding their prisoner as well. That was where he'd be heading after this.

It was easier to spend the evening hours away from camp. That was when the majority of the group gathered around the fire to hear updates on rescue, to eat dinner, and to socialize. By standing guard, it allowed Sayid the opportunity to get an update on the current island situation, and it allowed Sawyer to avoid contact with the rest of the group.

He'd stay late into the night with Sayid, sometimes witnessing Sayid's interrogation techniques, most of the time sitting in relative silence. Then Sawyer would head back to the beach, when he was sure no one would stop him to chat.

Never failing to notice that Kate often still sat awake, waiting for him to come back. She never approached him, just noted he was back then climbed into her tent and settled in for the night.

It typically took him a long time to sleep after that, so he'd sleep late into the day, avoiding bumping into anyone at breakfast. When he finally emerged from his tent he'd quickly gather some food, pack it in his bag and head for the jungle to begin chopping more wood. Sometimes he'd stop by Claire's tent and take Aaron off of her hands for a bit, but Sun usually took care of that, something for which he was grateful.

He was finding himself growing entirely too attached to the boy, and the idea of a child, a family. So the hours spent chopping wood increased as his time with others decreased. He'd never been the life of the campfire, but even he noticed how much of a hermit he was becoming.

He buried the ax in the bark of a tree and reached down for his water bottle. Dumped some of it over his head to cool down.

She hadn't intended on bumping into him, at least that was her excuse. Kate knew full well that Sawyer disappeared into the jungle everyday, she knew how he liked to relieve stress, and how he did his job to keep camp running. She knew she was almost guaranteed to find him chopping wood. And just because he'd varied his location a bit, didn't mean she wouldn't find him. Especially after two hours in the jungle, wandering aimlessly. Or maybe less aimless than she'd like to admit.

Truth be told, she missed him. All the time.

Besides, he couldn't keep running away because she was in the same general area, and neither could she.

For three weeks she'd kept her pregnancy a secret and watched as he'd taken Aaron off of Claire's hands. For three weeks she'd debated with herself about telling him. She'd finally come to the conclusion that maybe he wouldn't be so mad about it.

However, first she needed to bridge the gap between them. She'd try friendship and see how well that went over. If they could handle more, maybe she'd tell him about the baby and her plans.

It wasn't like things could get much worse between them anyway.

So though she may, or may not, have been intentionally looking for him, when she caught him in the late afternoon sun, water streaming down his face and chest—his

skin shining, she lost her nerve for a minute. Her mind instantly flooded with not so wholesome thoughts about following that water with her tongue. Tracing the contours of his abs and...

She swallowed the lump rising in her throat and tried to chase the hazy, lust-filled thoughts from her brain. Damn hormones, that was all. At least pregnancy gave her something to blame. A reason for her racing heart and foggy mind.

He caught her out of the corner of his eyes, watched her head move slowly down, her eyes following every curve. Predatory.

The wind stirred a tendril of hair by her neck, the little bit that always seemed to escape; he loved that about her hair, that it refused to be bound, so much like her. He imagined his hands twisting in her thick locks and forcing her head to the side so he could lick the salt off of her skin; right in the curve of her neck, right where that blasted piece of hair tormented him.

She watched his throat as he brought the water bottle back up to his lips and chugged half of what was left. Water spilled from the corners of his mouth and ran down his chin in his haste. She wondered if he did it intentionally.

"You gonna stand there all day?" He asked casually as he closed the bottle, his eyes focused entirely on it.

"Depends. You done with that?" She gestured at his water as she approached him.

He tossed it at her and she caught it with ease, stopped to smirk at him momentarily, then quickly tipped her head back and repeated his earlier production. He smirked and enjoyed the game as he fantasized about pushing her to the ground and following the few escaping drops down her body.

She was wearing that ingenious little button up number which gave him ample time to watch each droplet roll down her chest and disappear under the fabric. He could almost taste her already. She smelled delightfully sticky and his mind couldn't help but flash back on all the pleased places he'd felt that particular effect as her slick skin pressed against his in the past.

He wondered idly if those few brave droplets of water stopped in the safety of the valley of her perfect breasts; or if just a few journeyed on to the flat and silky plane of her stomach.

He wouldn't have stopped at her breasts, he would have traced his tongue all the way to her toes, distracted by all her sweet spots. Teasing and tempting, until she moaned for more.

Kate let him seduce her with his heavy eyes, as they raked over her skin, for a moment more before she capped the bottle and tossed it back at him; causing him to jump in to action awkwardly or risk being hit in the head with the flying bottle.

"Thanks." She smiled and he rolled his eyes.

He tossed the bottle to the side and grabbed the ax again to chase all the lingering lust laden thoughts from his mind. She sat on a log and watched him chop wood for a bit. The tension between them refused to die down, it struggled silently to break free and ignite everything it touched.

He tried to ignore the way she distracted him, but her eyes on his back full of flame and feeling, smoky and seducing him even when he could not see them. All he really wanted to do was join her on the log for a nice, long, stress-relieving encounter he was sure would be enlightening, followed by holding her satisfied skin close while they talked about anything. Maybe sharing the mango he had in his pack and then slowly making love to her again.

Of course, he had to be to the cage in an hour and he wanted much longer with her. Then there was the part about her not being very happy with him when he pushed her away the next day. That wasn't even counting the likelihood of him screwing things up by knocking her up.

Circumstances just sucked all around.

She could tell he wanted her just as much as she wanted him by the prominent bulge in his jeans and she contemplated standing up and dragging him back to the log with her by his waistband, but only momentarily. He'd never go for it and she was here to make friends, not alienate. Even if a side trip to the inside of his jeans was tempting.

"You enjoying the show, Freckles?" He was in a rare mood today, her nickname didn't even sting. Maybe he was finally getting over it. Or maybe he was just sick of not having anyone to talk to. Whatever it was, he could tell she appreciated it. The smile on her face, hit her eyes again and she seemed unable to contain her joy.

He never realized how much it meant to her. He'd always assumed she'd just put up with it, but if her face was any indication, she'd missed it more than even she realized.

"I'm tired of fighting with you." She sobered as he turned to catch her eyes. This was the best shot she was going to get, and nothing hurt after the high he'd given her by using his nickname for her. He could probably rip her heart out and stomp on it and she wouldn't notice.

He'd called her Freckles. That alone, gave her hope.

Whatever was bothering him... Maybe it was gone. Maybe they could go back to normal. Maybe she could tell him about the baby. Maybe...

He felt like a the biggest prick in the world as he watched her hopes rise. Could see it in her goddamn eyes. He was going to break her heart, he couldn't live up to those dreams, he'd be certain to fall short. To disappoint. It's what he did. But at the same time, it was so fucking nice to have someone believe in him again. Still...

His thoughts reflected in his features and as he scowled Kate felt her hope start to crash.

"All I want is to be friends. I'm not asking for more. I'm just tired of not being able to even talk to you. Don't you miss me?..." She blurted out, felt her cheeks flame in embarrassment for the desperation in her voice.

All she wanted was friendship. Why did that sting, wasn't that what he wanted too?

Sighing, he dropped the ax and plopped down next to her. He was kidding himself by believing that. What he really wanted was a hell of a lot more than friends; a hell of a lot more than he could ever have.

"Of course I miss you" He turned to face her and saw she was still embarrassed by her words. "No one else blushes quite as pretty."

Or tangled his heart up so much. But he supposed that was one of those not so fun side effects of being in her presence. One of those things he'd have to learn to deal with, because he was a fool if he thought he could continue to live like this.

When they got off this island, he'd be royally screwed.

She felt as if an overwhelming burden had been lifted from her weary shoulders. Now, if she could get rid of the gnawing in her stomach, life could go back to normal. Or approach it anyway.

She smiled at him and he answered back before turning toward where his bag rested and pulled it to him.

"Wanna split a mango?" He asked as he dug in his bag and produced the fruit with a flourish.

She nodded and stifled a giggle. He was so random sometimes, and it felt so good to be here, not fighting, not avoiding each other. So refreshing and exactly what she'd been missing. Being with him made her happy, and it'd been a long time since she'd felt that with someone.

She could easily forget that being with him broke her heart too. Truth was often subjective, easily manipulated into the perception that fit the best for the moment.

Reaching into her pocket, she produced a knife and handed it over to Sawyer who focused his attention on cutting the fruit in half.

"You watching Ben tonight?" Kate asked casually as he handed her the knife.

"Yep. You gonna wait up again?" He held her mango until she'd put the knife away.

"I don't wait up." She argued without meaning as she took the fruit from him and gave him a raised eyebrow.

"Sure, Sugar." This had the potential to be dangerous ground, yet he was surprised to find that they both seemed to be on their best behavior. Regardless he thought a change of subject would be a good idea. He didn't want to think about her waiting up for him. She didn't want to admit she did. It was the same ground they'd been over so many times before, disguised in small talk it didn't sound any better.

She had a million unanswered questions for him. What had happened to him? Why had he pushed her away? Why was he welcoming her back now? Would he still be this easy going tomorrow? But what she really wanted to know was if he would accept her secret. Would he be happy about a baby, or would it ruin this truce?

Knowing that she could never ask him those questions and still expect to sit with him and share his fruit, she remained silent and tried to judge his mood. To see if it was as easily shifted as it had been in the past few weeks. She never quite knew when he was running hot or cold.

Those mercurial moods often had her had wits end in the past, and had hindered them more than once. It was best to settle into this new relationship before broaching the subject. Better yet to not have a baby hanging over them, but she wouldn't rule that option out until she knew how he felt about it.

He watched her eat her mango, nearly forgetting his for a moment.

"You gonna sit and watch me eat?" She teased with a smirk and he rolled his eyes in answer then bit into the mango. She giggled again and he felt the cold places inside of him warm to the sound.

He was beyond glad that she'd come out to find him. Nearing fucking fantastic.

A trail of juice from the over ripe fruit ran out of the corner of her mouth and she leaned over to avoid getting it on her pants. Her fingers already a sticky mess.

"Here." He reached over and wiped at the corner of her mouth with his finger. His tongue would have been more effective though, he thought.

"Thanks." She murmured, her cheeks pink, burning where he'd run his finger so gently across her skin. She'd missed his touch more than she'd thought.

They sat in silence again as she finished her mango and licked her fingers clean, causing Sawyer to turn away and choke back the small sounds of desire building in his throat. He focused all his attention on the last few bites of his mango to distract himself from temptation.

Kate didn't seem to notice Sawyer's discomfort as her eyes wandered over the clearing they sat in. Sawyer had chopped enough wood to last them for quite some time. She wasn't surprised, he'd spent enough time out here.

It sat stacked neatly to the side for easy pickup when it was needed. He typically brought an arm full back with him each night and Sayid would bring some with him as well, when he returned to camp for dinner each night.

When he found he could look at her again without wanting to jump her, Sawyer watched her, wondering just what was going through her mind. He didn't have to wait long as she broke the silence soon after.

"Looks like you've chopped enough wood to last us a few months at least." Translation: So this is what you've been doing when you're avoiding the beach.

"Looks like." He agreed, wiped his hands on his pants, and watched the side of her face unsurprised that she didn't turn to face him. He knew that she was trying to start a conversation, but he didn't feel much like dragging out the ugly things that sat between them.

Another part of him longed to clear the air between them completely. That would be the less cautious side however. Definitely not the side to be listening to.

"So... I guess Claire's probably glad to have some help with Aaron, what with Charlie gone and all..."

She knew it was stupid, but she had to know one way or another how he felt about having kids. Maybe she was a coward, but she wasn't about to ruin a good thing with the truth. It was ugly and got in the way, and she knew Sawyer would not be thrilled. He'd become all protective and push her away at the same time.

She'd been there and it wasn't a place she wanted to go back to. No, it was far better to read between the lines on this one. He'd never have to know, if he didn't want to.

Sawyer wasn't about to admit he enjoyed his time with Aaron. That he spent a lot of it thinking about a kid with her dark curls and how that might not be so bad.

Besides, all she wanted was friendship, and if she was pregnant already surely she'd tell him, she'd had three weeks to find out. If that was the case, he'd already know. They'd dodged the bullet with that one, and though he was a little sad, he knew it was better this way.

No, this was just small talk.

"Yeah. Tell you one thing though, it's a good thing I ain't the rugrat's nanny.

Charlie'll probably always be better at playing daddy."

It didn't mean he was opposed to trying though He hoped she got the message.

That was one of the biggest mistakes he'd ever make.

Kate's interpretation was quite simple.

He was relieved not to have to spend more time with Aaron. He didn't think he was equipped to do the job.

They really were perfect for each other, she thought bitterly. Neither one of them were well suited for the job.

Kate hated that she'd started to get attached to the idea. In the back of her mind she supposed she'd known all along. She supposed she shouldn't be disappointed.

She couldn't even tell him she cared about him. A baby would be jumping the gun.

Well, now she knew better.

"Yeah." Sawyer was surprised at her tone, and a bit confused. "Guess, it's good that... well." She smiled sadly, didn't finish her sentence. She'd let him believe what she hadn't said referred to the absence of life, not to the termination of life.

"Yeah." He grudgingly admitted, it still hurt like the first time he'd come to the realization. He was relieved that she was not disappointed in his answer, just upset that she couldn't give him the chance to try his hand at fatherhood.

Another assumption he probably shouldn't have made.

"Well, I suppose I should let you go. I'm sure Sayid's gonna wonder where you are." She smiled, added a little extra cheer to her voice.

"No rest for the weary." He was a little surprised to see that she carried so much sadness over the false hope, that finding out she wasn't going to die from carrying his child was so disappointing. She smiled now, but he could see it in her eyes.

He should have been there for her. Just another way he'd hurt her. It was a good thing they'd both agreed friendship was as far as they should take things. She didn't need anymore battle wounds, and he couldn't take those sad green eyes anymore.

She stood, brushed her hands on her pants and smiled down at him. He held out his hand for her and she took it, helped him to his feet and he loomed above her for one intense moment of indecision.

In a previous life he would have kissed her, and her heart beat wildly in false anticipation. Part of her wanted him to do just that, but a bigger part felt guilt. She didn't know why. She was just doing what had to be done, he would tell her the same thing. He wouldn't want to risk her life. She was only saving him heartache.

He wanted to draw her into his arms, bury his face in her hair and breath her in, kiss her brow and never let her go again. But that was not what she wanted or needed and there were some things that were better left unsaid, undone.

So somewhat awkwardly, she stepped back and offered him one last smile, then turned and left him in a different mood than she'd found him.

* * *

Kate wasted no time, she found Juliet in her tent.

"I'm doing this with or without you. I'm not waiting any longer. Sawyer doesn't want this either. We've talked." She stated as Juliet looked up from the book she was reading.

"I told you that until he tells me, I'm not doing anything." Juliet returned her attention to the book in her lap, ignoring Kate who stood with her hands clenched and her anger rising.

"I'll go to Jack. He'll do it." She growled, threatening.

Jack however, chose that moment to push the tarp aside and step into the tent with a bowl of fruit.

"I'll do what?" He questioned as he settled next to Juliet.

Juliet took a piece of fruit from the bowl, "Thank you." "You're welcome." She popped it in her mouth and chewed quickly as Kate sputtered and searched for the right words. Words that would be convincing enough to make him choose her side.

"Kate claims you'll help terminate her child." Juliet informed him and Jack frowned.

"Did Sawyer talk to you about it?" He asked Juliet.

Kate stood, stunned. It was quite obvious that this was a discussion they'd had before. Hell, she didn't need to be here at all, it was clear what Jack would decide. He already had. That bitch hadn't kept this to herself, she'd probably blurted it out to anybody with an interest.

To Jack: "It's my fucking decision!" To Juliet: "I can't believe you told him!"

"What did you expect me to do? You told me you'd go to him, I thought it only fair he be warned about it." Juliet spoke calmly then popped another piece of fruit. Kate wanted to grab the damn bowl and shove it down her throat.

"Congratulations Jack. You picked a real winner." Kate bit out as she turned and threw the tarp aside. Stomped off angry.

Jack followed her outside. "Kate, wait a minute." He grabbed her arm, but she jerked it away and ran, her eyes filling with angry tears.

"Kate... don't be stupid, stay..." He called after her but she continued running. "We can work this out..."

"Come on Jack, let her go." Juliet called softly from inside the tent. He stood and watched her for a minute more as she disappeared into the jungle, then turned to join Juliet on the ground.

"Where were we?" He smiled and leaned in to kiss Juliet.

"Not there, but that's nice too." Juliet smirked.

"You know, I think I might be falling for you." Jack murmured, tangled his fingers in her hair.

"The feeling might be mutual."

No one was very concerned about the man standing outside the tent who witnessed the entire scene.


	7. Jumping to Conclusions

**...what you build, you lay to waste...**

In Pieces- Linkin Park

* * *

Kate ran.

She supposed it was unavoidable. That he was right after all. She hadn't changed, he hadn't changed. The inevitable "they," had not changed either.

As bitter tears streamed down her cheeks and wind whipped her hair, as the sand disappeared from under her feet and the sun withdrew from her back, she ran. Her heart pounding, her lungs aching, she ran.

She had no destination, only the knowledge that she must keep moving. Stopping would only allow the fear and despair to catch her and sink its sharp teeth into her fractured heart. She could feel it nipping at her ankles.

Too happy. Too content. Too certain. Too much.

Too damn much.

Her feet slowed as her breath came in large gasps and her muscles began to protest.

She couldn't outrun this. She couldn't outrun anything. She was weak, they were weak and everything would fall apart simply because she touched it.

She had to know this was coming. Had to have sensed it from a mile away.

Acceptance was her only option. Accept that life would never be the same. Accept that she would die on this island or that her heart would be ripped from her on rescue, just as surely as they'd rip her child from her arms.

Accept that life would never be what she wanted and that to fight it was only prolonging the anger and fear. It was only making it worse.

So she stopped running.

Bent over, her hands on her knees as great gasps racked her body and her stomach turned in protest to the abuse. She wanted to cry but found that her eyes were dry and numb. Like her heart, growing bitter and cold in her chest.

When her breathing calmed, she sat where she stopped, in the middle of the trail, drew her knees up and locked her arms around them.

_I'm sorry. I'm sorry, so sorry._

For everything she'd done or had failed to do. For thinking she could outrun this problem too. For not acting sooner. For allowing everything to come to this.

For him and what she was going to do. Because she knew she was going to do it. There were no other options, her hands were tied, it was necessary.

And yet the justifications did nothing to speak peace to her mind. Her doubts and fears ran rampant and her feet ached to mimic the pace. So she held her legs tightly to her chest and willed herself to stay.

_I'm sorry. So sorry. Forgive me._

It played over and over in her head, as _it _caught up with her.

Jack would not help her, he would not listen to reason. He'd sold his soul to the devil he slept next to. One look at him had told her that, it only took until now, when she needed him the most, to accept it. To finally understand that there was no going back.

Lines had been drawn, her place had been filled, and that—not Juliet's betrayal, was what cut the most. The knowledge that Jack would not take her side, that he would not defend her choice...

She didn't want to go back, not really. She only wished he could be the friend he once was. She only longed for someone to talk to about her confusion and her fears. Foolishly she'd thought that Jack could be that person for her.

She didn't love him, yet she couldn't hate him either. She ached for what he had. The simple domestic bliss she'd stumbled on, the casual nature of their relationship, the way they touched so effortlessly and existed so peacefully, twisted her heart in knots.

What would she give to live so comfortably in her own skin, so in tune to another's needs? How many nights had she spent watching the ocean, wishing for the same thing, waiting for Sawyer?

It was her new past time, this game of Waiting for Sawyer. Waiting for him to talk to her. Waiting for him to tell her he wanted what they'd lost, or maybe never had. Waiting and Waiting... and hoping... hoping.

It was better than the alternative, the games she played when she was feeling particularly lonely. Imagine If... What Would it Be Like... And an all time favorite... Remember When...

_Remember when we made love in the dirt. Remember how it felt, how you loved me then. How those few precious hours seemed to make all the horrible and terrifying parts go away? What did I do wrong? Where have you gone? What happened?_

_What would it be like to share your bed every night? What would it be like to spend an afternoon in each other's arms, without the extra baggage, sure of the knowledge that nothing stood between us? What would it be like to surrender completely to you? Is that even possible? Could we ever..._

_Imagine if I could keep this baby. Imagine if you wanted it too. Imagine if nothing could tear us apart. Imagine if..._

They were toxic games, and they only ever ended in sadness, because in the end they all turned into Waiting for James or another chapter in Foolish Hopes and Impossible Dreams. The damage they did, left lingering marks—red angry welts on her soul. And sometimes she couldn't look at him for days afterward without the knowledge that something was missing from her.

So as she sat, she invented a new game. A game that would play a much larger, and more dangerous role; a heavy handed and poorly exercised excuse of a game. A game created by anger and pride; based on determined foolishness.

I Want and I Don't Care.

It was in this mind frame, this stubborn new turn of thinking, that Sun happened upon her.

"Kate? What are you doing out here?" Sun asked awkwardly as she stopped next to where Kate sat, blocking the path. Kate seemed calm and composed, yet Sun was curious as to why she'd choose the middle of the jungle, in the middle of the path to the caves to meditate.

"Nothing." She smiled and stood, brushed the dirt from her pants and turned to head back to camp. She'd stop by Sawyer's tent, she'd slip inside and wait for him.

This whole thing was ridiculous, she should have gone to him in the first place. Jack would do what she wanted him to do, she just had to give him some time. In time they'd see she was right. In the meantime, Sawyer would make her feel better. He'd take the emptiness away, he always had.

"What are you doing out here?" Kate asked.

Sun smiled, glad to see that Kate seemed fine. It was no secret that she'd been having problems lately, and it was hard to miss Sawyer's absence around the campfire at night, or his delayed rising in the mornings and the amount of wood he'd chopped was enough to last them for a couple of weeks. She felt bad for not stepping in sooner, but her own concerns troubled her and she found herself spending a lot more time with Aaron and with Jin.

"Thinking." She answered simply. In reality she'd escaped to the jungle to avoid Jin's questions. She still hadn't told him about the death thing and she had no intention of doing so. Jin, naturally curious about the concerned looks his wife seemed to be collecting, had been bothering her to tell him for weeks now and she was running out of excuses.

Kate wondered what was on Sun's mind. They hadn't had the opportunity to talk much recently. Or really she had been avoiding Sun. It was hard to look her friend in the eyes and not see the same pain mirrored in her features.

It occurred to Kate, that Sun too was simply waiting. Waiting for Rescue. Waiting for Death. Waiting... So much of their time here was spent suspended between two realities. Life before. Life after. She often wished that they could stop living in the suspension. Why could it never just be life? Why must a qualifier always be added?

"Are you scared?" The question popped out before she'd had time to think it through. Of course she'd be afraid, the one thing she wanted, would kill her. Kate couldn't help but feel sympathy for her. Jin and Sun had wanted their child. They were happy with it. Unlike her situation, Kate realized that the weight on Sun's shoulders must have been heavy indeed.

"I was. Now... Jin and I... Well, it's too late to change things. We can only hope for rescue now. Are you scared, Kate?" Kate froze for a heartbeat. Sun didn't know, she couldn't know. Juliet wouldn't have told Sun. She had no reason to tell Sun.

_Yes! Terrified._

"No. What would I have to be afraid of?" She played it off as casually as she could, and then thinking better of it, hurried down the path. One thought only: Escape.

"Of going back." Sun seemed confused. Kate relaxed and slowed her pace; Sun caught up quickly.

"I'm not afraid of going back..." She lied, unconvincingly, but Sun seemed to accept it. "Sun, if we don't get rescued... will you... I mean the baby... Juliet can..." Kate stopped, her hand on Sun's arm.

"No. Jin and I want this... If I didn't I would have ended it earlier, I don't need Juliet for that. If we don't get rescued, I'm willing to pay the consequences."

A look of confusion passed over Kate's features, her forehead wrinkled and her head tilted slightly to the side as she tried to puzzle out what Sun had meant. Why she didn't need Juliet for that.

"That plant... over there..." Sun smiled and pointed at Kate's confusion. "When prepared the right way it can assist in terminating a pregnancy. If I'd wanted to end this, I could have done so. But it's dangerous, and isn't always reliable, not that that matters, it's too late now anyway. No Kate, my fate is tied to that of my child's."

Kate's eyes had locked on the plant Sun pointed to, the urge to go and pluck it from the ground, to beg Sun to help her drown out the words of warning that Sun offered.

Her mind set on one thing. She had her method. She had her answer and Jack and Juliet didn't need to be involved at all. Now if she could just figure out how to get Sun to tell her how to do it, without giving away too much.

"Too late?" She questioned innocently enough, and Sun preoccupied by her own pregnancy and it's possible consequences, answered her without thought.

"Herbal remedies are only effective before the fifth week." Sun smiled weakly.

"And now it's too late... Did you think about it, I mean when you first found out?" She figured that if she could get Sun to talk about it, maybe she'd offer the information voluntarily. Her mind was so set on discovering how to end her pregnancy that she heard almost none of what Sun said, only gleaming the parts she found necessary, quickly dismissing the danger and the fact that she too was now past or very nearly past her fifth week.

"Maybe..." Sun hesitated, and tried to read Kate. Something was not right. "Why do you want to know?"

Kate sighed, she'd hoped that this would be easier.

"In case I need to know." She turned her head away and practiced looking dejected. It wasn't hard. She hated manipulating Sun, but she couldn't tell her the truth. Sun would tell Sawyer, even if she begged her not to. She knew this instinctively.

"Kate... are you pregnant?" There was a sad little light in her eyes, almost as if she hoped to have someone to share her fears with, even knowing that it meant death.

"No... but it could happen and I want to be prepared if it does." Sun's face fell a little and Kate hated herself a little more for lying. For taking away that small sliver of light. For being a manipulative bitch. For being herself.

"Juliet can help you with that. You don't need to resort to that." Sun sighed and started off down the path again.

"I don't trust Juliet. Sun... please. We both know what would happen to any kid of mine."

Sun turned around to face Kate again. She stood for a moment, as if weighing her options. As if she didn't trust Kate with that kind of knowledge.

Kate smiled and her hesitation fled.

"You'd take it as a tea, but Kate promise me that if that happens... if you need that... you'll come to me. You may not trust Juliet, but you can trust me and I'd feel much better knowing you weren't off in the jungle experimenting. It's dangerous." Sun cautioned.

So was pregnancy. The lie came easily.

"Of course." Sun relaxed visibly. "Let's get back to the beach, I'm sure everyone is gathering for dinner." Kate smiled again and took Sun's arm to propel her back to the beach.

They walked silent for a moment before Sun broke the silence.

"And I think you're wrong about what would happen to your child. Sawyer wouldn't allow that."

Kate hid her pain with a smile.

"Yeah..." She drifted off. "You're probably right." Sun easily mistook her pain for the drifting of someone hopelessly in love. Head over heels... and maybe it wasn't a mistake.

"...yeah." Kate repeated as a chill ran down her spine.

She started a new game.

I Wish...

* * *

Sawyer watched her run off into the jungle. He stood outside of Jack's tent as Jack called after her, then disappointed, disappeared back into the tent.

He'd thought...

And he come back to...

And she'd...

And now...

The dull ache, so constant now, turned into a sharp pain.

She'd run back to Jack.

She'd told _him_ that she wanted to be friends... and then she'd run to Jack.

Was she completely stupid? Did she hate herself that much?

She had to know Jack wasn't going to welcome her back with open arms. He was with Juliet and he probably viewed her with a little more distaste now that she'd been with _him_.

And he was just as much a fool as she. He'd actually thought she'd given up on Jack.

He'd actually thought they'd had a chance.

That she was done pining and playing the two of them against each other. That she was finally ready for a more mature relationship, and that she'd wanted it with him.

Even though she'd told him not twenty minutes earlier, that all she'd wanted was to be friends.

He'd sworn that was a lie, a bluff to get back into his good graces, so he'd come back. For Christ's sake, he'd come back to tell her he wanted her. He'd come back to tell her it didn't matter if she was pregnant with an entire litter, he wanted her back.

Now...

Well maybe he'd always known. Maybe in the back of his mind he was just waiting for this final betrayal. Maybe that was why he pushed her so hard. Not because of what he was, but because of what she was.

He'd told her once that people didn't change. He'd believed it then and he still believed it now, regrettably. Now he had proof, and it tasted bitter and left an empty pit in his stomach. First with his murderous actions and now with her running back to Jack.

He didn't know which betrayal hurt worse.

So as he watched her run away again, his feet glued to the sand, his body stiff with tension and his heart bleeding in his chest, he was somewhat unsurprised at her actions and more than mildly annoyed that he'd let it get to this point.

He was furious.

After the shock wore off, all he wanted to do was to rip Jack a new one. He could feel the violence building in him, simmering to the surface, waiting to explode. He could almost feel his hands around Jack's neck... around _her_ neck.

Her pretty, manipulative neck.

He wanted to yell at her, shake her until she felt what she'd done. The pain she'd caused. The pain he'd let her cause.

Never again, he vowed. Never again.

He may be a monster, but he was not going to allow her the privilege of setting him off. He was not going to let her help him off that cliff. He'd done enough cliff diving with her to last ten lifetimes.

And if she wanted Jack it was probably for the best anyway. Hadn't he come ready to hand her his heart again, only to want to rip her head off.

No, people didn't change. She didn't and he couldn't.

He had to stop believing that hope that told him otherwise.

It was painfully obvious by the scene he'd just witnessed.

It was also painfully obvious that as Sawyer trudged away, he didn't hear Juliet's laughter from within the tent; he stood too far away and the wind carried the sound in the other direction.

So Sawyer continued the game he's started unwittingly earlier that day; the one that would tear at them for much longer than he'd imagine.

It was called...

Assume.


	8. I can't live without you

**"I see the blood all over your hands. Does it make you feel more like a man?"**

Always--Saliva

* * *

Kate made her way to Sawyer's tent after parting company with Sun. He probably wouldn't be back until much later, if he stuck to his newly established routine, but she was tired and wanted to get some rest before he came back. She knew it would be much easier to do that in the privacy of his tent, with his calming presence lingering in the blankets on his bed, rather than her pathetic excuse for a shelter and its open walls and sterile salty blankets. She also didn't want to miss his return. It was likely that she'd fall asleep and not wake until morning, if she was in his bed however, he would have to wake her or share the space with her.

She imagined he'd come back tired, kick his shoes off and toss his shirt in the corner then slide in next to her. Pull her to his chest and bury his nose in her hair but either result was perfectly fine with her. Her inability to share the same bed with him previously, seemed irrelevant. After all they'd been through in the last few weeks she found herself increasingly angry with the actions she'd taken in the past to prevent him from becoming closer to her and her refusal to open up to him.

She'd been damned foolish to insist on sleeping in separate tents, she could see that now that she couldn't recall one good reason for her actions. All the time that had been wasted, all the hours she could have felt that safety his arms offered. Fear made that decision, a fear that she didn't quite understand. What was she so afraid of?

Besides the inevitable heartbreak of course. But even that dulled in the absence. And she wasn't fool enough to think she had no part in this arrangement. If she'd given a little more, maybe the heartache wouldn't have been so inevitable. Regardless, she wasn't going to make that mistake twice, she wouldn't let fear make her choices for her anymore. She wasn't running away, she was accepting and moving on.

She was sick and tired of running into that brick wall around her future. She'd tear it down brick by brick, memory by memory, fear by fear, if she had to, but she wasn't going to let it keep her from having more anymore.

When she arrived at Sawyer's tent however, she found herself eating those words. He was waiting and none too happy either.

"Go away." He barked as she pulled the tarp aside and froze, her back stiff with uncertainty, surprised to see him. More surprised at his obvious anger. He refused to make eye contact with her, sat on his cot and stewed instead.

"What?" She questioned as she stepped inside and sat at his feet, kneeling next to him in the sand. She placed her hands gently on his thigh but he stood quickly and moved as far from her as the tent would allow, pretended to look through a suitcase for something. Anything to keep her from seeing what was so clearly written on his face, to keep her hands off of him.

After taking a moment to reflect on it all, he'd decided that distance would solve this problem better than anger. She'd be gone soon anyway and with nothing to tie her to him, there was no point in dragging it out. He'd just as likely kill her if she decided to get into another spat with him. The scene she shared with Jack still boiled in his veins, and until he could forget how it made him feel—betrayed and empty, talking about it would be a mistake.

He almost couldn't believe that she'd come to him. Almost. But then that was just like her, manipulative, running to the other man. How many times had they been here, how many times had he played emotional band aid for Jack's wounds?

He didn't want to think about how many times Jack had done the same. It made his stomach sink.

She shifted in the sand, came to her feet and hesitantly started toward him again, fighting the instinct to go to him, to hold him and tell him that whatever it was, it would be okay.

"I said, 'Go Away.' Sumpthin wrong with yer ears, Sugar?" He bit back when he heard her rise and start toward him. He didn't trust himself around her, one smile always made it alright for him to give in and this time he couldn't give in.

She couldn't help but flinch at his tone as she reflected on the way he'd used that term of endearment earlier, how happy it had made her. The contrast was painfully obvious. There was no doubt in her mind, he wanted to hurt her, he wanted her to remember.

And she had no idea what she'd done to deserve his sudden change in mood, no clue what the hell she was supposed to remember. She didn't deserve to be his punching bag.

"I heard _what_ you said." She snapped, her anger getting the better of her. He turned around with a cruel smile, his intent clearly displayed in his eyes.

"Then what are you doing still sittin' there?" His lips curled in a spiteful snarl.

"Wondering what the hell crawled up your ass and died!" She rushed toward him, crowded him but made certain not to touch him. She was not about to give him any opportunity to turn this around until she had it out of him.

"I think you know exactly what's going on, Freckles." His voice cool and even, he looked away as she flinched. She looked away and tried to pretend he didn't trample all over her heart with the misuse of the nickname she'd grown rather fond of, knowing however that he could not have missed her surprise or her cringe.

Only missed the earth shattering sound of her heart breaking.

She didn't understand how he could be so kind and gentle with her one minute and then a complete stranger the next. How he could run from warm to cold, from calm to furious in the blink of an eye. How they could be so cruel to each other when they felt so much. And she knew he did feel... he i_had/i_ to.

He hated himself for hurting her, even in his righteous anger, he hated that he'd struck so low. The pain in her eyes he didn't need to look for, he knew it was there and he knew he'd caused it, and it made him sick so he'd turned away like a coward. But his passions ran just under the skin, when she cut him they bled messily all over the damn place and sometimes he couldn't control the overflow. Which only irritated him more.

"Go away." He tried again, and she almost turned to leave, but found that his voice couldn't not hide the pain that ate at him and that her feet would not turn from him. Not now. This wasn't her fault, she rationalized. Whatever misdeed he imagined, she had not done.

He didn't know about the baby, he didn't know about Jack and Juliet's refusal to help. He didn't know anything that would make him so angry. What he thought he knew had to be wrong.

"Please tell me." She whispered, laid a hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged it off. Even when he was pissed as hell at her he still felt like a dick. That just wasn't right. So he dug deep and buried what he could, tried to focus on his anger, her betrayal, which she seemed intent on denying.

He couldn't believe she didn't know, or that she wouldn't admit it. That she'd stand there and play like she cared that she'd ripped his heart out. That she could hold it in her fucking hand and watch as he bled to death.

He couldn't believe he'd been so wrong about her, and that was what hurt the most he finally decided.

"I was wrong," he mumbled before coming to his feet and pushing past her. He kept his back to her for as long as possible, he couldn't face that look he knew was plastered across her face. That lying look of confusion she'd gotten too good at.

"About what!" She snapped, exasperated and running in circles. She regretted her tone as soon as she'd closed her mouth around the words, but it was too late to take it back now. He spun around with fire in his eyes, his meaning perfectly clear.

"You!"

For a moment it felt as if the world had fallen out from under her. Like the sun had stopped shining, the earth had stopped turning, and everything she'd ever known had become a lie.

She thought that losing Jack's friendship was bad, that it had left her so disoriented she couldn't possibly recover.

In that moment, she knew just how horribly wrong she was.

Somehow, when she wasn't looking, she'd learned to lean on him. Learned to depend on him. To look to him for answers. To assume he'd always want her, love her, protect her.

And with one word, one heartbreaking word, her illusion had been shattered and she felt as if she too shared the same fate, as if pieces of her very being had scattered to the far ends of the world and that she would never be able to find them again.

She stood speechless before him, for once in her life unable to come up with a cutting remark. Nothing to level the playing field.

Nothing.

She felt nothing.

Heard nothing.

Was nothing.

He simply turned his head in disgust.

"Git outta here." He murmured again and this time her feet blindly obeyed.

He felt possessed, like some evil force had taken over and broke her in a million pieces as he stared helplessly, and perhaps a bit too unfeeling at the show.

"Guess it's a good thing you ain't pregnant. I can only imagine what we'd do to it."

And in that moment it was final. Any doubts or fears fled as the cold hard truth set in.

They'd destroy it, like they destroyed each other, like they destroyed every good thing that came their way.

So she found herself walking away, not running this time. She swore she wouldn't run and this time it wasn't about running, it was about facing what had to be faced. She'd put it off far too long. It was time to wrap up this last loose end so she could close the door on them as well.

She couldn't do this again. Not with him. Doubted she'd ever heal enough to trust anyone like that again anyway.

He watched her walk away for a moment, then turned and grabbed the book sitting on the makeshift table by his bed. He threw it against the wall of the tent and then turned the table over.

"Goddamn fucking bitch." He kicked a suitcase, drove his fist into the pole holding his tent up.

If he thought he'd hated her before, it was nothing compared to the vile feelings rising inside of him. The self loathing, the sickening lump of disgust that turned in his stomach. The violence, and the urge to kick and scream and fight until his knuckles bled and his throat ached.

That had gone anything but well. But then again, it had gone almost exactly has he'd hoped it would.

He was so torn over the whole thing. This was what he'd wanted? What he needed? What she needed? So why did he wish he was dead rather than feeling like this? Why didn't she yell at him, why didn't she slap him and tell him what an asshole he was? Was her silence as telling as her words would have been?

Why was that so damn upsetting?

Why did he want to run after her and take it all back?

Why did another part of him feel satisfied, justified, right? Like he'd proved his point, even if he couldn't remember what that point was.

He was a fucking mess, so he picked up his bag and left his tent intent on leaving the ugliness, the uncomfortable feelings, in the tent without him. He'd go visit Ben, direct his anger toward someone who wouldn't make him feel guilty for it.

* * *

She found the plant easily, it was right where they left it.

Like it was going to get up and move.

She chuckled dryly for a moment, then sunk to the ground and ripped it from the ground as tears fell and her body shook in despair.

An idiot. He wasn't going to pull her to him and tell her he was wrong. He wouldn't tell her he was sorry. He wouldn't tell her he loved her. And he wouldn't tell her that he wanted her, or their baby. Yet she'd been dumb enough to hope for just that.

She pulled the leaves off violently.

Like a twisted game of 'he loves me, he loves me not,' the leaves falling in a pile in front of her knees.

_He hates me._

_He never loved me._

_You're an idiot._

_You don't deserve him._

_He doesn't deserve you._

_Just do it and get it over with._

Wiping furiously at her eyes, mud streaking her cheek from the action, she stood quickly and began clearing a spot for a fire. Sun said a tea, so she'd make a damn tea and she'd end this uncertainty and chaos.

How could she have been so wrong about him, she questioned as she gathered grass and twigs. How could she have trusted him, she cried as she built a fire. How was she going to forget all of this, she worried as she found three longer sticks and stuck them in the ground to form a tepee.

And what a long and horrible day it was turning out to be, she was glad it was almost over.

One by one Kate dropped the leaves she'd plucked into her water bottle, grabbed some wire from her bag and tied the bottle to the three sticks. She sat back for a moment and watched the bottle, suspended over the fire.

A watched pot never boils, she smirked. Her mother used to say that. When Wayne would mess her up, she'd collapse in on herself and boil water for hot chocolate, like the sugar could erase the horror Kate had witnessed, or erase the dark blue spots, clean the blood from her mother's split lip.

To this day, Kate hated hot chocolate. And she always watched, always remembered.

She'd vowed not to become like that, like her mother, and here she was watching water boil and thinking about all the things she'd sworn not to do.

She wondered what went through her mother's mind. If she blamed herself, if she foolishly thought it wouldn't happen again. If she justified his actions.

Had she stood there and blamed Wayne's mood on something else? _It's not me, something has been bothering him for awhile now. He has no reason to be angry with me. _Had she rationalized?_ It wasn't like things could get much worse between them. _Or maybe it was all she thought she deserved.

Kate didn't want what she deserved, supposed that no one really did. If the universe played with a firm set of rules, punishment for each sin drawn from a list of pain and suffering, rewards could never even it out. The small little joys would crumble under the weight of knowing it was impossible to get ahead.

She didn't want to live in that kind of world... but maybe she did. Maybe she told herself he loved her, maybe she almost believed it because she knew it would end like this, sitting in the dirt as the sky darkened into dusk watching her future boil in a water bottle. Maybe she hung herself over the flames, because that was what she deserved and that's how she'd always define her life.

What did it matter anyway, all good things must come to an end.

Kate pulled the bottle from the fire.

She made her bed and now she'd have to sleep in it.

Removed the cap.

Better late than never.

She wished he was here, that he knew, that she didn't have to hide this. That he loved her.

Better safe than sorry.

She tipped the bottle back and drank the foul liquid. It burned her tongue and throat on the way down and she nearly spit it out.

Was it pathetic to wonder where he was, what he was doing? Did he regret his earlier words?

She slowly drank the rest of the liquid as the stars came out. It made her stomach hurt, and she felt a little queasy. Dizzy as well. And there was a strange ringing in her ears.

It was done now. If this didn't work, then there were no other options. One way or another, someone wasn't coming out of this alive. She could almost imagine the life in her struggling to continue, almost wished that she could die instead. But the life they'd created wasn't meant to be.

"I'm sorry." She placed her hands on her stomach for a moment as she voiced the words. "I wanted to love you. If there was any way..." Her eyes watered once more and she watched as a few tears slipped out and landed on the cotton of her shirt.

"I'll never forget this. I swear." She finished the last of the strange brew. It felt thick and suffocating.

The wind chilled her and she wrapped her arms around herself a little tighter, scooted closer to the flames. Her heart was racing but she was growing so tired...

As the sky darkened she curled on her side and watched the flames dance for what seemed like only a moment, but her body ached like she'd been in the same position for hours.

Maybe if she closed her eyes... What was she doing out here anyway? Had to get back to camp it was getting dark. How long had she been out here?

It was dark now... it had been for awhile hadn't it? Wasn't it just light?

Her eyes wandered back to the flames and she blinked back her sleepiness. Maybe she'd spend the night out here by the fire.

Was this how it was supposed to work?

Something told her that if she closed her eyes, she'd never open them again. It didn't feel right. Why couldn't she concentrate on making herself get up? The ground was hard and it was cold and she had to get up.

She had to get up. Had to talk to Jack. Had to tell Sawyer.

Sawyer. He'd save her. He loved her. Had to hang on for him.

She pulled herself to her feet slowly as if her limbs weighed far too much, and quickly lost what was left in her stomach. Hit the ground hard as she fell to her knees again and swayed, nearly toppled over.

Something was wrong.

Kate closed her eyes and did not open them again.

As darkness stole her last moments, she realized that no one knew where she was.


	9. Defying Death

**You've one life. You've one life. You've one life left to lead... What direction? What direction? What direction now?**

**Faust, Midas, and Myself**-- Switchfoot

* * *

It was getting late and he hadn't been able to find Kate. After she'd run out on him she'd headed toward the jungle and Jack worried that she still hadn't come back, so he decided to go find her himself. They needed to talk this over. He was sure he could talk Kate out of whatever she had planned, even if he wasn't sure that trying to keep the child was a good idea.

Still when offered the alternative, it seemed like the best way to go for now. Juliet had been very clear when she told him what had happened with all the other women who'd tried to terminate. It didn't sound like a very pleasant way to die and he wasn't too keen on the idea of adding Kate's name to that list either, but their would-be rescuers had yet to show, if it came down to it she wouldn't have any other option.

So he found himself hiking the jungle as the stars came out, an incredibly stupid idea, but one he found he had no choice in. He couldn't leave her out there, and it was certain that she was still out there. She wasn't at the beach, and she wasn't with Sawyer or Sayid, he'd almost gotten his head bitten off for asking there.

Jack wished that Sawyer and Kate would get over whatever it was that was between them so that the rest of the camp could get some peace. The pair of them were all corners and sharp points. It was impossible to know what would set them off and it was more than irritating to have to tiptoe around them.

"Jack, wait up." Hurley called out and Jack rolled his eyes.

"What is it?" He asked, irritated that he had to waste yet more time. This nagging pull inside kept telling him it was important to find her. He figured it was probably because he knew she'd do something stupid if he didn't stop her. It wasn't like her to just disappear and not tell anyone where she was going. Of course she had been growing less responsible since the trouble with Sawyer had started up.

"I want to go with you." Hurley explained.

Of course he did. Jack tried not to show his impatience as he agreed. It was no use in arguing with him, Hurley would trail him anyway, and Jack didn't want to have to hunt down another person.

"Fine."

The two of them walked in silence for a bit before Hurley turned to him and tried to start a conversation.

"So... You and Juliet huh?" Jack laughed.

"Yeah. Me and Juliet."

"What's she like dude? I mean she's totally hot and all but-"

"Hurley." Jack interrupted Hurley's hand gestures. "She's great and that's all I'm telling you."

"Ah come on man." Jack continued to chuckle at Hurley's expression.

"No."

"Sawyer's right. You're no fun dude."

"I can't believe you're..." Jack stopped, his eyes on something in the distance. Hurley turned his head toward what Jack was looking at.

"A fire? Dude, maybe we should go back. " Hurley hesitated.

"No." Jack shook his head and started down the trail again, at a much faster pace. "It could be Kate."

It didn't take him long to see who was lying beside the fire.

"Kate." Jack called out as he reached her and dropped to his knees. When she didn't respond he shook her. "Kate."

She was so still and pale. His fingers found her pulse and the fear in the pit of his stomach grew. Thready and erratic.

"Hurley! Go back. Get Juliet."

"What's wrong with her?" Hurley asked as he skidded to a stop next to them.

"NOW!" Jack yelled and Hurley nodded then took off. He only hoped that Hurley would be fast enough.

"Come on Kate. What happened? What did you do?" Jack's eyes scanned the area for any clue. A sickly smell, unmistakable to his nose, rose from the ground next to her, but he knew she'd been suffering from some typical symptoms of pregnancy, morning sickness being one of them. There was a pile of shredded plant leaves and an empty water bottle, but nothing out of place. Nothing to indicate why she was laying here unresponsive, her pulse weak.

He feared it had something to do with the baby. What if she was losing the child? What if it was killing her?

He pulled her head into his lap and brushed her hair from her face, checking her temperature in the process.

Where the hell was Juliet!

"Jack!" He heard her call in answer to his unasked question, what seemed like hours later but was probably only minutes. Juliet had wandered into the woods herself in search of Jack and Hurley and it hadn't taken Hurley long to stumble across her.

"Over here!" Juliet rushed up to the two of them and joined Jack, her hands quickly flying to Kate's neck.

"What happened?" She demanded.

"I don't know. I think it's the baby." Jack answered as Juliet scanned the area.

"Baby?" Hurley questioned.

"It's too early for that. I don't think that's the problem." Juliet rose from her position and moved over to the pile of leaves and the empty water bottle.

"Baby?" Hurley repeated.

"Shit! This is... Damn it!" Juliet swore as her eyes caught hold of a plant growing just along the path next to them, the stripped plant next to it that looked almost exactly the same.

"What is it?" Jack asked.

"What baby!" Hurley demanded.

"Shut up, Hurley!!" They both turned to him and yelled at the same time. Hurley backed away from the group half a step and nodded.

"This plant." Juliet held up a leaf from the pile by the fire. "Is often mistaken for this one." She pulled a leaf from the untouched plant.

"This one." She held up the second leaf. "Can help terminate a pregnancy."

"But she didn't take that one." Jack interrupted.

"No... she took the other one." Juliet clenched her fist around the leaves and then threw them. "It's toxic. Damn her. We've got to get her to the medical station near here. She's damn lucky you found her. Even now it still might be too late."

Jack turned back to Kate and scooped her up.

"Lead the way." Jack barked out.

* * *

Hours later, Juliet washed the blood from her hands and sighed as Kate rested on the table behind her, they hadn't even had time to grab gloves. Jack stood with his back to her and watched Kate sleep, finally out of danger.

After they'd treated her for the poison a new twist developed. One that had kept the two of them on their toes and at their wits end for nearly six hours. Kate's body, exhausted and near death, had rejected the baby in her womb. She'd accomplished the goal she'd been hellbent on and had lived through it.

Miraculously.

Juliet didn't think anyone could bleed that much and still live, it defied everything she'd ever been taught and she'd been ready to give up, when Kate had turned the corner. That had been three hours ago and she seemed to improve by the minute.

It had been touch and go and Juliet had been more than ready to add another death to her list. Before she'd been resigned, now she was angry.

What the hell had Kate been thinking?

"How did you know?" Jack asked, as he turned to face Juliet, joined her at the sink and washed the blood from his hands as well.

"I've seen it before. Her name was Anna and she didn't want the baby, or more accurately didn't want to die for it. She did it in the privacy of her own home, and no one found her until it was too late. She used the right plant though, followed the accepted procedure and bled to death when she lost the baby. Hemorrhaging is a common problem here, a lot of mothers die from blood loss for no reason. I should have realized the risk with Kate especially after the poison. Anyway, Ben was... Well he wasn't happy about it." Juliet wiped her hands on a towel and Jack slid up behind her, wrapped his arms around her and dried his hands as well.

"I saw the leaves, the empty water bottle and put two and two together. It's not surprising really. Did we think she wouldn't try and take matters into her own hands? God Jack, if I'd just agreed..."

"Don't." He ordered and put his hands on her waist, turned her to face him. "She did this. Not you. Kate is... well it doesn't matter now. You saved her anyway. It's over."

"I suppose. We'll have to monitor her for a day or so, even then I don't want her sleeping in that excuse for a tent for a few days. She shouldn't be alive." Juliet cast a look over her shoulder at their patient again.

"She wasn't for a little bit there. I still don't understand how she is." He paused. "She can stay here for awhile." He then suggested. Juliet chuckled then turned back to him with a raised eyebrow.

"You think she's going to agree to that?" Jack sighed..

"You're right. She'll wait until we turn our back and be halfway back to the beach. I'll give up my place, she can sleep there until she's ready to move back out. That way you'll be there to keep an eye on her." He offered and Juliet leaned up and kissed him quickly on the lips.

"She doesn't trust me. If you want someone to watch her, it's going to be you. She'll recover faster if she's not waiting for me to kill her in her sleep. And after this stunt I'm not sure I'm altogether against that idea." Juliet wrapped her arms around his neck and Jack stepped closer to her.

"You and me both. Alright..."

Kate stirred on the table, it was cold and uncomfortable. Her head was pounding and her throat was dry. Pain radiated through her, but her mind was fuzzy still and she couldn't trace its origin. She was aware of little, the hum of voices and the cold of the table, but her eyelids felt like lead weights and she drifted on the edge of consciousness for a few moments more.

"...It's not going to paint a pretty picture. Sawyer will be anything but pleased..." Kate opened her eyes and took in her surroundings. "...I think we need to tell him what happened. Maybe he'll save us the trouble and take her off our hands." Jack's fingers slid under Juliet's shirt and wrapped around her waist, playing with her soft skin as he rested his forehead against hers.

"No! You can't tell him." Kate cried out and tried to come to her feet as everything came rushing back. Jack broke away and gently pushed Kate back down, though his actions were unnecessary as she nearly fell back to the table with the effort.

"Calm down. You're lucky to be alive. He deserves to know." She sighed at Jack's expression, he didn't have a clue what was going on. Who was he to make those decisions? They were hers.

"I need to be the one to tell him." She lied easily. If they thought she'd tell him, then they would back off on the idea themselves and it was obvious from the way Juliet hovered and the anxious expression in Jack's eyes, that neither one of them really wanted to deliver the news.

"Yes, you do." Juliet agreed and placed a hand on Jack's elbow, he backed out of Kate's face and his expression softened.

"How are you feeling?" Juliet asked as she stepped in front of Jack.

"Like hell."

"That's what happens when you try to kill yourself." Jack threw out flippantly. Juliet glared at him for a moment and he stepped back. Something about Kate always brought out the worst in him so he decided it was best if he distanced himself from the conversation. Instead he pulled the satellite phone from his pocket and fiddled with it over in the corner while the two women talked.

"I wasn't trying to kill myself." Kate murmured, her head turned away from them.

"We know." Juliet offered, placed a hand on Kate's where it rested on her stomach.

"Did it... Am I..."

"The stress was too much for the baby. You flat lined twice. It took everything we had to save you. I'm sorry."

It was strange. The emptiness that seemed to swallow her heart now that it couldn't be taken back. How she could feel like something was missing when she'd barely learned that something was there. So unnoticeable, so tiny, odd that its absence should cause such a large hole.

She hadn't known what she would feel after, but this was not what she was expecting. The relief seemed outweighed by a new fear, a new burden. Before, she didn't want Sawyer to find out because she was afraid he'd be unhappy with the development, that she'd become some kind of burden he'd take on because he felt it was his fault. Now, he couldn't know. There was no other way around it.

If he found out...

She'd been so sure, why was she now terrified of how he'd take the news?

Why did it matter? He as much as told her he hated her and had no interest in any kind of relationship with her. If he found out, he'd just think himself justified. Maybe he was right about her after all.

Kate shuddered at the thought. The last thing in the word she wanted, was for Sawyer to think he was justified in his treatment, or that she was who he'd painted her as.

"Are you alright? Cold?" Juliet asked. "Jack, toss me that blanket."

"A little." Kate admitted then let Juliet tuck the blanket around her.

They both just needed some time to cool down. Sawyer was probably already regretting his tone. Yeah, time would be best. Besides, she was too damn tired to think about it now anyway. She nearly died, which was something she was sure wasn't supposed to happen, she'd have to talk to Juliet about it later.

Anyway, after everything else that happened, she deserved some rest. He'd just have to wait.

"Better?" Juliet questioned.

"Mmmm."

Jack watched Kate drift back to sleep and Juliet backed away from the table.

"So, what do you think?" She questioned. Jack sighed.

"I think, she's the least of our problems. Look.." He showed her the phone. Or more accurately, the flashing battery sign in the corner. "It's dying."

Juliet chuckled, "Seems to be a theme, and why am I not surprised?" She finished with a sigh.

"We're lucky it lasted this long."Jack powered down the phone and stuck it in his back pocket. "We knew this would happen sooner or later." He gave her a sideways smile, his lips twisting ironically.

"There might be something back at camp Sayid can use to fix it." Juliet offered hopefully.

"If there isn't, I'm sure there is something somewhere on this island." Jack pulled her toward him and she settled into his chest, let her head rest on his shoulder as exhaustion threatened. They were running close to thirty some odd hours with no sleep and it was catching up.

"You should get some sleep, while she is." Jack murmured and placed a kiss on her forehead as his eyes rested on Kate.

"When are you going to sleep?" Juliet asked, her eyes heavy, her mind drifting.

"We'll take shifts. I think she's over the worst of it."

"Mmmmhmmm." He smiled as she swayed on her feet. Pulled her in tighter for a moment then released her.

"Come on." He grabbed her hand and tugged her toward the door.

"My hero." She mocked him and he poked her in the side, a teasing frown on his face. She chuckled and his frown turned up at the corners.

"Go to bed." He dismissed her and she left the room with a smile. He rolled his eyes and pulled a chair up next to Kate.

He'd let her sleep for as long as she needed. She deserved it, she saved Kate's life. He had no doubts that if not for Juliet's intervention, Kate would not be sleeping peacefully next to him. Juliet constantly surprised him, and he couldn't say the same for Kate.

He could always count on her to disappoint him.

And now this nonsense with Sawyer. He couldn't say he hadn't seen it coming. The two of them were completely inept when it came to relationships. But he'd keep her secret for her for now. If Sawyer didn't ask he wouldn't go out of his way to tell, but if he asked, Jack wasn't going to lie to him either.

Jack shifted in his chair, settled in a more comfortable position.

He hoped Kate wouldn't wake up until Juliet had taken his place.


	10. The Truth

**"Hope dangles on a string, like slow spinning redemption, winding in and winding out. The shine of it has caught my eye, and roped me in. So, mesmerizing, so hypnotizing, I am captivated..."**

Vindicated-- Dashboard Confessional

* * *

"...we should go back to the Other's settlement. They will have something I can use to charge the battery." Sayid suggested. He stood next to Jack about a hundred yards from the cage he was guarding, where Ben sat trying to look like he wasn't interested in the hushed tones of the conversation they shared. Jack caught Ben's eye for a split second then took a step back, Sayid followed his example.

When Juliet had woken up she'd taken Jack's place next to Kate and told Jack to get some sleep. He had thanked her for her concern but had left to discuss their current dilemma with Sayid instead. Sayid had been sitting in his usual spot next to Ben's cage and had seemed glad for the company. Jack could only imagine how boring and irritating the task of guarding Ben could be, and was more than grateful that Sayid had stepped up and taken it off of his hands.

"How long will it take you?" Jack whispered, unwilling to believe that Ben couldn't hear them. He wished that Sayid would spend a few more hours a day away from the cage. He was far from comfortable discussing anything in front of their prisoner.

"Two days at most." Sayid answered then tossed a look back over his shoulder at Ben. "Someone will have to watch him. Someone who he can't get to."

Jack nodded, knowing exactly what Sayid meant. Ben could be persuasive and the last thing they needed was for him to convince someone that he could help them better outside of his nice little cage. That he was innocent of any wrongdoing. As it was there was already talk back at the beach about the justice of keeping him locked up.

Once the immediate threat disappeared, people, he supposed, were always more than willing to question the measures taken to secure their safety.

"I think you should take Sawyer with you." Jack spoke, his eyes still on Ben. As it was he was surprised that Sawyer wasn't making a big deal about Kate's absence, and he didn't need him hanging around interfering with Kate's recovery. The sooner she moved back into her tent, the better. "I'll stay here and watch him, while you go to the beach and get Sawyer. Talk to Jin, if there is anyone here who won't be effected by Ben's mind games it's him." Jack finished, his eyes drifting back to Sayid.

Sayid nodded and returned back to the cage to pick up his bag before disappearing into the jungle.

Jack sat down next to the cage, his back resting against a tree as exhaustion threatened to close his eyes. He'd ceased to count the hours since the last time he'd closed them to sleep. As a doctor he'd learned how to function on little or no sleep, but he was out of practice and it was effecting him.

"I can help you." Ben offered and Jack's eyes shot open to meet his. Guilty of drifting off for a second, Jack cast his eyes sideways quickly checking to see if anyone had caught him.

"Finally decided to talk huh? Too bad I don't care." He answered when he noted the coast was clear, then settled back into the tree a bit more.

"They can't find you. The island interferes with their navigation equipment." Ben came to stand against the bars and Jack folded his arms across his chest.

"Is that supposed to impress me?" Any genius could see they were still on the island, and it would take a lot of deduction to come to that reasoning. Especially after the helicopter crash.

"No Jack. It's just the truth. I'm not trying to impress you, just telling you the truth." Ben seemed earnest, but Jack was not about to trust him at face value.

"Why me? If you're so eager to tell the truth why didn't you tell Sayid?"

Ben smiled before answering.

"Why would I? You're their leader." and then almost as if an afterthought, "Besides, I owe you for saving my life."

"Whatever you have to tell yourself I guess." Jack chuckled and tilted his head back against the tree, he planned to ignore the rambling lunatic across the way.

"I'm offering you another option. I can help you if you let me."

Jack shifted and laughed uneasily. What if he could help? What if he was the only person who could get them off the island? Ben seemed to know all of the secrets of the island, why wouldn't he know how to get off it, he'd promised Jack that exact thing. He must have a way to communicate with the outside world, he'd brought Juliet in. But they'd destroyed his sub, the substation used for communication had been blown to pieces as well. No, Ben didn't have anything else to add.

Just his delusional dreams. Jack decided to listen to him, if anything it would be an amusing distraction that would keep him awake until Jin showed up to take over.

"Fine, and just how exactly do you propose to help us." He relented and Ben's smile grew. He wasn't a fool, he knew that Jack was only playing along. But he also knew that what he was about to say was something that Jack couldn't afford to ignore. Not if he wanted off the island.

"They could circle out there for years and never find this place." He started out by playing on Jack's fears. "Why do you think no one has found you yet? Why do you think this place isn't on any maps? Those who stumble across this place, don't find it again, not without help Jack. In the back of your mind you know that."

"And yet somebody has the foresight to drop supplies for those of you still here. Seems to me like someone can find this place." Jack stood and walked over to the cage.

"True to a point. Would you care to guess when the last time a pallet of supplies was dropped? I can tell you, though I think you already know."

Fear tried to weasel its way into his heart, cold dark dread threatened to close off his lungs. He did know when the last pallet was dropped, and he didn't have to walk the entire island to know he was right. He had stumbled across that pallet with Kate. It seemed like a lifetime ago, in reality it was only a few weeks. But it was enough to cause concern. Or at least make him question Ben's words.

"That doesn't mean anything."

"But it does. Nothing has flown over successfully since before you and yours destroyed the Swan, and then you destroyed the Flame as well. I can only assume that since your phone is functioning that the Looking Glass is also non functional. For wanting off of this island, you seem pretty intent on destroying your options."

No, he was wrong. None of that mattered. Something tugged at the back of his mind, something he should have remembered before. And then with sudden clarity it hit him.

"The radio tower!" Some leader he was, why hadn't he thought about using it earlier? At the very least leaving a message much like the one they'd shut off to use the damned phone.

Ben smiled. The tower wasn't much of a threat. Locke would shut it off. If he hadn't already destroyed it. Jacob wasn't about to let anyone off the island. He'd allow Jack his dream, if it meant it gave him a chance to get out of the cage and down to the Temple, but he couldn't resist placing some doubt into Jack's mind.

He understood that by telling Jack it wouldn't work, he'd only be encouraging him to try and that by telling him it would work Jack would never believe him. So instead he'd lead him down a path Jack could interpret for himself. He was a smart man and would soon come to realize that his options were limited.

"The signal has been playing for the last sixteen years and no one has heard it. What makes you think you'll have better luck?"

Jack remembered the argument well, Danielle had spoken the same words and then Juliet had told them about the Looking Glass. His prime concern had been about keeping those on the beach safe, about blowing the Other's to pieces, all he could think about was fighting back.

Looking back he tried not to read too much into it. His concern now was getting off the island and he couldn't look back and feel guilty for forgetting that every now and then.

"You were jamming the signal then, any signal but your own." He contradicted.

"For sixteen years?" Ben chuckled. "Why not just shut if off if it was such a threat, Jack? Why would we block it for sixteen years, when we could have just shut it off?"

Because they hadn't blocked it for sixteen years. Only since the crash, only since Jacob had told him to. Sixteen years ago, Dharma was still in control of the island. Sixteen years ago, a trip to the radio tower was a death sentence and Dharma viewed anyone outside of the Barracks or substations as a threat. Hostiles.

But even then, power had been shifting and Jacob had given him a list of people to gather. Ben had not dreamed that it would take sixteen years for all of them to finally get to the island.

"There is a reason for everything Jack. Nothing happens accidentally. Especially here." Ben lowered his voice and Jack spun around as his fears made him angry.

What if he couldn't get them off the island? What if Ben was right?

"I suppose you're here now, not because we put you here, but because you're supposed to tell me how to get out of this mess." Jack snorted, spun around and grabbed the bamboo bars.

"I didn't say that. But I do know how to get off the island."

Jack laughed, pushed off the bars and sat down under a tree across from the cage again.

"Fine." He threw out flippantly, as he cast a somewhat amused but mostly condescending smirk Ben's way. "Enlighten me."

"They will never find you by boat, that is a fact." Ben started, he could see the uncertainty in Jack's eyes. "The magnetic field will tell their navigational equipment that they are heading toward your recorded signal, when in reality they are headed off course. It won't matter how many times they try, they will always veer off course. The only reason the helicopters were able to find you is that they could see the island. A boat does not have that luxury."

Ben paused and Jack gave him a cold look. "Ask Sayid about navigating the island. Ask him about the compass. If you don't believe me, he will tell you."

"So how can you help with that Ben? You got some secret button to push that will make it all better." Jack stood up and scoffed. This was a waste of time. He'd had enough of buttons with Locke.

There was one thing that was certain, this island had the ability to turn almost anyone into a dribbling idiot.

"No. You need to send them a new signal. There is one place on this island that is protected from the magnetic field. One heading a ship can use to approach the island without being redirected. I can take you there."

Jack paused to think about it. At least half of what Ben said was probably true. He remembered a conversation with Sayid about Locke's broken compass, and people had to have been able to reach the island before Dharma created the hatch that controlled the magnetic field. But any genius could see that the most likely location for this mystical, magnetically protected zone Ben was talking about, was the docks he'd watched Michael and Walt leave from.

"If what you're saying is true then I already know where that place is. We don't need you to take us there."

The doctor always thought he was so smart, Ben smirked.

"Are you sure of that? Once the island is in sight, it would be fairly easy to navigate around it to dock. Sawyer and Kate did it without any navigational equipment at all. And how do you know those are the only docks on the island Jack? You seem willing to risk an awful lot. Are you sure you want off this island?"

* * *

Sawyer hadn't seen Kate in almost twenty-four hours and already it was starting to irritate him. She hadn't been waiting up for him when he'd gotten back from watching Ben the previous night and he hadn't realized how much he'd come to rely on seeing her there every night, waiting for him, even if neither would admit that's what she'd been doing.

It had been a slap in the face, to return and find her spot empty. An acknowledgment that this time he'd really screwed things up. And maybe it was for the best, but it still stung. Not that he should be caring...

He had not seen her around camp all day either. Of course again, he couldn't blame her. He'd hide too, the last person he'd want to see was himself.

It wasn't until Sun came up to him and asked if he'd seen her that he started to worry about it, though. That was about an hour ago and he was gathering supplies so he could go and search the jungle. Something wasn't right. It was one thing to hide from him, but Kate wouldn't hide from half the camp as well.

He bumped into Sayid just as he was leaving his tent. Sayid had already stopped by Jin's tent and had asked for Jin's help. Sun translated and they both soon agreed to the request. Jin had reached into his tent and grabbed a bag and his water bottle and had headed out to relieve Jack.

"I am going to the Other's settlement." Sayid interrupted Sawyer's departure. "The battery in the phone is dying and we need to find a way to charge it. I would appreciate your help."

"Love to really, but I got something I gotta take care of first. You seen Kate around?" Sawyer asked, his eyes searching the small clusters of people on the beach, his heart sinking further when he once more confirmed her absence. If he'd had the power, she'd come walking out of the jungle at any moment, so intense was his desire to see her do just that.

"No, but I'm sure she is fine. She's very adept at taking care of herself." Sayid seemed unconcerned, and stood waiting for Sawyer to explain the reason for his concern.

"Yeah, ordinarily I'd agree with you. But no one seems to remember seeing her since yesterday and it isn't like her to disappear for so long."

"She was mad at you though, it's possible she does not want to be found." Sayid supplied, though his eyes too seemed to search the horizon for his missing friend.

"And that's all fine and dandy, but she can't run off and not tell anyone where she's gone. Not here, and she knows that too."

"Perhaps we should gather a small group and organize a search. Who have you questioned about her disappearance?"

It was at that moment that a weary Jack half walked, half stumbled, from the jungle and caught the attention of both men. Jack also noticed them and called out to them.

"Sayid! Sawyer!" They hurried over to him and Sawyer instantly pressed him for information.

"Have you seen Kate? No one here has seen her since yesterday."

Jack sighed, his attention wandered over to the larger man who stood a few feet behind Sawyer and Sayid. Hurley looked sheepish and clearly unhappy, it had taken them a bit but Juliet and Jack had finally convinced Hurley that Kate would be fine and that he should keep what happened to himself. The best thing for Kate was rest and she needed to be left alone in order for that to happen. They would not miss her for awhile and if Sawyer found out prematurely he'd be more than pissed. They would handle telling Sawyer, and in the meantime Kate could have some time to recover from her ordeal before he came in yelling and screaming.

Hurley had seen their point and he didn't envy them one bit. He didn't want to be the one to deliver the news. That Kate had lost her baby. He didn't want to be the one to inform his friend of the look on Jack's face, almost devastation, as he'd found her lying unconscious on the ground. The image of Jack holding Kate's head in his lap, helpless, the sound of him screaming for Hurley to find help. The pain and disappointment on Jack's face as he watched Juliet treat her, and then his near inhuman cry when she started to bleed. Like a man in love, like a father losing his child. Hurley could only imagine Sawyer's anger, when he found out, and he couldn't help but be a little angry at Kate as well, for keeping Jack's baby a secret.

And it had to be Jack's kid. Because he'd heard Juliet whispering to Jack, telling him she was sorry. Because Jack was with Juliet now and Kate wanted to get rid of the baby. Because no one could miss the scene on the beach the day before, where Jack called after her, or Sawyer's heated words a few hours later. And lastly because it just wasn't possible for it to be Sawyer's. He'd heard Juliet talking to Jack about it, about how it would have been conceived when Kate was out hunting for Jack.

Of course it would have helped if Hurley had heard the whole conversation. The part where she'd corrected herself and put the conception date as the night Kate had shared a cage with Sawyer. But Hurley had been too overwhelmed with the discovery at the time to catch that little tidbit.

And so he stood, guilty, and feeling miserable for Sawyer as he had asked everyone around him for information on Kate. He hadn't spoken up and Sawyer had trudged off. Hurley had followed him with his eyes and then had positioned himself close by, trying to figure out a way to keep his promise to Jack and Juliet, but alleviate Sawyer's fears as well.

Now, Jack would tell him about the baby and it would be all over.

But Jack didn't tell him about the baby.

"She's fine. I saw her a little while ago. She wants to be left alone." He supplied instead, and shot Hurley a look. Hurley nodded unhappily and wandered off. Jack was only trying to protect Kate, and he supposed that as the father of her child he had a right to do that. He just didn't think it was right to keep that from Sawyer, but he wasn't going to butt in, right in front of Jack. Another time would come.

"Figures. She coulda told someone though. Sun was worried." Sawyer shrugged it off, and his fear once more transformed back into anger. A bitter, dull ache, that flamed just below the surface.

"Now... you want me and Mohammad to do what?"

* * *

"I want to go back. You can't keep me here forever." Kate protested, her arms folded across her chest as she sat on the table, very much like a petulant child.

"You nearly died, I don't think it's a wise a idea for you to go traipsing through the damn jungle." Juliet argued.

"You can't keep me here."

"Wanna make a bet?"

Kate had not let up since waking up three hours earlier, and Juliet was about ready to strangle her. If drugs weren't in limited supply she would have drugged her back into sleep, but with no supply drops looming and the chances of rescue becoming more slim, it just wasn't a chance she could take.

And by all rights Kate shouldn't have been awake at all, let alone feeling well enough to hike back just yet. Damned island and its miracle healing properties! She was really growing to hate the place.

"Come on." Kate whined. "People will miss me. Sawyer will come looking for me and I'd rather not be here when he finds me."

That was it right there. She didn't want Sawyer to know anything had happened, and if she got her way, he probably wouldn't. By the time he wanted to spend time with her again, the island would most likely have her healed, especially if her current recovery speed was any indication.

"It won't just go away you know. This is something you'll have to live with. Just because your body heals..."

Kate gave her a dirty look.

"I know." She growled and pushed herself off the table.

And she did know, she already felt guilty about it. She didn't need some self-righteous, traitor doctor telling her how she'd feel. She really just wanted to sleep it off in her own tent, far away from everyone else.

"Kate. Get back up there." Juliet grabbed her arms and tried to steer her back to the table, but Kate had recovered a remarkable amount of strength, and Juliet found herself left with two options.

Fight with her until she exhausted herself or give her, her damned stubborn way.

It would serve her right if she collapsed in the jungle somewhere.

Being tired and irritable, and thinking that it might be entertaining to watch Kate face plant it in the middle of the jungle, not to mention fulfilling, Juliet gave in.

So they'd slowly trekked back to the beach and after another war, much smaller than the one they'd had about leaving the medical hatch, she had Kate settled next to Jack in their tent. It was a good thing Jack had the foresight to send Sawyer away for a couple of days, otherwise Juliet figured she'd still be outside fighting with Kate about her new sleeping arrangements.

Jack rolled over and groggily opened his eyes.

"What's she doing here! I thought we'd decided she'd stay in the hatch for another day at the very least!" Jack sat up quickly.

"Shhhh! If you wake her up, I swear to you I will never so much as look in your direction again!" Juliet whispered fiercely. Jack smiled.

"That bad huh?" He teased and leaned in to kiss Juliet.

Juliet avoided his lips. "You owe me."

* * *

Sawyer and Sayid made good time, the trek through the jungle didn't take them as long as it had previously as the route was not a new one, and the sun was just disappearing from the sky when they reached the settlement.

The wind blew through the trees in an ominous fashion, and the heavy air settled over the two men, choking out sound. A swing danced and a scrap of paper blew across a field.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Sawyer asked after a moment.

"Yes." Sayid sighed, and turned his back on the burning piles of rubble that once held their hope for rescue.


	11. What If

**Every step that you take, could be your biggest mistake. It bend or it could break. That's the risk that you take. **

What if-- Coldplay

* * *

Sawyer and Sayid made good time, the trek through the jungle didn't take them as long as it had previously taken, the route was not a new one, and the sun was just disappearing from the sky when they reached the settlement.

The wind blew through the trees in an ominous fashion, and the heavy air settled over the two men, choking out sound. A swing danced and a scrap of paper blew across a field.

"Are you sure this is the right place?" Sawyer asked after a moment.

"Yes." Sayid sighed, and turned his back on the burning piles of rubble that once held their hope for rescue.

"Must have been quite the barbecue. Too bad we didn't get an invite." Sawyer commented dryly, as they surveyed the remains. "Wanna go play in the ashes?"

Sayid merely nodded and the two men spent the better part of an hour digging through what was left of the burned settlement. Who ever had torched the place had done a thorough job, and little survived. Even the playground showed evidence of damage from heat, and smoke still drifted up slowly from the ashes.

They found nothing of use in their current predicament, nothing much of anything really, and both men quickly came to an agreement. They'd start the hike back and camp further in. Neither was eager to spend the night in the ghost town.

As was typical with the two of them, most of their time was spent in relative silence, and Sawyer found it easy to brood, he was beginning to wonder if he'd ever have a moment when his mind didn't wander to darker thoughts. What he'd done... Kate... his decision to cut her out completely... haunted him around every corner.

He knew his second thoughts were a direct result of her absence. The longer she stayed away, the more willing he was to give into her. He was worthlessly weak at that, and there had to be a way to avoid all of it, yet her presence drove him to distraction as well.

They were a ticking time bomb and it didn't seem like anything would fix that. He was sick to death of all the circles, but he couldn't see past them. How many times had she ripped his heart out and stomped on it? Just how many times would she have to grind him into the ground before he learned his lesson?

He kicked a rock as he walked, head hung low, hands in his pockets as the sun traveled low in the sky and the jungle hummed around him.

If he wasn't so damn determined, so obsessed with his own destruction, maybe he'd be able to resist. Maybe then he'd be able to see past those troubled green eyes and that easy turn of her lips. As it stood, it was probably a good thing Sayid had asked him along. It kept a physical distance between him and his destruction.

"It's getting dark, we'll stop here for the night." Sayid's voice finally cut into his contemplation, and Sawyer shifted his focus to gathering wood for a fire and setting up a small camp for the night. If he had a task to perform it was easier to block it all out. Consequently, it wasn't until after they'd eaten and were settling for the night that Kate once more returned to torment him.

Choosing, of course, the worst possible scenario, he could almost feel her curled up against his chest as his eyes drifted closed, the fire burning brightly in front of him. He remembered the smell of her hair, her lips whispered across his. Those lips that smiled her lies and drank so deeply. The eyes that kissed so completely upon the things he'd rather she not see. That night, both of them covered in dirt and tears, as they tried to steal what little time left to them. The words he meant all to well, and her inability to answer them.

The wind blew fiercely through the trees and chilled him to the core, almost as much as her absence had. The quiet night settled deeply over him echoing the hollowness inside.

It was with bittersweet memories that he curled up, his eyes hypnotized by the flames in front of him and tried to ignore the knife she'd logged so easily, in his heart. Ironically wishing for the one thing he knew he couldn't have, the person who'd brought him so low in the first place.

Kate...

* * *

_His lips whispered on her stomach and her fingers curled in his long hair, holding him captive as he nipped and licked his way across her sensitive skin. He varied pressure, making her giggle as he first tickled, and then bite back moans of pleasure as he taunted her with the delightful pull of his lips on her skin. _

_The ocean lapped at their ankles, his jeans were soaked through from playing in the waves with her. Just around the bend, the rest of the camp was busy going about their lives, and occasionally the sound of laughter caught in the wind that teased through their hair. Sand stuck to wet skin. But nothing else mattered, all was easily ignored by beating hearts and heavy breath, by teasing touch and friendly fingers._

_He pushed her shirt higher, the fabric bunched around her breasts, barely covering them. His fingers spread, underneath the fabric, spanning her ribs. His thumbs resting just under the swell of flesh he'd freed from her bikini top moments ago._

_She squirmed and tried to press herself into him more firmly, but he'd have none of it and settled to the side of her, leaving the air above her empty. The sound of her whimper made him smile and he let a small chuckle escape._

_Slowly, he removed his lips from her stomach and let his hands slide down her skin to rest on her hips, just above her dark bikini bottoms, then he sat back and watched her. He hadn't thought he'd get her to agree to putting on a suit and joining him for a swim, but now the image of her so wild with passion, her head thrown back, eyes closed as her dark hair spilled in the wet sand, her shirt hiked up to near indecency as her hands dug into the sand next to her head, stilled his crazy heart and lust was replaced with a deeper feeling._

"_I love you." He murmured softly and she grinned as her eyes opened slowly, coyly._

"_Care to prove it?" He smirked and leaned in, a breath from her face, his nose almost touching hers, hovered above her for an impossibly long time as his eyes battled with hers for dominance._

"_Not really." He teased and pulled away, moments before giving into her siren call. Her arms shot up and locked around his neck, preventing him from traveling more than a heartbeat away._

"_Liar." She teased then captured his lips in a wild kiss. Her hands dug under his shirt, in his hair, and the little grains of sand caught between her hand and his skin only heightened the sensations. He pulled her up into his arms and returned the favor, let himself drift in the feelings she evoked for a moment before tearing his mouth away from her hungry lips._

"_Baby, you gotta cut that out if you don't want me to make a scene." He teased and pulled her shirt back down with a kiss to her forehead. _

_Smiling she climbed into his lap and wound her legs around his waist. He let himself be distracted by her naked legs for a moment, ran his hands over her thighs and she nearly purred as he brushed the sand from her skin and appreciated the strength of her tense muscles._

"_No one is watching." She half moaned, half whispered in his ear and ran her hands over his arms, leaned back to display her assets, her wet shirt clinging to her chest and hiding nothing, her hands resting in the sand behind her. Her body on display, a temptation he was quickly losing resistance to._

"_We could be fast." She continued to tease, her ass resting on what promised to end quickly if she kept rubbing against it in the slow seductive manner she'd chosen. He grabbed her hips to stop her movement, and she pouted. "You're no fun." Her tongue snaked out to lick her bottom lip, full from his kisses, salty from the ocean's._

_Whatever resolve he had collapsed._

"_I'll give you _/i'no fun'i_..." He murmured then pressed her back into the sand as he assaulted her mouth, dug his fingers in her wild windblown hair. Her hands quickly snaked between them, and fought to free him. He smirked against her lips, __placed one hand over hers to still her fingers. She growled in frustration._

"_Slow down. I'm not going anywhere." He kissed her neck, her heart beat wild against his tongue. _

_Bringing both hands between them, he locked her wrists between his fingers and brought them back up over her head. His tongue played with her earlobe, his lips pressed against the sensitive skin below her ear._

"_Promise me." She panted. "Promise you won't leave."_

_His lips stilled, pulled away from her seductive skin and he let his eyes travel back to hers. Concern clouded their green depths and it nearly broke his heart._

"_I swear Kate. I promise, I won't leave you, Freckles. Not ever."_

"_James--" He cut her off with a kiss._

"_I promise." He vowed again, never more certain of anything._

"_I'm scared." She admitted as tears gathered in her eyes._

"_Trust me." His hands slid slowly down her arms and she shuddered in pleasure as his fingers traced their way over the inside of her wrist, the soft skin on the inside of her arms. They paused at her hips, and began to peel back her shirt once more._

_His blue eyes never left hers, stormy with emotion, ever changing color with his mood, and the fear seemed to ebb away slowly with each stroke of skin on skin. He brushed his lips against the tip of her nose, let them linger gently on her lips, pressed them softly to her chest._

_He left his lips pressed against her heart, his fingers brushing up and down her sides until he felt her muscles relax, then looked up to see her smiling down at him. She brought one hand down to him, let her fingers play in his hair for a moment. He turned his head and pressed a kiss against the inside of her wrist._

"_God, Kate..." He murmured and buried his face against her chest, nuzzled her shirt out of the way and locked his lips against the swell of her breast. She tensed in surprise but soon relaxed to the feel of his tongue against her skin, her fingers released their grip on his hair and she giggled in delight._

_He pulled away in confusion._

"_I love you too. I abso-fucking-lutely love you too."_

_He tipped his head back and laughed._

Kate opened her eyes slowly and smiled contently as the dream faded to nothing but the warm glow of an easy night of sleep. The first she'd had in entirely too long.

A ray of sunlight peeked through the door and illuminated the dim tent and Kate slowly sat up, her body ached somewhat awfully, but she was determined to let nothing rain on the good mood she'd woken with.

She could hear the beach alive with movement, and knew from the direction the sun poured in, that it was late morning and more than time for her to rise and resume life, and her stomach growled its assent.

Her mind was hazy on how she'd come to wake up in Jack's tent wearing a Dharma issue hospital gown and a pair of filthy jeans, but that was something she could find out as soon as she'd found something else to change into.

"Hey, you're awake." Jack smiled as he peeked his head in the tent, saving her a trip. "You hungry?"

"Starving." He stepped into the tent with a bowl of oatmeal and she smiled. "You're my hero." He handed her the bowl and she dug into it eagerly.

"You feeling better?" He questioned and she nodded.

"How did I get here?" She asked between bites.

Jack chuckled and sat across from her.

"You don't remember?" She shook her head, confused at the smile and laugh in his voice.

"You basically pushed your way past Juliet, who isn't very happy with you right now." Images, disjointed and unclear, of hiking through the jungle and nearly collapsing in exhaustion, started to collect in her memory.

"I remember now, bits and pieces. Tell her I'm sorry, will you?" Jack frowned.

"Fact is Kate, what you did was more than stupid. I'm not too happy with you either."

She was surprised he was able to keep his cool. Juliet had been a good influence on him, for that at least. She had no doubt that without Juliet's influence, Jack would have been yelling and the entire camp would have found out about her little 'accident.'

He was right though, she shouldn't have run off into the woods and tried to take matters into her own hands. She could see that now, could see just how blinded she'd been at the time. How she'd let fear once more make her decision. This time it had nearly cost her her life.

"You're right. What I did was stupid and I'm sorry. It's just..." She sighed and Jack took the empty bowl from her hands. He thought he could understand, and knew that he didn't envy her in the least bit. Sawyer wasn't the easiest guy to get along with, and Jack could only imagine how hard it would be.

"I know. We thought we'd lost you, Kate. I meant what I said, I love you, but you can't keep doing things like that." He saw the uncertainty cloud her face.

"About that... Jack...I..." He couldn't help but smile at her discomfort.

He wondered if she would forever think everyone was in love with her, and he wondered what had happened to make her forget there were other kinds of love. It was a new thing for him as well, expressing that feeling had not been easy, but he'd found that it was better than keeping it bottled up inside.

"Juliet brought you some clothes." He stood and hesitated at the door, then finally took pity on her. "I'm not in love with you, not anymore than you're in love with me, Kate. But that doesn't mean I don't care. I know you're not happy right now... we all do. Just don't... Try not to..."

Kate smiled

"Thanks Jack."

* * *

It had been a long sleepless night. A long exhausting trek. And a long, long time since he'd felt whole.

One question kept haunting him, what if he'd been wrong?

What if she had an explanation? What if he'd overreacted?

Ok, so maybe it was more than one question but the 'what if's' had kept him up all night, and he only found himself more confused. Still he had a responsibility that didn't include her, they had to tell Jack about the settlement, after that he could try and figure out what the hell he was going to do about Kate.

As Sayid and Sawyer stepped out of the jungle, they bumped into Juliet who was sitting on the beach looking out to the ocean. Sawyer wondered how she was taking it all in. If it bothered her... Kate's apparent fascination with the man Juliet was sleeping next to.

"Do you know where Jack is?" Sayid asked and Juliet spun around in surprise.

"His tent. What are you doing back so soon?" Sawyer detected a bit of panic in her voice, but he shrugged it off and they headed toward Jack's tent.

"Wait... what's going on?" Juliet grabbed Sawyer's arm and tried to stop him.

"We'll tell you, when we find Jack." Sayid offered and Sawyer shook Juliet loose, now more than a little interested in why she didn't seem to want them to find Jack.

"What do you know?" Sawyer demanded, Sayid stopped walking and turned around to face the two of them.

"Nothing... Go find Jack." Juliet feigned indifference. Kate could fight her own battles, it wasn't worth it. She'd fought hard enough to be accepted in the group, she wasn't going to risk it over Kate's stupidity.

Sawyer, uncomfortable with the situation, but seeing the need to find Jack turned to Sayid.

"Stay with her, something is going on. I'm gonna go find Jack." He whispered, angry. This was the last thing he needed. He cast Juliet one final questioning look but she stood as if immune, completely motionless and unaffected.

Stomping his way across the beach, his mood made all the darker by Juliet's interference, he reached Jack's tent, then ripped the door open.

And froze.

"Sawyer... I..."

Kate grabbed a blanket and tried to hide her nakedness.

"This isn't...Sawyer..."

He stepped back, let the tent flap drop from his hand.

"Come on... Sawyer..."

And he'd... Then she'd...

He couldn't believe it.

He could not believe just how far she'd go.

She tore the door back, blanket wrapped around her.

"Listen to me, Sawyer. This isn't--"

"No! I've heard it all Kate. What? Did you just stumble into Jack's tent naked? I'm done. I told you that before. Go screw your little doctor until you can't walk straight. We're finished."

"Sawyer..." She put her hand on his arm and he pulled away quickly.

"Don't."

His voice was ice and she couldn't miss the hurt spelled out in every line, so she stood and watched him hurry away from her. Certain that there was something she hadn't said, something she could have said, something he would have believed.

And all she'd done was stand there like some stupid, guilty...

Like she'd been caught.

Why did he make her feel like that?

And why couldn't he give her a goddamn minute to explain!

He always did this. Always tried her before he'd even heard the evidence that exonerated her. She was forever guilty in his eyes.

No, this wasn't on her. This was on him. This was his mistake. And until he wanted to listen he could go on believing whatever the fuck he wanted.

She was done.


	12. Your Eyes Don't Lie

**"You see the world in black and white, no color or light... Not painted right." **

Low—Coldplay

* * *

Ben lied.

It wasn't surprising to perhaps anyone. Even Jack, who had insisted that a trek must be made, did not seem surprised at what they found.

It had taken Jack nearly a week to talk them into the idea of testing Ben's theory, and it had come at a cost to Jack himself. Juliet had refused to travel with the group, and it was no secret that she wasn't happy with him, which in turn caused the old and much more ugly Jack to rear his head. Their hike through the jungle had been sprinkled with a generous helping of irritated displeasure. His anger evident in the hard line of his shoulders, tense and drawn.

Kate could sympathize with Jack however, she knew exactly what it was like to live in the shadow of contention, and had taken to spending more time with him and renewing the friendship that had fallen along the wayside. If she was honest it wasn't just about renewing their friendship however, a part of her really enjoyed the fact that it would piss the hell out of Sawyer, and she wasn't above a little retaliation.

After he had found her changing in Jack's tent, he'd shunned her presence like she carried some debilitating disease, highly contagious, and fatal. She hadn't spoken to him since and her anger still felt more than a little righteous, but she also couldn't help but miss his company at times as well.

She'd never been with a man who caused her so much grief in his absence, or frustration. Never had the experience of lying awake at night and knowing he was so close, knowing the only thing she really wanted was to curl up next to him, but hating the idea of doing just that as well. She'd never known the hollow, aching part of not having him next to her, not having his smile or his voice to greet her. His infuriating nicknames and gentle touch. Or his bullheaded stubbornness. He drove her crazy.

Jack, on the other hand, had been kind to her. He didn't push her, and shared in her suffering. And even though he told her he didn't think what she was doing was right, he understood why she did it and let her deal with it in her own time. If she mistook his self absorption for sympathy and understanding, it didn't really matter so much.

So she'd stood behind him when he'd suggested they let Ben take them to this place, this Temple, as he called it, to try and find a way off the island.

Sawyer had of course, to be contrary she was sure, sided with Juliet and Sayid in the manner, saying that Ben couldn't be trusted. He didn't want off the island, was more than fine with all of them dead. They were certain that Ben would lead them into a trap. Kate wondered if he did it to be spiteful. The idea made her smile secretly. It meant she was getting to him, and even though it was underhanded, she'd be a little relieved to find out he wasn't so immune to her.

So she stood behind Jack when no one else would, it was a risk they had to take, especially now that use of the radio phone had become so limited in order to preserve its dwindling power supply.

A few more treks across the jungle, to varied locations, such as the radio tower and the medical hatch, had been the compromise Sayid had suggested, and they'd split into groups to look for resources elsewhere, only to find that these too had been burned or ransacked with nothing left or no electricity.

Sawyer had been involved in more than one of those treks, and Kate had been a relieved at the time. Her body had needed more rest and recuperation, and it was a relief to be able to do so without Sawyer's burning eyes. And with her physical wounds healed, she tried to forget the emotional ones. Was glad that Sawyer's eyes couldn't penetrate that facade quite as easily.

In the daylight, it was easy to gloss over the guilt, paint it red and call it anger, but the stars seemed to wake up the quiet parts of her. She hadn't expected the guilt and had done a good job at pretending it away, but at night when everything got quiet again, she couldn't help but remember. And it was the guilt, more than her anger, that kept her from going to him. But she pushed those thoughts away again, better not to let them in.

Ben had claimed the burning and ransacking, the depletion of any usable resource, was Locke's doing, that Jacob wanted no one to leave and would stop at nothing to accomplish his goals.

Yet he refused to expound on Jacob. Jack wondered if Ben had lost his sanity, if the ravings of a madman could really be trusted. But Juliet, though she wouldn't clarify on why or how, seemed to readily agree with Ben.

And though Juliet refused to come on the trek with them, Kate could see that when Jack returned he'd be forgiven whatever misstep he'd taken. It was fear that made Juliet refuse, but Kate wondered if she secretly agreed with Jack's decision.

So Jack, Kate, Sawyer, Ben, and Sayid, had left the group and trekked to the Temple. It was relatively close to their camp, it sat in the middle of a crater and was more a rock formation than actual building.

It was the large gathering of people camped around the Temple that gave its identity away. The Other's, Ben's lost followers, all sat with eyes toward the Temple on their new leader.

Locke.

Sawyer tensed beside her, and Kate tried to locate what had caused the reaction in him, but came up with nothing other than Locke himself. Which didn't make sense because it had to be a good sign that Locke was in charge, Locke wouldn't allow his people to hurt them. Would he?

Yet she could not forget the cold way he'd thrown a knife right into Naomi's back, or Jack's fear of him. And the fact still remained that Locke didn't want off the island.

Maybe Sawyer reaction wasn't unwarranted.

"We have to get down there. Your signal will be stronger from directly on top of the Temple." There was no hiding the urgency in his voice, and Sayid had to forcibly restrain him from running down to the alter and kicking Locke off.

"Perhaps, caution would be wise at this point." Sayid suggested.

Sawyer remained quiet and Kate sensed something was going on with him. He rarely kept his opinion to himself and he seemed somewhat distant, closed off from what was going on around him. That, and he had yet to take his eyes off of Locke, his cold, hard eyes.

She, of all people, knew that look She'd been on the other end plenty of times now.

Whatever Locke had done, Sawyer wasn't forgetting it. And the man could hold a grudge until hell froze over. There was nothing like firsthand experience to confirm that.

But she had no earthy idea what Locke could have done. It wasn't the first time she questioned what went on after she left his tent that night and things blew all to pieces.

"I think you're right." Jack agreed with Sayid and pulled back a pace. "One of us can go in tonight, when everyone is asleep."

"No! It has to be now!" Ben cried out, then in a move that surprised everyone, broke free of his bonds and tore down the hill straight toward Locke.

* * *

For most of the trek, Sawyer had remained quiet. His mind stewed over the woman in front of him and her apparent involvement with the man who walked next to her.

She hadn't taken long to dismiss him, and Jack had taken even less time to cast Juliet aside.

It burned in the pit of his stomach like bile. Sour and acidic, until all he wanted to do was throw Kate up against the nearest tree and show her what she was missing, what she'd thrown away.

He wanted to twist his fingers in her hair and yank her head back, leave his mark on her neck. Whisper in her ear, all the things he would do to her. Tell her in no uncertain terms that she was his. His, because she was the only thing that filled that hole. His, because she fit so well, because she tasted like heaven and redemption and all those romantic ideals. His, because she wouldn't let go of his damned soul.

Just his.

But she wasn't, and he couldn't. His violent thoughts only proved that he shouldn't.

Sayid had tried to talk to him, had told him how lucky he was. Even tried to tell him that Kate didn't want Jack, that she loved him, wanted him just as badly as he needed her. That she was just as fucked up as he was. For all the good it did him.

Sayid didn't understand it. Not really. No one could.

Shannon hadn't been in love with another man. She'd wanted to be with him. So sorry, but his pain wasn't really the same, and he'd told him that, then vehemently denied that he wanted Kate back anyway.

Sayid gave him a stupid, pathetic look and went back to babysitting his best buddy.

Sawyer hadn't gone back to the cage since.

Instead he'd volunteered to trek through the jungle for fruit, or to the radio tower, anywhere away from the people who seemed intent on telling him how to live his life, and there seemed too many of those. Sayid, Hurley, even Claire had an opinion on the matter at hand. When did his love life became the hot item on the coconut internet?

He'd done his very best to avoid human contact at all after that. When he'd had to, he found it easier than he'd expected to slip back into that shell he'd taken so many years to construct, the one she'd made him shed, the one that had kept everyone away.

Yet that shell was uncomfortable and ill-fitting this time around, almost as if he'd grown out of it.

And so, in order to prove that he could be around her, to prove that he was still just as strong, heartless, cold, whatever-- He'd decided to go with the lot of them to this Temple. He couldn't wait to watch Jack fall apart when he realized that Ben was a fucking liar. And it would give him a perverse sense of fulfillment when Kate ran to her lover's arms to comfort him. It would read like one of those badly written romance novels, and he'd been running short on reading material lately, he mused bitterly.

He had to get off this godforsaken island soon, or he was going to hurt someone. Had to get out and forget it all. Maybe then he wouldn't feel like such a walking scab, constantly being picked open to bleed all over the place.

When they reached the Temple he felt the scab ripped away once more. Couldn't help but tense as his blood ran cold. Ironically, it wasn't Kate who ruined him this time.

It was the sound of that damned voice carried on the wind. It was the man who stood in front of a cheering crowd. The man who'd made any illusion he had about himself, about being worth a second shot, useless.

Kate was the farthest thing from his mind.

He wanted to kill him. Wanted to watch his blood pool as he gasped for his last pathetic breath. Wanted to scream and yell and let loose everything he'd kept quiet.

But he knew he wouldn't. Not yet anyway.

Because above it all, he wanted Locke to suffer. Just like he had. He wanted Locke to bleed and ache and question. Most of all he wanted him to beg. Beg for the end.

Beg, so that he could tell him no.

So dark were his thoughts, so lost in his own revenge, Sawyer didn't even notice the conversation going on around him. He didn't notice Ben break free, and wouldn't even have noticed his crazy dash toward Locke, except that her hand came down on his arm. Shattered all his darkness.

Her touch had always been able to bring him back from the brink, and this time even though her eyes were angry and her voice rough, he wanted to kiss her, pull her close and tell her how sorry he was.

"Get down, damn it!" Kate tugged at his arm and pulled him to the ground next to her, the tall grass nearly hiding them completely.. "What's wrong with you!" She demanded in a harsh whisper.

Hell if he knew, one minute he wanted to kill her and then next he wanted to proclaim his undying devotion. He settled for shaking her hand from his arm, taking a deep breath and avoiding eye contact.

"We should get out of here." Sayid whispered from his spot on the other side of Sawyer.

"I don't like the idea of leaving the two of them together." Jack objected, crouched on his stomach across from Sayid.

"Uh, guys..." Kate interrupted as two armed men stepped out from behind a rock formation behind them. "I really don't think we have much of a choice anymore."

Sawyer shifted beside her, grabbed her around the waist and lifted her from the ground, placing her between himself and Sayid, he aimed his gun at the nearest man, shielding her from immediate danger and coming to his feet, but staying low to the ground. He didn't notice her look of surprise, just as she failed to notice the way she immediately covered his back, so close their bodies brushed together.

Sayid and Jack also locked guns on the two men and the six of them held their positions as Ben was tackled to the ground mere feet from Locke.

"Guess the surprise is gone." Sawyer muttered.

* * *

Locke had his own certifiable fan club it seemed. After Ben had disappeared, the Other's were more than willing to accept their new leader. Jacob had always supplied them with a leader. And though transition was often a bloody manner, the faith of those loyal to Jacob never wavered at the means.

It was this undying devotion which many of the Other's automatically transferred to Locke, that shook Kate. Reminded her of some religious cult, and disturbed her deeply.

Locke had come up to them, hands outstretched, eerily calm and collected and had offered them freedom and peace. He did not want to war with them.

It was Sawyer who tossed his weapon aside first. And if the look on his face hadn't been so unreadable, she'd have known what to do. Instead she took her cue from Jack and lowered her gun only after he had lowered his.

So a truce had been reached between the two groups, and Jack and his companions had been offered a place to sleep and invited to share dinner with Locke's group. Ben was secured once more and tied to a tree just over the ridge.

Sayid had kept first watch as the group had settled in and Jack explained their dilemma. Locke seemed unconcerned, even amused at Ben's story, and it made Kate uneasy. It wasn't likely she'd be getting any sleep, and couldn't wait until morning when they could hike back to the beach and leave Locke and his groupies behind them.

Sawyer too seemed uneasy, he wouldn't let her out of his sight. And though he refused to talk to her, it was somewhat comforting to have him sitting silently next to her by the fire. She could almost pretend things were okay again, almost believe he was sorry. Except for the scathing looks he sent Locke's way and the stiffness, his tense drawn muscles, as if waiting to pounce.

As the sun set, he stood and slipped back into the jungle, his place taken by Sayid a few minutes later.

"You can try it, Jack. But Ben wanted to come here not for rescue, but to see if he could redeem himself." Kate tuned back into the conversation going on around her.

"Redeem himself how? To who?" She asked, intrigued at the idea that Ben felt he needed redeeming. He hadn't seemed very sorry for any of his actions. In fact she'd be surprised if that word was even in his vocabulary.

"The Island. Jacob. Ben does not realize his time is over."

"And now it's your time?" Jack asked, his tone clearly indicating just what he thought about that. At least one of them could blow it off. Kate couldn't get passed the adoring eyes that seemed to soak in every word out of Locke's mouth.

She'd seen that kind of fervor before, seen the lengths someone with that kind of irrational devotion would go to. The lies they'd tell and believe, the physical harm they'd put up with. It sent chills down her back and she wished Sawyer was sitting next to her again.

"Yes, Jacob has chosen me. The Island has chosen me."

* * *

He didn't care anymore what happened to Ben, but he couldn't stand sitting and listen to Locke's bullshit anymore. He'd planned on sitting with Kate, staying awake all night just to ensure that Locke hadn't decided to take up all of Ben's old quests. But Jack could keep an eye on her just as well, and her inquisitive eyes were digging a little too deep.

He could see the questions in her eyes. Could see the way she bit her tongue and he was betting it was only a matter of time before she turned them loose on him. So he'd planned his escape before she had the opportunity.

He was such a coward sometimes.

It wasn't until he was certain that the camp was asleep that Ben began to talk.

"Jacob will make him more powerful than you can imagine. If you let me go, I can end it."

"And take his place, I'm sure. Sorry Buddy, I ain't interested in doin' ya any favors."

"Then kill him yourself. He stole your opportunity. Did you know he killed the man you've searched more than half your life for? He killed him, killed Sawyer."

His blood boiled and his fist connected with Ben's cheek.

"Shut the fuck up! You don't know what the hell you're talking about!"

Ironically he did kill Sawyer. Just not the right fucking one.

Rage bubbled inside and Sawyer stepped back, let his hand, knuckles swollen, hang helplessly at his side. He wouldn't let Ben get a rise out of him, it was what the bastard wanted and he was tired of playing into people's hands.

"Resourceful, isn't he? I didn't think he had it in him. Got you to do his dirty work did he?"

It was the way he said it that set Sawyer off again, the way he followed it with a knowing smile. Like that was the only option, like it was completely expected. Like he couldn't rise above himself.

Well if Ben was so god damned sure of it, he'd oblige him some more.

Sawyer lunged at him, punched him again and again, his knuckles split and bleeding.

"I said, 'Shut up."

"She'd hate you like this. I bet you can see that look on her face, you know the one I'm talking about. Does she know? How'd you do it?"

"Shut up!" He wrapped his hands around Ben's throat to stop the noise. To stop the questions and the doubts and the pain that overwhelmed his system. To stop Kate's face, her lips turned down in disappointment. To stop her voice ringing in his ears.

He couldn't see anything outside of his own head anymore. Couldn't tell what he was doing. He just knew he had to stop it.

Ben struggled against the tree to free himself from Sawyer's iron grip as darkness threatened his vision.

"You're killing him, James."

The voice broke through the angry red haze and Sawyer saw for the first time just what he'd been about to do. He tore his hands away from Ben's throat and Ben gasped for air.

"Jacob has plans for him. Leave him to me." Locke placed a hand on Sawyer's shoulder and Sawyer stepped back.

He'd almost done it again. Almost killed.

He had to get out of there. He didn't trust himself anymore.

And so he left Ben with Locke.

* * *

Kate shifted on the uncomfortable sleeping pallet. The ground was uneven and rocky and she was too awake to try and sleep. After Locke's disturbing revelation, Jack had tried to use the radio phone only to find that he couldn't get a signal inside of the crater. Then disappointed they'd retired for the night.

Sawyer was out there with Ben, they'd be relatively alone. And no matter how many times she told herself it was a bad idea, she couldn't forget it.

Maybe it was time she confront him. It was past time he told her what happened with Locke and it was cowardly for him to run away from her before she could ask him.

So she slipped silently from her spot next to the fire and headed toward the jungle to find Sawyer.

* * *

"You didn't kill your father. Jacob requires blood, you know that. You're just a pretender." Ben gasped past his damaged vocal chords.

"A fact, I plan to remedy. Jacob requires something else as well, Ben. Care to guess?" Locke smiled.

"He'll kill you too, John. In the end that's all he really wants. He thrives on death." Ben closed his eyes. "Get it over with. Just remember this, because it will be you one day."

Locke paced uneasily before Ben. He had the same doubt himself. But Jacob whispered reassuring words. No, Ben was wrong.

"You're wrong. You disappointed him. He asked you for your devotion, proof of your loyalty, and you refused him. He's saddened by the way you twisted his words and his intentions. You led his people astray. He's sorry for you, Ben. But it's too late now. There can only be one."

"Finish it." Ben whispered.

And with the flash of metal, Locke finished it.

The moon danced off the knife, as blood dripped to the jungle floor and Ben slumped against the tree.

And it was to that ghastly scene, Locke bent over Ben's limp body, his blood coating Locke's hands, that Kate stumbled into. She gasped and Locke turned to face her, midnight glinting off the knife still in hand, he advanced slowly.

Kate backed away, horrified, shocked, and confused.

Who was he? What had he done?

"Jacob demands sacrifice from us all, Kate. I'm sorry you had to see that."


	13. Something To Be

**I've been looking for something. **

**Something I've never seen. **

**We're all looking for something.**

**Something to be**

**I can't stand what I'm starting to be **

**I can't stand the people that I'm starting to need **

**I need you to tell me what to stand for...**

Something To Be- Rob Thomas

* * *

Kate ran and Locke didn't try to stop her.

Ben was dead, Locke killed him, and she wouldn't soon forget the sight of his slit throat and hanging head, or of the look in Locke's eye.

She hadn't thought him capable of cold blooded murder. He'd always seemed so... so... God, she didn't know what anymore. How could she have been so wrong about him? Or maybe she hadn't been, maybe the island finally drove him mad. He certainly looked crazy.

Nothing made sense anymore.

Her foot caught on a root and she fell, scraping her hands in the process, mud on her knees. Dirt and bark, pebbles and bits ground into her injured palms. Her hair coming loose as she came to her feet again and cast a hesitant look over her shoulder.

Where was Sawyer? Why had he left Ben? Had he left Ben?

Oh God, what if Locke had run into Sawyer first... what if he'd used that knife to...

No, she couldn't think like that.

But there was something in Locke's eyes that made her panic.

Fear seized her heart and made breathing difficult. Her stomach danced, and a she felt a little dizzy, a little sick.

Where was he?

She was running again, pulling branches out of her way this time.

Where was he?

Actively seeking, instead of running blinding.

Where?

She wanted to scream his name, but she was afraid Locke would find her. Afraid that if she made any noise, he'd hunt her down.

She knew that she made ample noise and left a trail that could be easily followed, that screaming wouldn't have mattered, if Locke wanted her dead he would have killed her. But still her tongue stayed still, her lips remained locked.

Oh God, where was he!

He'd left Ben and Locke, and wandered. His mind still troubled over his overflowing anger and its consequences. His stomach still sick with what could have happened, he didn't pay much attention to his surroundings or to the passage of time.

He couldn't help but replay Ben's words.

What would she think of him?

God, he couldn't stand her pity or her disappointment, and he was terrified at the horror he knew was a distinct possibility.

How could she trust him after that? How could she let hands that spilled blood so easily, touch her, hold her, love her? How could she sleep easily next to him? Argue with him?

How could she possibly love him?

She couldn't.

No matter how many times he told himself that it was fine, it still felt just as raw.

He probably would have wandered all night in his own personal darkness, if she hadn't quite literally ran into him.

One minute his head was down and he was alone and the next thing he knew he felt her arms wrapping around his neck, her face buried in his chest as she held on for dear life. His arms answered hers instinctively, they always had acted unthinkingly when it came to her warm body.

"Oh God." She murmured. "Thank God."

Her hair had all but tumbled free and he tugged her ribbon out before she lost it completely, picked a leaf or two from the tangled mess.

"What is it?" He let himself, enjoy holding her close, the brush of her lips against his neck as she whispered.

"Thank God. Sawyer... James..."

He knew she wasn't listening to him, but it didn't bother him so much. Especially if it meant she'd stay like this, pressed up so closely, his hands spread across her back, rubbing softly.

"You're ok." She murmured and hugged him tighter.

"Course I'm ok. Why wouldn't I be?" He brought his hands up to her cheeks and forced her to look at him. "What happened Kate?"

He'd never seen her like this and it was starting to scare the shit out of him. Kate wasn't the kind of girl who freaked out easily. Something had happened to make her so upset. Something bad.

"...You weren't there and I thought..."

He could see the panic building her her eyes again, could feel how she wanted to pull him close and let go. But he couldn't let her shut down on him. It was too important that he find out what had set her off. And he couldn't risk letting go himself, comforting her the best way he knew how, with his body.

"Come on, Baby." He crooned softly. "Tell me what's wrong."

He was too worried to be angry with her. Too on edge to guard his tongue.

"He killed him!" She pulled away quickly as confusion crossed his features.

"Who?"

"Ben. Locke killed him!" Her eyes turned cold. "Where were you?" She demanded cruelly. "You were supposed to be there!" Fear fueled her words, panic peppered her tone.

She was right, he was supposed to be watching Ben. Just another screw up to add to her list, he supposed.

"I wasn't. It's about time he did his own dirty work anyway." Sawyer mumbled and Kate's panic turned to rage and boiled over.

"And what exactly is that supposed to mean." She demanded, her hands grabbed his shirt and shook him desperately. He'd nearly given her a heart attack and now he was back to his damn flippant, sarcastic, snide, biting, cold... God she hated him like this.

"Whatever you want it to mean, and don't you have a boyfriend to run off to. I'm sure Jackass will be more interested in your news."

"What the fuck is wrong with you. Did you hit your head on something? I was terrified you were out here dead somewhere and all you can think about is Jack!"

He tried to brush her anger off, placed his hand on her shoulder to assuage his own guilt at causing her any kind of ill feeling.

"Don't touch me!" She shook him off. "Go nurse your damned pride. It's obviously the only thing that matters to you."

She turned and started back to the others, but paused just within hearing range then turned to face him once more.

"You aren't the only person hurting you know."

And then she left him.

Sawyer stared after her in silence. It was almost like she cared. Like maybe her feelings for him ran a little deeper than the surface. He'd always known he got under her skin, but never had much to prove he got any further. Now he wondered.

He didn't wonder long however, there was another matter at hand now.

Locke.

Just the name filled him with rage. On top of everything he'd done, now he'd hurt Kate as well.

Sawyer stomped through the jungle, his fury matched in his quick strong strides. When he found the clearing where Ben was, Sawyer was taken back at the scene. It was no wonder Kate was so worried, it was a bloodbath, a massacre.

Locke sat facing Ben, his legs crossed, talking to himself, his fingers red with Ben's life, three streaks of red ran down his face. Two ran over his forehead vertically, centered above each brow, they skipped his eyes and ended high on his cheek bones. The third ran down the center of his forehead and the bridge of his nose, ending at a point slightly higher than the other two.

That he'd drawn them there with Ben's blood was just as obvious as the words he mumbled reverently, almost like a prayer.

A chill ran down Sawyer's spine and he shuddered in response. Almost like someone was watching.

"You could have waited. She didn't deserve to see this." He interrupted Locke's meditation.

"I only did what was necessary. You wouldn't have left, if you didn't agree with it. As for Kate, that part is on your head. Or did you think she wanted to talk to Ben?" Locke asked with a grin.

The problem wasn't that Kate had stumbled across Locke. Sawyer knew that. He also knew that he wasn't so sorry to see Ben was gone either. Locke was right, he might not have been in the right frame of mind when he'd stumbled away earlier, but in the back of his mind he knew that only one of them would walk away from the encounter. And he hadn't much cared which one it was.

The problem was that he'd taken his anger out on Kate again. That he'd lost control of his conflicting emotions and gone with the wrong route again. That he couldn't seem to make the right choice when it came to her, only confirming his own theory. So now he was taking his anger out on Locke in retaliation.

He had to let it go or it was going to destroy him. He could feel it chipping bits away. And justified or not, he found himself coming to the conclusion that it was unhealthy. He'd never had this much trouble reining himself in before. He'd been good at controlling his emotions, excelled at it.

And now everything boiled back down to that anger he just couldn't let go of.

"She was looking for you, James, and whether you want to admit it or not, you're still looking for her. So why are you here?"

Because he loved her. In some ways that was the worst part of it. That he actually needed her, provided him with a scenario he couldn't possibly win. Because even if he was with her, even if he chose to forgive her for Jack, he still couldn't be with her in the ways he wanted.

Her heart belonged to another man. Her body was off limits. And their time limited to their stay on the island.

He toyed with the idea of sneaking her off. If she wanted, if he thought it would work... what wouldn't he do for her. And perhaps that was just as unhealthy as his addiction to self destruction, or the anger he clung to.

The reality was he was probably always going to love her, and she'd probably never come to realize just what she'd given up.

"You're not here to yell at me, James. You're here to beat yourself up, and if you think that by standing there and trying to pass judgment you'll be able to forgive yourself, you'd be wrong."

He hated that what Locke said made sense. Had always hated that about the man. He always had this uncanny way of looking beyond, at the ugliness underneath, and Sawyer wasn't keen to be examined so closely.

"Why did you do it?" Sawyer asked after a moment of silence. He'd thought he'd have more to say, more that he needed to know. But as he stood and stared at the instigator of his current turmoil, the only thing he really wanted to know was why.

Why he did it? What had made him go out of his way? Why hadn't he done it himself?

"It's what you've been searching for your entire life." Locke offered gently. "You tell me, why'd you do it?"

Why had he done it? Because he'd lost control? Or was there something darker, another reason he hadn't thought about?

Why had he done it?

"Just because you don't like the consequences, doesn't mean you can blame the messenger." Locke turned away and leaned over, picked his knife up off the ground and sheathed it.

No, he wasn't going to push this off. John had known. He had known the minute he tricked him into following. He'd known and counted on it, and didn't care the consequence. He didn't care.

"You knew what would happen! You counted on it!"

Locke shrugged.

"We do what we have to do." He paused, waited for Sawyer's anger to die down a bit , then continued. "You of all people should know that."

It was different. He did what he did because he didn't have another option, because someone's life depended on it. And ever since he'd let Kate in, because he knew it was the right damn thing to do. He didn't try and justify his sins.

He didn't try to turn his darkness into something it wasn't.

Until recently he'd admired John, and not just because he stood up to Jack, but because the man had direction, something it often seemed Jack lacked. Because he spoke to them in a language they understood, and because he, of all people, had been able to see what the group had needed. He was hope to Jack's science.

It was becoming clear the admirable qualities were slipping away, being replaced with something a little twisted.

"What happened to you? You couldn't do it before. And now" He gestured toward Ben's limp form. "...this..."

Locke sighed, bowed his head almost reverently for a moment, then lifted his eyes to speak.

"James, so much has happened that you could not understand."

"Right. That's the best bullshit answer I've had all week." He couldn't help but laugh a the seriousness in John's voice. There wasn't a whole hell of a lot he couldn't wrap his mind around. Wasn't a whole hell of a lot he hadn't been through personally.

He could go down the list of emotional mishaps he'd had in the last fucking week, check them all off the list neatly, and pretty much cover the entire damned spectrum.

So no, he couldn't possibly understand what could change a person.

Locke shook his head in disappointment. Jacob needed Sawyer to see the truth. He whispered persistently. Stood just off to the side and tried to explain just how dangerous it could be if Sawyer decided not to side with them.

"You can't understand because your anger holds you back. You're flawed, which is why Jacob can't help you."

Sawyer hated that he found Locke's words, made sense even when they didn't. It was like he got in his head and manipulated his emotions. He hated that Locke had the ability to talk him down. Later he'd look back and wonder why he had stood and listened, why he hadn't argued more. Fought back. Instead he just stood, dumb, absorbing everything, without the ability to open his damned mouth.

"Let it go." Locke almost whispered.

No. He wouldn't. And if he did, it certainly wouldn't be because John Locke told him too.

"Listen to you. Kills me to say this, but Jackass may have been right. Hate to break it to ya Buddha, but killin' a man isn't exactly a healthy outlet. You wanna talk about flawed, let's talk about the blood on your hands."

"His death is justified" His frustration was starting to show in his tone, in his rushed words and defensive stance. Jacob warned him against pushing and reminded him to bring it back in.

"... as was Cooper's." Sawyer noticed that Locke changed tactics, his voice dropped, slowed, and his body relaxed, almost as if inviting him to do the same.

_Relax. It's ok. Nothing will hurt you here._

"You did nothing wrong." His voice was almost soothing. "Jacob's reasons aren't always clear."

And then it wasn't. Sawyer felt like they were being watched again. That eerie sensation that someone was out there lurking in the trees. He spun around and searched the darkness but couldn't see anything.

"He's saved your life how many times now, James? There has to be a balance."

It made a sick kind of sense. That for all the times he should have been dead, all the times he recovered, much faster than normal, that something would have to suffer. He'd even thought it himself a few times.

Jacob smiled.

Locke smiled.

"I didn't ask him to." He felt half asleep, like he'd go along with anything. Even the nonsense that Locke was currently passing off as fact.

"I didn't either, but he sees something in us. It's why we're on the list. The others aren't, you know. And just because you're on the list doesn't mean he will save you. You have to believe in him. Ben didn't. He got lost in his own agenda. He forgot."

Locke almost couldn't believe that Sawyer seemed so docile, so willing to go along with it. Jacob assured him that Sawyer would recognize the truth, and chastised for not believing at the same time.

"Forgot what?"

Sawyer felt like bait, hanging dangerously close to the edge, waiting to be snapped up.  
Even unaware of what was going on, he still felt the impending doom. Instinctively knew that something was shifting the balance, and that it wasn't necessarily in his favor.

"What Jacob needed. Ben tried to stop him, he shot me and as I lay in a pit with Ben's Sacrifice, he visited me. First as Walt. Walt was on the list too, but he has served his purpose for now. We all have a purpose."

Sacrifice.

It was the way Locke said it, the light in his eyes. Was Ben, John's sacrifice?

Did it call for blood?

Something in him cried out that it did. That when it was all said and done, all he'd have left was the blood that stained his hands.

"Look, I'm not signing up with the Church of Jacob." Sawyer shook the sleep from his clouded mind and turned to go. Something told him to move. To leave before things got bad.

Though he had no idea what bad could be.

If Locke hadn't sensed that they'd lost him, Jacob was making it all too clear in a loud voice.

John still found it odd that no one else seemed to be able to hear him. Ben would have, and Richard as well, everyone who had committed fully could. He'd been the only exception to that rule and part of him wondered if Sawyer was so important, why he couldn't hear or see Jacob as well.

"You can have anything you want, James. Anything you can imagine or wish for."

Sawyer paused.

He'd wish for a lot of things. He wanted a lot of things.

Oddly enough, his desires of just twenty minutes ago seemed to dim. He no longer wanted Locke dead. The anger was still there, dim and almost unreachable. Not like he'd gotten over it, but like it was blocked. Like he couldn't access it.

Instead his mind wandered back to Kate. How warm she'd felt in his arms. Visions of her laughing in his arms, heavily pregnant and practically purring. Whispering in his ear and kissing him sweetly. A little hand wrapped around his finger. Kate's hands in his hair, her breath coming in soft little pants and moans.

_"Did you ever imagine this?"_

"_I love you."_

"_She's beautiful, just like her mother."_

"_I didn't think..."_

Broken bits of conversation, and the overwhelming sense of happiness, of completion.

And yet the nagging that he needed to leave and the uncomfortable weight of eyes on his back.

No.

Locke had closed the distance between them and laid a hand on his shoulder.

He shrugged it off.

"I want, you to leave me alone. I want, you to leave Kate alone."

"Kate isn't on the list, but if you wanted her with you, Jacob could help. He could make her forget Jack. "

No. If he had Kate. He wanted it on her terms. He wanted it to be her decision, he didn't want to be second place with her again. He couldn't. It wouldn't be real.

Locke was selling him illusions. He just couldn't figure out why.

And he didn't like that Kate's name was suddenly mixed in as well.

"I don't want him to _make_ her do anything. What Kate does is her own concern, but if I find out you've done something, Jacob is going to waste a lot of energy trying to keep you alive. If I ever find her like that again, there isn't going to be enough of you left to save, and I think we both know I'm capable of it."

Locke knew that all they could do was plant a seed now. Sawyer didn't trust them, and John couldn't blame him. It was too much, and he wasn't ready. Jacob wasn't happy, but knew there was nothing more to do. So he offered one final deal.

"He's kept her alive for you. He's made exceptions. If you stayed here, you could have a life with her, a family. He would do that for you, even if you didn't fully commit to him."

God, but it was tempting. Like someone was digging around in his head, and he didn't like the implication. If this Jacob really had the power to do all he'd promised, why offer it to someone who didn't give a shit. Why use Locke as his mouthpiece? Sure the sign on package was great, but the rest of the deal was hazy and he wasn't one to sign up for the bonus.

"Seems like another load of crap to me. What makes me so damn special? What makes him so damned eager to deal? Not that he's even real, I'm sure."

"Oh, he's real, James. You only choose not to see him."

The fact that right then Sawyer almost believed just that, didn't help Locke's case.

"Right, so not only is he real, but he wants to be best buds. Gosh, I can't wait. Sign me up. Do we get matching bracelets? I totally want to be BFF's. What is he afraid of? What happens if I don't stay here?"

"Nothing. You get off the island eventually, or don't."

He didn't quite believe that, but he'd settle for now.

"Great, I like that option better."

Then he turned away again and continued walking.

Jacob wouldn't let it go at that.

"Kate, won't give you that family." the words weren't John's, but they came from his mouth.

Sawyer didn't seem to notice Locke's discomfort.

"Well, since we ain't exactly talkin' that ain't rocket science. And I'm not made ta be a daddy anyway."

Jacob smiled and Locke's smile faded. He didn't like not being in control. Jacob knew that, he'd promised not to interfere so... hands on...

_You were losing him. Remind him of my promise. Tell him I'm bound. _

"Just... don't forget our conversation. He's made his promise. He can't go back on it. Think about it at least." Locke's voice shook, but Sawyer wasn't paying attention.

"I'm no one's puppet. Jacob can kiss my ass. You'd do better to remember what I said. If Kate so much as looks upset... I swear to God..." Sawyer locked eyes with Locke and noticed for the first time that he seemed scared.

Good, he couldn't worry about them... him... coming after Kate. All Locke's craziness must have been wearing off, he had to get out of there before he started trying to talk to Jacob as well.

"We'll leave her alone." Locke swore.

"That's a promise I'll hold you to." And then Sawyer left them.


	14. Lights Will Guide You

**...Lights will guide you home...**

Fix You- Coldplay

* * *

Kate found Jack, shook him awake, and tried to forget her encounter with Sawyer.

"Whaaat?" Jack mumbled disoriented. "God... Jules don't you ever..." His grinned and Kate blushed as his hand came down on her knee.

"Uh, Jack." Kate hesitated and Jack's eyes flew open.

"Kate... uh... sorry about that." He stammered as he removed his hand and Kate nodded uncomfortably. Sitting up quickly, Jack pulled back a little, to give them both some space to recover from the awkward moment.

"What's wrong?" He asked after they'd both gotten over the unpleasant feeling and he noticed the distress on her face. It was still dark out and he wondered what time it was and why she was waking him up.

"There's no easy way to say this... uh... Ben is dead. Locke killed him."

"What!" Jack shot up and Kate grabbed his arm to stop him from running out into the jungle. "Sawyer was supposed to be watching him!"

The shock kept him from realizing that at this point there was nothing he could do. Kate's firm grip kept him from running off to try and fix it.

"Don't blame, Sawyer. Locke would have found a way." She didn't know why she was defending him, it just happened. He was the last person who she should stick up for, especially with the way he had been treating her, but she didn't want Jack running off to yell at him.

He was hurting, and it was her fault. She knew he believed she had something going on with Jack, it had always been his worst fear, and she wasn't blind. Yet, she'd done nothing to dissuade him from believing what he did. In fact, she'd done everything in her power to make him believe it, because she was angry and hurting and in the back of her mind she thought he'd be better off for it.

But he didn't need Jack breathing down his neck as well. And she figured he'd suffered enough.

"Where was he, Kate? Why wasn't he watching Ben? Don't get me wrong, no one else would be happier for you two if you... but you could have picked a better time."

Kate punched in him in the arm.

"Ouch."

"Not that it's any of your business, but I don't know where he was. I found him after, where he proceeded to tell me to go to hell." Jack gave her a compassionate look, and gently squeezed her shoulder.

"I'm sorry."

"Yeah, well he's a dick sometimes. Everyone knows that. It isn't important." It was important, but as always, it was going to have to wait until she had more time to deal with it. Locke had to be their priority now. "Something happened to Locke, Jack. He's not... I'm worried about what he'll do."

"Where is he now?"

"I left him there. God, Jack it was... He saw me and then he apologized not for killing him, but for me finding it. It was like it didn't bother him at all."

Not for the first time, Jack wished that Juliet had come with them. She would have had a better idea of what was going on, because something was going on. Something just under the surface that he couldn't see because he didn't known them. Locke had changed, or been changed by something. And this Jacob that everyone whispered about but no one had seen? He had a feeling that if she was here, then he could get someone to talk, but without her, he was just the stranger from the other side of the island.

Not to mention he missed her. The way the corner of her mouth would turn up in a sarcastic smirk. He felt more steady around her, more in control. He never should have listened to Ben. They hadn't gained anything from it, on the contrary if anything they'd lost things from it. And though he knew they'd have to deal with Locke sooner or later, he was voting for later.

"It probably didn't. He thinks what he's doing is right, Kate. We'll leave as soon as it gets light out, and I'll go talk to him. There isn't much we can do about it now."

Kate nodded, Jack was right. Unless they decided to have an all out war against Locke and his followers, because it was certain his people would do whatever he wanted them to do, they had to live with him. The best course of action was to get as far away as possible before Locke decided they needed to follow Ben. And hopefully they'd be getting off the island soon anyway.

"Things will be better, when we get back to camp." Jack offered weakly to Kate's frown, then left her sitting by the fire.

She wanted that to be true, more than anything she wanted that to be true, but she didn't know how they could. Sure, Locke wouldn't be such a pressing matter, but she didn't doubt that they'd have to set up a watch, just to be safe. Maybe she could sneak away when everyone was asleep and sit with Sawyer when it was his turn.

Maybe she could convince him to talk to her again, he had to miss her a little bit. She was going nuts over him. Maybe things could get better... Maybe she just had to have a little more faith.

Fire licked at the logs in front of her, sparked and crackled in the quiet of the early morning, and Kate found her eyes growing heavy, but was uncomfortable with the idea of sleeping when no one else was around. No one else she trusted that is.

Jack had taken Sayid with him when he left earlier, and Sawyer had yet to come back from his wandering.

She worried about that as the wind shook the leaves in the trees on the other side of the ridge, she could hear it whisper down and echo in the crater before being picked up again and swept away. Worried that he was out there alone.

"Kate, I don't think we've met before..." Kate whipped her head around to see a man approach her and sit on the log next to her. He'd been so quiet she hadn't heard his approach, which was more than creepy. No one should be able to move with that stealth.

"Richard." He offered his hand and Kate shook it, then looked around for an out. He stared at her in amusement at her discomfort. "I swear I don't bite. How is Juliet doing? I'm kind of surprised she didn't come with you."

"Yeah... well... I'm not sure I blame her." His dark eyes laughed and Kate could see that he seemed happy, stable and content, and she wondered just what drew people to this life. In another life, he could have been anyone, why follow not one, but now two, crazy men.

"I think you are mistaken about us. Juliet never believed, she's not one of us, not really. I suppose she wouldn't miss this."

The sun began to peak over the horizon, the sky a brilliant red, as the darkness of night began to flee, offering a new beginning. She wondered if she'd miss this. This still before life woke up. She wished she could share it with someone else.

"She never wanted to involve you, in Ben's misguided attempt..." Richard sighed and shook his head. "I suppose by now, Locke has gotten rid of that problem though. That is why you're awake isn't it?"

Kate froze. The words came out slowly, as if her tongue would trip over them if she spoke any faster.

"You knew... he was going to... Why?.. Did everyone know?"

Richard chuckled again.

"No, not everyone knew. I was probably the only one. Jacob still talks to me on occasion. Though I am sort of surprised that Locke went through with it."

"He's not a killer, or at least... he wasn't." Kate agreed.

"And you would know, wouldn't you?"

Kate hung her head in shame. They all knew about her and what she'd done before the island. But her mind hadn't gone to before the island, that seemed like another life. No, she'd remembered waking up in a medical hatch and being told she'd killed their child.

"He wasn't a good man." Richard spoke gently. "The only good thing your father did, was you."

Kate laughed dryly.

"No, I don't think so."

"You're probably the only one."

They sat quietly for a moment.

"Ben wasn't a good man either. He may have been at one time, but he wasn't anymore. He killed his father too you know, but by that time, he'd already let his actions define him. He'd already given up on being a better person."

Kate turned to face him.

"So what, I'm better because I want to be better?" She turned away again. Just what she needed, to be compared to a mad man.

"James, loves you."

"That remains to be seen."

The world slept around them, the fire burned before them, but Kate was cold and the noise in her head was claustrophobic.

She'd almost given up, given in. It was too hard to fight him. Whatever he wanted. Maybe then she wouldn't feel so consumed with misery. Jack helped lighten the load, but she knew that Sawyer was the only one who could lift it.

She lifted her eyes to the ridge again and saw him standing there. His eyes locked with hers for a moment and Richard watched the two of them exchange a longing look. He wondered, if Kate knew what he'd done. He doubted Sawyer would have told her, and though he couldn't tell her—Jacob would be angry—he could let her figure it out.

Richard felt guilt for handing that folder to Locke. Maybe it was just that periods of transition were always a time of reflection. Maybe he was still upset about Ben. But he didn't like watching Sawyer break eye contact with her and walk away. He didn't like the way she slouched next to him and bit her lip, blinking away the pain that gathered in her eyes.

"There was a man once, also not a good man. He destroyed so many lives and when he ended up on the island, it was a result of one of the men he destroyed. His son..."

Kate turned to face him, confused at the sudden shift in conversation.

"Jacob asks us to sacrifice. It's not always a bad thing. Ben thought that this man's son was supposed to kill his father, he was too close to the matter at hand to see that there was another man on the island..."

Why was it always about blood? Kate didn't want to hear another story about someone dying for this mythical being, who demanded sacrifice.

"I don't care." Kate brushed him off and tried to stand, but Richard grabbed her wrist. She tried to pull it away as words rushed out of Richard's mouth.

"This man didn't deserve to live, Kate. He stole, cheated, and lied his way through life. He conned a kidney out of his son, pushed him out a window and put him in a wheelchair, Ben thought that was enough to turn a man into a killer. But he was wrong."

"Let go of me." Kate threatened.

"When I gave Locke, James' file I knew what would happen."

No.

And suddenly everything seemed so clear she wondered why she hadn't seen it in the first place.

Richard let go of her hand and she plopped down next to him, the strength in her legs suddenly absent.

The hurt in his eyes when he'd come back. The way he'd pushed her away. The cold looks he sent Locke. It all fit together.

"He killed him... the letter... Sawyer?" Her eyes wide with understanding, Richard merely nodded.

She had to find him, talk to him about it.

He never had to tell her, she'd known he'd given up on his quest for vengeance. She knew he was trying to be better, not only for his sake but for hers. She also knew how he reacted when he felt threatened. Or when goaded.

It wasn't hard to see a man, who didn't care. A man insensitive enough to try and kill his own child, wouldn't care about anyone else's. But Sawyer wouldn't have seen that. He'd have only seen the man who ruined his life. He'd have pulled that letter out and... and been laughed at.

She wanted to hold him and soothe him and tell him.

She wanted to tell him and screw the consequences. He needed her more than ever and she'd pushed him away just as quickly as he'd pushed her.

Well she wouldn't make that mistake twice.

Without a second thought, she stood and quickly began hunting him down. Richard watched her move with purpose as Jack came back from the jungle with Sayid in tow. He tried to stop her by grabbing her wrist but she shook her hand free and with barely a word exchanged and left him standing in her dust.

After his talk with Locke, Sawyer hadn't been eager to get back to the others. Yet he had needed to make sure Kate made it back ok. So he'd slipped back and watched from the ridge as Jack left her sitting by the fire. After that he'd made his way back into the jungle and sat underneath a tree just visible from the edge of the jungle.

When they left he'd join them, but before he'd take some time for himself. It helped that his position, while not so obvious, still afforded him with a view of anyone coming.

And so he'd sat, thinking on what Locke had said until the sun started to rise. He wanted to go find her, pull her aside and sit with her, watching the sun rise together as he tangled his fingers in her hair and brushed kisses across her cheek. Her weight relaxed and comforting in his lap.

He wondered sometimes if she ever had those kinds of random thoughts. If the sunrise made her think of him. If she'd ever be able to use a blanket and not wish he was wrapped up with her. Or sit at a fire and not hear his voice.

There were numerous things he could no longer do without her ghost and he hope she felt the same, but wasn't holding his breath. Instead he decided to head back so they wouldn't have to come looking for him when they were ready to leave.

He'd expected to feel awful, to brood, and regret everything after his conversation with Locke. But he felt oddly peaceful, if slightly sad. The ever present ache was still there, just duller somehow. He wondered if that meant he was finally coming to terms with what he was.

When he reached the ridge he noticed she still sat in front of the fire, this time next to a man he didn't recognize.

Did she never give up?

The ache flared briefly, but when she turned and locked eyes with him it all but vanished. It was almost like he was the only person in her universe, like she revolved around him and his pain was hers. Like all the space between them was only an illusion.

He knew she couldn't make out features, the distance was too great, he knew he was being foolish in thinking she could read his soul from so far away. But he felt stripped in front of her and had to break contact.

As he left her staring after him, Jack called to him from the jungle.

"We're leaving as soon as the sun comes up." He barked shortly, then pulled Locke aside to talk with him. He was mad, but surprisingly enough avoided causing a conflict.

Sayid slipped silently from the jungle and tilted his head to the side, indicating that Sawyer should follow.

"What happened?" Sayid asked when they were out of earshot.

"Didn't Locke tell you?" He brushed it off.

"He did, but I'd like to make sure what he said was what happened. I don't trust him."

"I left him there. What happened after that I don't know." Sawyer sighed, tossed his head to the side in irritation. He didn't want to rehash it.

"Why did you leave him there?"

"Hell, I don't know. The man is good at pushing buttons. It was that or do it myself."

Sayid nodded, keeping any kind of emotional tell in check. Sometimes that really irritated Sawyer. That anyone could have that much control.

"We're going to have to set up a watch, when we get back."

"Yeah, but hey, at least you ain't gotta sit around a damn cage all day."

"Yes. How are you going to avoid Kate now?" Sayid smiled and Sawyer found himself laughing. "She's looking pretty determined right now. What did you do?" Sayid finished and gestured to where Kate had brushed Jack off.

"I don't know. You better get out of here, unless you wanna take my spot?"

"No, thank you. Be nice to her, you never know how long you have." Sawyer nodded and watched Sayid walk away. He pretended to ignore Kate and started back toward the fire where everyone was beginning to gather.

"No. We need to talk." Kate's voice was urgent and despite his desire not to have another five rounds with her, he found himself curious. Still he wasn't going to make it easy on her.

"Now." She grabbed his wrist and started dragging him back to the jungle.

When they reached a relatively secluded spot, she pounced on him.

"You have two options. One: you tell me what's bothering you. Or two: I tell you what's bothering you and we have a nasty fight. I'd prefer option one." She stood with her arms crossed over her chest and gave him her determined look.

"Sound's like you already know. And hell, since you know, maybe you could enlighten the rest of us. Cause I sure don't know what you're talking about."

He had the sinking feeling that maybe she did know. She'd had her own encounter with Locke. Maybe he'd spilled the beans on their little trek from hell.

"I can't do this anymore, Sawyer."

And then she leaned in and kissed him.


End file.
